For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen's Girlfriend Draws Foul by Telling Him to Drop Sports
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old high school student and have been going with my girlfriend, "Maddie," for two years. We go to different schools, and lately trust has become a big issue.
She thinks I am cheating, which I am not -- but she won't get off my case. We constantly fight about little things. She calls me at home and hits the roof if I'm not there when she thinks I should be.
Last week, she gave me an ultimatum: Drop out of sports or she'll drop me. Abby, this is my senior year. This is my last year of playing. I don't want to quit. I love Maddie, but I'm not sure she has the right to give me such an ultimatum. I don't know what to do. Please help me out. -- "CENTER" OF CONTROVERSY
DEAR "CENTER": Please don't give up sports in order to assuage your girlfriend's insecurities. A person who loves you wouldn't demand such a sacrifice. If you give in, you'll regret it in years to come. Ask yourself: What will she demand next?
No one should issue an ultimatum unless she (or he) is prepared to lose. In this case, it appears your girlfriend fumbled the ball. Her demand is out of bounds. Ignore it.
DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that my husband of four years, "John," is talking with another woman on his cell phone at work. She constantly leaves him voicemail messages, telling him about her day and how she misses him. (One in particular keeps going through my mind: "Baby, it's me! It's a few minutes before 10 and you're not answering your cell phone. Maybe you're sleeping already, but I'll give you a call tomorrow on my lunch break.")
The next time she called, she heard my voice on his voicemail saying, "Sorry, my husband, John, is not available at this time. Please leave a message and someone will return your call as soon as possible." Can you believe that woman actually left another message, saying, "John, you need to take her voice off, because it's not you!"
I'm not dealing with this very well. My self-esteem is falling, and my husband refuses to address the problem. I don't know what to do. I can't seek help, because I don't have any money of my own. -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN MIAMI
DEAR NEEDS AN ANSWER: Here's a message in MY voice. Something is missing here. What's missing is a husband who is contrite and wants to save his marriage. Stop being a victim. Talk to a lawyer, and when the lawyer mentions payment, give him (or her) your husband's credit card number.
DEAR ABBY: My soon-to-be ex-husband, "Fred," and I are in a custody battle over our 10-year-old daughter, "Jen." A while ago, Fred tried to choke me to death, and Jen confided to me last week that she overheard him say he was going to kill me. I told my attorney and the DA's office. They've asked Jen to swear what she said is true.
Because Jen told, she is now afraid of her father. I want to help my daughter through this traumatic time. Do you think counseling will help her to overcome her fear? -- PROTECTIVE MOM IN MARYLAND
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: It's certainly a step in the right direction! However, since Jen's father appears to be volatile, and possibly homicidal, any visits she has with her father should be supervised to ensure that he cannot, in a fit of temper, harm HER. Please discuss this with your lawyer.
GIRL'S STICKY FINGERS COULD SOIL HER FRIEND'S REPUTATION
DEAR ABBY: A close friend of mine -- I'll call her Jane -- is a thief. (She is 15 and I am 14.) Although her thefts are small, I know that petty thefts can turn into big ones.
Jane steals food from snack machines at school and loose change and small bills from people's purses in town. When I tell her to stop because it's wrong, her reply is, "I can't help it -- it's in my blood. I won't take anything big."
My biggest fear is that Jane WILL steal bigger stuff, because when I first noticed her taking change, it happened maybe once a month. Then it increased to once a week. Now it happens every day.
I care about Jane. She's sweet and funny. But I don't know how to get her to stop. How can I help her? Should I tell someone? Please help, Abby. -- SCARED AND HELPLESS
DEAR SCARED: If you are present when Jane steals, you become an accessory to the crime. For your own sake, as well as hers, tell your parents. They should alert Jane's parents to the fact that their daughter has a serious problem. Also, until she overcomes her compulsion to steal, it is vital that you limit your contact with her. As it stands, she is jeopardizing not only her own reputation and future, but yours as well.
