To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Fears That Credit Card Debt May Cost Her Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I am a happily married woman with two wonderful children and a husband I adore (I'll call him Keith). My problem: I have been hiding a secret. I am a chronic spender. I have racked up thousands of dollars on two credit cards that are in my name. Keith has no idea the accounts exist.
Buying things for Keith and the children and things for the house has always made me happy. I once thought I could control my spending. I'm afraid Keith will divorce me if he finds out what I've done. He has always been frugal, and even though I work full-time, he pays the bills and gives me an allowance.
I lie awake at night worrying about the day my husband discovers we're so deep in debt. What can I do? Please print this because I can't take the chance of getting a letter in the mail. -- ADDICTED TO SPENDING
DEAR ADDICTED: Your husband must be told the truth because it is going to take both of you -- working together -- to climb out of this hole.
First, schedule an appointment with your physician to be screened for depression. Many overspenders suffer from an underlying depression.
Next, contact a credit counseling agency. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling has more than 1,300 community-based agency offices across the country. They provide consumer counseling and education services on budgeting, credit and debt resolution. Their members can be identified by the NFCC member seal, which signifies high standards for agency accreditation, counselor certification, and policies that ensure free or low-cost, confidential services. Member offices can be reached toll-free at: (800) 388-2227, or online at www.nfcc.org.
Another established group with strict quality standards is the Association of Independent Consumer Credit Counseling Agencies (AICCCA). AICCCA has affiliates in all 50 states. To locate the closest AICCCA member office, call (800) 450-1794 or visit www.aiccca.org and click on the "Find a Counseling Agency" link.
And last, but not least, please call Debtors Anonymous for guidance and emotional support. The address is P.O. Box 920888, Needham, MA 02492. The Web site is www.debtorsanonymous.org.
I repeat: You CANNOT do this alone. Because spouses are responsible for each other's debt, you must tell your husband. However, if he knows that you have already begun reaching out for help and support, he may be more forgiving. Now, get going!
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are newlyweds, and I'm having a problem with his family. I was taught never to go empty-handed to a dinner and to always leave what I took for the hostess.
I invited my husband's family to a holiday dinner. After we ate, they packed up all their leftovers and took them home. I was so busy cooking, serving and clearing that I didn't have time to eat -- so I ended up hungry.
Were my in-laws rude? Should I say something or keep my mouth shut? They are coming over again soon and I need to know if I should quickly hide the leftovers I want to keep or go with the flow. -- HUNGRY HOSTESS IN N.Y.
DEAR HUNGRY: "Hiding" the leftovers won't work because if your in-laws are as territorial about food as they appear to be, they won't be fooled.
The next time you cook them dinner sit down and enjoy it with them. That's what a good hostess does. Either that, or make sure you have eaten enough before they arrive so that you won't go hungry later.
Dad Balks at Giving Up Beer to Help Son's Rehab Effort
DEAR ABBY: Our son, "Jonas," got into trouble with the law because of drugs. He is now in rehab seven days a week, and lives here with his father, "Harry," and me. I'm proud to say Jonas is doing well. However, one condition set by the court is that alcohol not be on the premises where he lives.
When Jonas told Harry about it, Harry went ballistic and claimed his own rights were being infringed upon by the courts. Harry stubbornly insists that he will drink beer in his own home if he chooses even though it could get our son sent to jail.
I am standing my ground that alcohol may not be brought into our home. I used to have a glass or two of wine in the evenings, but I'm willing to sacrifice that in order to protect our son's freedom.
I am so torn. I love my husband, but I can hardly stand to look at him right now, because he is willing to risk his son's freedom for a beer. How can he think like that? -- WORRIED MOTHER
DEAR WORRIED: You have every right to be concerned because if there is a surprise search, your son will be blamed for something that's not his fault.
