To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MOM WHO FEARS BEING ALONE IS NOT KEEPING GOOD COMPANY
DEAR ABBY: My teenage sister and I both live at home with our single mom. Lately she has been acting like a teen in love -- giddy, staying out late, and hiding to take her phone calls. We have even caught her kissing this man, "Gary."
Mom denies any romantic relationship with Gary, who is married with children. But when his name comes up, she talks endlessly about how mean and horrible his wife is. Mom has never met his wife, so she must be getting her information from Gary.
We overheard him tell Mom that his wife had found his cell phone bill and knew that he was calling Mom a lot. So last month, Mom bought Gary another cell phone. We can't afford that! We struggle to pay our bills, and my sister and I have loaned Mom money for her car insurance.
Mom has often expressed a fear of being alone. We are happy that she is feeling good about herself and dating again, but with Gary, she's headed for trouble. We don't want her hurt. How can we help? -- WORRIED ABOUT MOM IN VIRGINIA
DEAR WORRIED: Be there to offer emotional support, because your mother is on thin ice. Gary's wife is already suspicious, and it's only a matter of time until he gets caught. The situation is bad. Your mother is lying to herself, lying to you, and setting a terrible example. Learn from her mistakes.
DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Adrian" for eight years -- and he still doesn't want to commit to anything other than living together. I have tried explaining the issues of security, honor and respect, and the fact that I have proven I'm a worthy partner and deserve to be his wife.
Adrian is 45 and was married once. I am 39 and have been divorced twice. He uses my divorces as justification for not wanting to give up his independence.
He recently bought a new home. It is solely in his name because I couldn't afford to help with the closing costs or pay half the mortgage payment. I have a good job and contribute to all our bills. I am not looking for a free ride and have always been willing to pay my own way. After eight years, I do not have one joint bill nor do I own any thing with him jointly.
When I try to discuss marriage with Adrian, he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Is this how you treat somebody you love? I feel I'm being punished for wanting a future with him. Please give me some sound advice. -- WANTS RESPECT IN MARYLAND
DEAR WANTS RESPECT: You are an intelligent woman. You fail to see the security in this relationship because there is none. Meanwhile, Adrian is sitting in clover. For eight years he has enjoyed the benefits of a roommate and bed partner. If you protest, he keeps you in line by becoming abusive. Does that sound like love to you?
Ask yourself, Why have I tolerated the situation for so long? If it's a secure future you want, you won't find it with Adrian. He has already demonstrated that the only things he "loves" are himself and his tangible assets. If you leave you'll be available to meet someone who can give you a secure future. Please don't wait. Pack your bags now.
GIRL FEELS DESERTED BY MOTHER WHO NO LONGER SEEMS HERSELF
DEAR ABBY: My mom has not been herself ever since her boyfriend beat her. For example, we were baking a cake. I accidentally bumped into her and she got really mad. We used to just laugh about things like that.
As a matter of fact, she doesn't laugh at all anymore.
I miss the mom who would play games with me or blast up the music when we were in the car together. She used to dance with me, or make me soup and crackers even when I wasn't sick. Sometimes Mom would make hot chocolate with marshmallows, and we'd sit on the porch and talk about everything. All my friends thought she was the coolest, and they wished their moms were like her.
Now she's caught up with her boyfriend and college and never has time for me. We don't talk and she doesn't dance with me anymore. I miss her so much. What can I do? -- FEELS LIKE AN ORPHAN
DEAR FEELS: It's time to talk to your mother. No one has a right to raise a hand in anger against another person, and that includes her abusive boyfriend. She needs to know about the help that's available from the Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233.
I sincerely hope your mother sees the light, and that you get your loving, fun-filled parent back soon. From your description, it appears the joy has gone out of her life, too.
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago, my 68-year-old mother-in-law, "Gladys," moved into our home with us. Now I don't know how much longer I can take living in the same house with her. I have a full-time job, plus all the household duties to take care of when I get home. Gladys doesn't lift a finger to help, and does nothing but complain about how bad she feels day in and day out.
Please give me some advice. I don't want to hurt my mother-in-law's feelings, but I am burned out. I don't even like being at home anymore. -- TOO MUCH TO HANDLE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR TOO MUCH: With three adults living under the same roof, there is no reason why you have been stuck with "all the household duties" -- assuming Gladys is in reasonably good health. I don't know if your mother-in-law is depressed or if complaining is her way of communicating.
So have a frank discussion with your husband. Marital or family counseling may be in order. Gladys may be no spring chicken, but she isn't over the hill. She should have some friends and a social life of her own. It's possible that all of you might be happier if Gladys moved to an independent living complex with contemporaries.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Delia" died recently, causing a lot of people to be very upset. Surprisingly, her death hasn't affected me at all. Friends have called, sobbing hysterically. I haven't shed a tear. Could it be because I refuse to believe it? Or that I don't really care? Please help me. I am confused. -- SCARED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR SCARED: Losing a friend is traumatic, and people react to trauma in different ways. I seriously doubt that your friend's death has "not affected you at all." More likely, you're numb.
Grief is an individual process. Some people cry. Others carry around a load of anxiety or ache inside. Still others "postpone" the grieving until they can handle it. Please don't judge yourself harshly. Everyone grieves in his or her own way.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BOYFRIEND'S ANGRY THREATS MUST BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl with a problem I can't talk to anyone about. I have been with my boyfriend, "Jon," for about five months. He has always been kind of jealous and controlling. Recently my parents told me I couldn't see him anymore.
Jon became furious when I told him how my parents feel, and now he's talking about killing them so we can be together. I know he is serious.
I really love Jon. He is the first boy who has shown an interest in me.
My parents and I have always had a great relationship and my mom is like my best friend. I totally don't want to see them get hurt. I don't know what to do. I can't tell my parents and I can't tell the police. I have tried to talk Jon out of it, and tell him they will learn to accept him over time. He just gets mad and says I am taking their side. Please tell me what to do. -- ANONYMOUS IN FORT MYERS, FLA.
DEAR ANONYMOUS: I hope your sense of self-preservation is stronger than your sense of family loyalty. The boy you are involved with appears to have serious mental problems. He desperately needs psychological evaluation and counseling. Unless you do something now, Jon could talk himself into doing something to your parents -- and you will be an accessory because you knew it was going to happen and did nothing.
I urge you to warn your parents about Jon's threats, so they can protect themselves -- and you. As much as you may love him, you cannot reason with someone who is irrational and possibly homicidal.
P.S. Do NOT allow Jon to make you feel guilty for wanting to protect your parents. Your first responsibility is the safety of your family. So please don't wait. Tell them NOW. A good way to begin would be to clip this letter, hand it to them and tell them that you wrote it.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "George" for nine months. Since the day I met him, I knew he was a little odd, but that was one of the qualities that first attracted me to him.
In the last three months, his behavior has become worse. He is now homeless, penniless, jobless, and has problems with alcohol and depression. He was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia.
I love George dearly, but my role in his life has switched from girlfriend to caregiver/provider. I am not sure what to do. He refuses to get help but is stuck to me like a lost child. How can I save his and my life before it is too late? -- DESPERATE IN NEW YORK
DEAR DESPERATE: True lovers must also be true friends, and right now George desperately needs one.
Tell him, as a concerned friend, that because you love him, he must get professional help.
If he doesn't have money, he can still find help in New York in a number of places. One of the large academic hospitals might be the place to start.
In any meaningful relationship, both people involved switch caregiving roles at various times. This is called "nurturing." But being made to feel obligated beyond affection is entrapment -- and that you must avoid.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)