For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and pregnant. My baby's father is a 35-year-old teacher at my school. He doesn't know I'm pregnant, and I'm afraid if I tell him, he'll be mad.
My parents know I'm pregnant, and they are devastated. But they do not know who the father is.
I am having trouble sleeping, and I'm sick most mornings. What should I do? Please help. -- PREGNANT IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR PREGNANT: You MUST tell your parents who the father is. You need their emotional support, and I'm sure you'll receive it once they understand what has happened. You should not have to tell this teacher about your pregnancy alone. Your parents, the principal and the local police should do it with you. If he does get mad, it should be at himself for betraying his trusted role as an educator and committing statutory rape. Please do not be afraid to speak up, and don't blame yourself. What your teacher did is criminal.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Jessica," is a terrific teenager. She works hard in school and has a nice group of friends. She and her friends have never been involved with alcohol or drugs, largely because they have stayed away from the crowd that uses them.
Next year, Jessica is going off to college where beer and pot will be everywhere. I am concerned because, unbeknownst to Jessica, there is alcoholism in our family. My father started drinking heavily after we kids were grown and gone. He was never abusive or falling-down drunk, but he was alcohol-dependent. He'd fall asleep in his chair by 7 every night.
Mother finally confronted him, and although he never sought professional help, he managed to get his problem under control.
I'm not proud our family wasn't more up-front about Dad's drinking. Mom and Dad both wanted to cope with it privately, and although Mom confided in my brothers and me, it has remained a family secret.
I know alcoholism may be genetic, and I am torn about disclosing my father's history to Jessica. I want her to know she may have reason to be particularly careful about drinking, but I don't want to spoil her relationship with, or her respect for, her grandfather. What should I do? -- WORRIED MOM, OAKLAND, CALIF.
DEAR WORRIED MOM: For the valid reason you have stated, you must discuss the potential problem with your daughter. Since her grandfather faced his drinking problem and dealt with it, I see no reason why it would cause her to lose respect for him.
Another important reason you should bring up this subject is the reality of binge drinking on many college campuses. Some young people who are away from home for the first time go hog-wild and do foolish things -- like competing to see who can consume the most alcohol in the shortest period of time. The results can be fatal. Also, people stoned on alcohol (or any mind-altering substance) may make other unwise choices, such as having unprotected sex.
You are a caring parent, and you have a year to discuss these subjects with your daughter. Start now, and next fall you'll send her off knowing you have prepared her to the best of your ability.
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old daughter, "Karen," met a boy on the Internet. I guess she felt she needed to talk to him because she called him on the telephone. Unfortunately, he lives in Spain, and she ran up an $1,100 phone bill. Karen had no idea it cost that much to call him, and of course she didn't ask for my permission.
I grounded Karen until she works off the debt, which will probably take six months. I also took away her phone and Internet privileges and made her quit the school volleyball team.
Karen has ADHD, so we've had some problems with her in the past. I don't want to overreact and make her rebel or run away like I did when I was her age. What I do want is to teach her responsibility. What do you think? -- UNHAPPY MOM IN OHIO
DEAR UNHAPPY: I don't blame you for being angry, but you have gone a little overboard. It's time to reconsider the multiple punishments you've levied on your daughter. You say you don't want to overreact or make her rebel. Yet you have cut off her contact with the outside world -- no phone, no Internet, no sports. I agree she should pay at least part of the phone bill, but as she does, you should gradually reinstate her privileges.
DEAR ABBY: You dispensed some wonderful advice in your Thanksgiving Day column. You wrote, "If you're feeling down and want an instant 'upper,' the surest way ... is to do something nice for someone else." I'd like to echo your sentiments and encourage your readers to keep the doldrums at bay by volunteering.
Volunteering not only benefits the recipients of service, but often the volunteer feels better as a result of giving back. Volunteering reduces social isolation and disconnection, boosts spirits, combats stress and builds stronger communities.
According to the most recent study by the Points of Light Foundation and Indiana University, respondents said that volunteering as a family improves communication, promotes positive values, emphasizes the importance of teamwork, teaches kids empathy, respect, friendliness and tolerance, and creates a new generation of dedicated volunteers.
Please encourage your readers who might be dreading this holiday season to volunteer. Giving to others is the best way to nourish your own spirit. -- ROBERT K. GOODWIN, PRESIDENT AND CEO, POINTS OF LIGHT FOUNDATION
DEAR ROBERT: Thanks for an inspiring reminder that the surest way to forget your own troubles is to do something nice for those less fortunate. The adrenaline rush you'll get is more powerful than speed, and the "high" is perfectly legal. Everyone has something to give, and the most precious gift isn't money -- it's TIME.
Readers, to find projects in your local communities or wherever you spend your holiday vacations, call toll-free (800) 865-8683 and enter your ZIP Code, or visit www.1-800-Volunteer.org. Families can find project ideas, activities for kids and other helpful resources by exploring the Web site. Since the holiday season is upon us, don't procrastinate. Reach out and grab the opportunity to help someone.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DECEITFUL HUSBAND DESTROYS WIFE'S HOPES FOR THEIR FUTURE
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Peter" for almost four years, and we have three children under the age of 4. It is a second marriage for both of us, and I assumed it would be for a lifetime.
About a year ago, I discovered Peter was picking up prostitutes two to three times a week. When I confronted him, he accused me of making it up. He continued to cheat and has become physically abusive as well.
Peter expects me to behave as though nothing happened! My hopes and dreams have been destroyed by this man. I don't know if our marriage can survive the trauma. Can you shed some light on this for me? -- TIRED OF BEING A DOORMAT IN VIRGINIA
DEAR TIRED: Gladly, because it's time for you to SEE the light. Your husband is a sexually addicted abuser. Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? How do you think it will affect your children to see you being brutalized?
I urge you to make an appointment with your doctor to be sure your husband hasn't given you an STD -- or to be treated in case he has. Then call the domestic violence toll-free hotline: (800) 799-7233, and contact an attorney who specializes in family law.
DEAR ABBY: My husband took his own life nearly 30 years ago. I have been in individual and group therapy for 20 years and in 12-step recovery for 15. Not surprisingly, my problems affected my kids when they were young.
They both live far away now. My daughter, "Margie," is in therapy and recovery. My son is in denial.
Five years ago, Margie asked her brother and me not to contact her for a while. She said she needed time and space to work on specific issues independently. I have friends who have done this with good long-term results, so it made sense to me.
Recently a few friends have urged me to write Margie and tell her I miss her. Others, including my AA friends, praise my respect for her process and say they wish they had received similar support from their families.
I regard contacting her as disrespectful, if not abusive. The door is not closed. Margie said she would resume contact when she is ready.
What do you think? -- WILLING TO QUESTION
DEAR WILLING: Since you're gathering advice, I'll put in my 2 cents' worth. Five years of silence is enough. Write Margie and tell her that while you respect her "process," you miss her. If she ignores your letter, it's her prerogative. At least you will have made the gesture of trying to bridge the gap, and that is what is important.
DEAR ABBY: I was married a little over a year ago. My husband and I received many lovely gifts. I immediately sat down and wrote my thank-you notes. However, it's been a busy year and I haven't addressed the notes or mailed them yet.
Do you think it's too late? Or should I still send them? -- BLUSHING BRIDE IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BLUSHING BRIDE: It's never too late to do the gracious thing. Send 'em out!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)