Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: If you haven't already started, it's time to compile those Christmas lists. Every year I am asked to suggest thoughtful gifts for seniors -- especially those living on a fixed income.
First, a gentle warning: Unless you are sure it is welcome, do NOT send cologne, aftershave or scented bath powder. Scents are highly personal; not every perfume works on every person.
Never give a pet to anyone unless you have made absolutely certain the person wants one and is able to properly care for it.
Unless you're sure they imbibe, refrain from giving alcoholic beverages to people. Also, while candy, nuts and holiday confections make beautiful gifts for those who are not counting calories, show compassion for those who must, and lead them not into temptation.
Many folks on fixed incomes would welcome a gift basket of goodies. Include small cans of tuna, chicken or stew; assorted flavored instant coffee and herbal teas; soup mixes, crackers, cookies, nuts, dried fruit and hot breakfast cereal. Or, fill their freezer with frozen home-cooked meals that can be microwaved in minutes.
Gift certificates can be a godsend. Give them certificates for groceries, haircuts, manicures, pedicures, massages, dry cleaning, restaurant meals, video rentals and department stores. Tickets make great gifts -- to movies, concerts, the opera, a play (could be at a local community theater) and sporting events.
Homemade coupons for "Honey-do's" ("Honey, do this -- and honey, do that") make thoughtful presents: Create some that are redeemable for chores such as window washing, painting, gardening, washing, waxing and car detailing, replacing light bulbs, cleaning ceiling fans, changing air-conditioning filters, moving heavy furniture for spring and fall cleaning, and transportation for shopping or doctors' visits, etc.
Because not all seniors drive, bus passes and coupons for senior transportation or taxis can come in handy.
Prepayment of utilities for a month or two can be sent directly to the utility. Then let the recipients know they have that "extra" money to spend as they wish. We all know medications are notoriously expensive. A gift certificate to the neighborhood pharmacy would also be much appreciated. (Trust me on that!)
For pet owners, remember their furry, four-legged family member with a treat -- a can of dog or cat food or a rawhide chewstick or catnip toy. (They'll lap it up!)
A subscription to a magazine or newspaper you know the person will enjoy is a gift that keeps on giving. Large-print calendars with family birthdays, anniversaries, etc., marked and personalized with family photographs, are welcome, as are large-print address books with information transferred from the recipient's records.
Give a small radio or remote-control television, if finances permit. A cordless phone or answering machine makes a practical gift as well.
Other suggestions: a cuddly robe, slippers or socks with nonskid soles; sweatpants, sweatshirts and jogging shoes; stationery -- and be sure to include felt-tipped pens and lots of stamps.
And remember, the holidays can be a sad time for people who are alone. If you know someone who could use an outing, give that person the most thoughtful gift of all -- an invitation to have a meal with you and your family. Loneliness is the ultimate poverty. The greatest gift is a gift of self.
DEAR ABBY: I am 25 years old. My parents and I had a good relationship. Mother died nine months ago, and Dad is living with me. I'm now having mixed feelings about it. I let my father move in with me so he wouldn't be alone.
What bothers me is he has been involved with at least nine women in the months since Mom died. He and Mother were married 26 years, and it depresses me when I see him with other women in my home. He acts like it's OK to bring his ladyfriends here, but I think it's disrespectful to Mother for him to see other women so soon after her death.
What can I do about Dad's behavior? -- SAD AND MAD AT DAD
DEAR SAD AND MAD AT DAD: I don't know how long your mother was ill before her death, but your father may have done his grieving at that time. It's also possible that her death has made him realize how short life is.
It was loving and caring of you to take him in. But now that he's living the life of a swinging bachelor, it's time to tell him he needs a bachelor pad of his own. What goes on under your roof is your business -- so make it your business to recommend grief counseling to your father before he makes any important decisions that could affect the rest of his life. You'll be doing him a favor.
