DEAR ABBY: I have been living with "Adrian" for eight years -- and he still doesn't want to commit to anything other than living together. I have tried explaining the issues of security, honor and respect, and the fact that I have proven I'm a worthy partner and deserve to be his wife.
Adrian is 45 and was married once. I am 39 and have been divorced twice. He uses my divorces as justification for not wanting to give up his independence.
He recently bought a new home. It is solely in his name because I couldn't afford to help with the closing costs or pay half the mortgage payment. I have a good job and contribute to all our bills. I am not looking for a free ride and have always been willing to pay my own way. After eight years, I do not have one joint bill nor do I own any thing with him jointly.
When I try to discuss marriage with Adrian, he becomes angry and verbally abusive. Is this how you treat somebody you love? I feel I'm being punished for wanting a future with him. Please give me some sound advice. -- WANTS RESPECT IN MARYLAND
DEAR WANTS RESPECT: You are an intelligent woman. You fail to see the security in this relationship because there is none. Meanwhile, Adrian is sitting in clover. For eight years he has enjoyed the benefits of a roommate and bed partner. If you protest, he keeps you in line by becoming abusive. Does that sound like love to you?
Ask yourself, Why have I tolerated the situation for so long? If it's a secure future you want, you won't find it with Adrian. He has already demonstrated that the only things he "loves" are himself and his tangible assets. If you leave you'll be available to meet someone who can give you a secure future. Please don't wait. Pack your bags now.