DEAR ABBY: My parents died in a car crash when I was a little boy. I am now 14 and live with my grandfather and "Uncle Paul." My grandfather isn't able to work, so Uncle Paul is the only breadwinner in our home.
The problem is, when Uncle Paul gets drunk, he physically attacks my grandfather and me. I love my grandfather and don't like to see him hurt. But I don't want us to end up on the street, either. What can I do to make my uncle be nice to us? -- BLACK-AND-BLUE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR BLACK-AND-BLUE: Your uncle's drinking is out of control. What you have described is both elder abuse and child abuse. You can get help, but only if you get into the social services system. One way to do that would be to tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school what is going on. Do it now. Please don't wait until your uncle loses control to the point that he seriously injures you or your grandfather. Please do not be afraid that you will be "out on the street." Your grandfather may qualify for a small pension, and you should be eligible for Aid to Families with Dependent Children (AFDC).
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Justin," attends every birthday party he's invited to. I respond in advance and purchase nice gifts. When Justin's birthday came, 10 children said they were coming, but not one showed up. It broke my son's heart, and mine.
Abby, how would you handle this? -- UPSET MOM IN MANCHESTER, N.J.
DEAR UPSET MOM: I'd call each and every one of the parents involved and ask if they were aware their child had accepted your son's birthday party invitation. Let them know that 10 children did -- and no one showed up, which is very hurtful. Then stop talking and listen.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
'ONLY' CHILD FINALLY DISCOVERS HALF-SISTERS SHE NEVER KNEW
DEAR ABBY: I am an only child. Four years ago, when I was 19, I lost my father to cancer. Recently I was sorting through some of Dad's papers and found an old will. It said something to the effect that "I, Michael, am the father of Sarah and Anne, both from a previous marriage. When I refer to 'my daughter,' in the remainder of the will, I am speaking only of 'Kelly.'" (That's me.) I was floored. I have two older half-sisters I was never told about! Growing up, I hated being an only child and begged my parents to have more children.
I do not believe my father was a "deadbeat dad," because he always spoke harshly about individuals who didn't pay child support. He traveled the world in the military and lived in many countries and states before he met my mother.
Abby, I am afraid to confront my mother. I know I shouldn't have snooped through my father's old papers, but I feel I had the right to know I have two half-siblings. What do I do now? -- NOT MY FATHER'S ONLY PRECIOUS GIRL
DEAR NOT: If you want answers, tell your mother what you found. You are an adult now, and you have a right to know the truth. What you choose to do with that information is up to you.
DEAR ABBY: I recently graduated from college. My senior year was spent in a house I was renting with six girls I knew from high school. Earlier in the year, my roommates talked me into throwing a party. A lot of people showed up that we didn't know, and the party escalated into violence. A window was smashed, a door was broken, and a friend of ours was punched in the face. After that, I told my roommates I wanted no more parties in our home.
Last week, I went out of town to be with my sister while she had surgery. I heard from a mutual friend that while I was gone, my roommates threw a party and had agreed not to tell me. I am hurt and angry that they hid this from me.
My friend told me to "get over it," that I was outnumbered, and that it wasn't fair for me to tell them they couldn't have a party. Should I confront my roommates about their deception or move on? -- FRUSTRATED IN COLORADO
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I see no reason for confrontation. You are all adults. If you feel their parties are too wild for your taste, instead of moving on, move OUT.
DEAR ABBY: I am a preteen girl with an adult brother who sexually assaults me. One day I finally worked up the guts to tell my mom, but she just told me not to be in the same room with him. Abby, this is impossible because he lives in our house. What can I do that won't cause me to end up in a foster home? -- CLUELESS LITTLE GIRL IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR CLUELESS: Please talk about this to a trusted teacher at school. That your mother is unwilling to protect you is shocking. It does not necessarily follow that if you tell, you will have to go to foster care. There is a strong likelihood that your brother will be removed from the home.
Please understand that none of this is your fault. What your brother is doing to you is a crime. He must be stopped.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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