DEAR ABBY: My friend, "Michelle," is going to be 13 next month. Her mom died recently, and she's been hanging out with an older boy who encourages her to steal cigarettes from the store and smoke them. Maybe it's just a phase, but I'm worried about Michelle. Do you think that I should end our friendship? -- WORRIED ABOUT A FRIEND IN MONTANA
DEAR WORRIED: You are right to be concerned about your friend. Everyone knows that smoking is addictive, but it is particularly addictive among teenagers and pre-teens. Tell your mother what you have told me. Michelle's father needs to know that his daughter is stealing. He also needs to know that the boy she's hanging out with is bad news. If he's encouraging her to steal, what else might he be encouraging her to do?
In the meantime, limit your time with Michelle. And make absolutely sure that you're not with her when she's stealing -- or you could be accused of being an accessory to the crime.
DEAR ABBY: I have always loved my daughter-in-law, "Lucy," and treated her well. Last year, for my son "Tim's" birthday, Lucy surprised him by booking a cruise and inviting her mother along. I felt slighted to have been excluded, so when her mother called me two months later and asked me if I'd share her stateroom and the cost, I refused.
I see Lucy's mother only at Christmas. Last year, Christmas fell after I had refused her offer. Both Lucy and her mother treated me coldly, bordering on rudeness. I was miserable. What is your opinion on this? -- MISERABLE MOTHER-IN-LAW IN FLORIDA
DEAR MISERABLE: I'd call it adding insult to injury, and I don't blame you for declining an invitation that was obviously an afterthought. Before this rift gets any wider, it's time for Tim to have a serious chat with his wife and her mother about their insensitivity where you're concerned. After all, you're all part of the same extended family now.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Fears That Credit Card Debt May Cost Her Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married woman with two wonderful children and a husband I adore (I'll call him Keith). My problem: I have been hiding a secret. I am a chronic spender. I have racked up thousands of dollars on two credit cards that are in my name. Keith has no idea the accounts exist.
Buying things for Keith and the children and things for the house has always made me happy. I once thought I could control my spending. I'm afraid Keith will divorce me if he finds out what I've done. He has always been frugal, and even though I work full-time, he pays the bills and gives me an allowance.
I lie awake at night worrying about the day my husband discovers we're so deep in debt. What can I do? Please print this because I can't take the chance of getting a letter in the mail. -- ADDICTED TO SPENDING
DEAR ADDICTED: Your husband must be told the truth because it is going to take both of you -- working together -- to climb out of this hole.
First, schedule an appointment with your physician to be screened for depression. Many overspenders suffer from an underlying depression.
Next, contact a credit counseling agency. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling has more than 1,300 community-based agency offices across the country. They provide consumer counseling and education services on budgeting, credit and debt resolution. Their members can be identified by the NFCC member seal, which signifies high standards for agency accreditation, counselor certification, and policies that ensure free or low-cost, confidential services. Member offices can be reached toll-free at: (800) 388-2227, or online at www.nfcc.org.
Another established group with strict quality standards is the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies (AICCCA). AICCCA has affiliates in all 50 states. To locate the closest AICCCA member office, call (800) 450-1794 or visit www.aiccca.org and click on the "Find a Counseling Agency" link.
And last, but not least, please call Debtors Anonymous for guidance and emotional support. The address is P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492. The Web site is www.debtorsanonymous.org.
I repeat: You CANNOT do this alone. Because spouses are responsible for each other's debt, you must tell your husband. However, if he knows that you have already begun reaching out for help and support, he may be more forgiving. Now, get going!
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are newlyweds, and I'm having a problem with his family. I was taught never to go empty-handed to a dinner and to always leave what I took for the hostess.
I invited my husband's family to a holiday dinner. After we ate, they packed up all their leftovers and took them home. I was so busy cooking, serving and clearing that I didn't have time to eat -- so I ended up hungry.
Were my in-laws rude? Should I say something or keep my mouth shut? They are coming over again soon and I need to know if I should quickly hide the leftovers I want to keep or go with the flow. -- HUNGRY HOSTESS IN N.Y.
DEAR HUNGRY: "Hiding" the leftovers won't work because if your in-laws are as territorial about food as they appear to be, they won't be fooled.
The next time you cook them dinner sit down and enjoy it with them. That's what a good hostess does. Either that, or make sure you have eaten enough before they arrive so that you won't go hungry later.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)