It's unfortunate that your husband is either so wedded to his beer, or such a stubborn contrarian, that he's unwilling to sacrifice his transitory pleasure for the sake of his child. You can't force him to make a mature decision. Since he's unwilling to cooperate, it might be in your son's best interest to live elsewhere.
DEAR ABBY: I was 15 years old when I met "Andy," and by my 19th birthday we were married. We have been together 31 years and have two wonderful sons. Now that they have moved out, it's just the two of us. The problem we seem to have is communication.
It is difficult to talk to Andy about anything without getting into an argument. The only safe topic we can discuss is his job, which he absolutely loves. Most of the time, I just sit here nodding and pretending to be interested while deep inside I want to scream.
When I want to talk about something that interests me, I call a friend or family member, but I would much rather spend quality time talking with my husband. Abby, please tell me how I can break down these barriers of communication and open Andy's mind and heart to me. -- TOTALLY FRUSTRATED IN MARYLAND
DEAR FRUSTRATED: It's possible that your husband's range of interests extends no farther than his office walls. It's also possible that this didn't become obvious before because your attention was focused on raising your children, and his role was cast as being "the provider."
It would be wonderful if the two of you could cultivate an interest together -- travel, a class of some sort, etc. Another excellent option would be to explore Marriage Encounter. The telephone number is (800) 828-3351, and the Web site www.marriage-encounter.org. Please consider it. They have saved many marriages that were on the brink.
DEAR ABBY: My father has a mistress! I know this because I saw them together. He doesn't know that I know. Should I tell my mother? They've been married since 1982. There's someone downstairs, so I must finish this quickly! If I tell, I will be betraying my father. If I don't tell, I will be betraying my mother. Help. Please! -- ANONYMOUS DAUGHTER IN BRAZIL
DEAR DAUGHTER: I don't know what you saw, or how you "know" that the woman your father was with is his mistress and not an acquaintance. However, the first person you should tell is your father. If there isn't an innocent explanation, then tell your mother what you saw.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
REACHING OUT TO OTHERS MAKES DAY OF THANKS A DAY OF GIVING
DEAR READERS: Today is Thanksgiving, the time we pause to consider the blessings for which we have to be thankful. In many homes across the country turkeys are being stuffed, just as the people who consume them will be later in the day.
But for many individuals, these holidays can be an intensely difficult time, triggering feelings of stress, loneliness and loss. If the person is prone to depression, these feelings can be further magnified.
How can anyone feel depressed at this time of year, you ask? It's not that far-fetched. People who are separated from their families often feel isolated because they can't celebrate in the traditional way. Families who have lost a loved one during the year often feel the absence especially keenly at this time. Others become depressed because they imagine that everyone else is enjoying a warm, idealized family experience, while they are on the outside looking in.
Even people who enjoy the holidays can find them stressful. This is a time of year when people are stretched for time, energy and money -- particularly the latter. They may become embarrassed because they can't celebrate the way they would like to, or in the style they have in years past.
Some ways to ward off the holiday blues:
Keep expectations reasonable. Don't take on more activities than you can handle -- financially or otherwise.
Don't overspend. Plan a holiday budget and live within it -- regardless of the temptation.
Do not run up credit card debt, or January will be like a serious hangover.
And speaking of hangovers -- watch your alcohol intake. Remember, although alcohol seems to be a mood elevator, it is actually a depressant. If you have a problem with alcohol, get whatever support you need to make it through the holidays.
A final thought: If you're feeling down and want an instant "upper," the surest way to accomplish it is to do something nice for someone else. Call someone who lives alone and invite that person to dinner. Better yet, say, "I'm coming to get you, and I'll see that you get safely home." (Some older people don't drive at night, and those who do might prefer not to be behind the wheel after dark.) Give it a try! You'll be glad you did.
And now, I'll repeat the Thanksgiving Prayer that was penned by my mother years ago. My Thanksgiving would not be complete without it:
O, Heavenly Father,
We thank Thee for food and remember the hungry.
We thank Thee for health and remember the sick.
We thank Thee for friends and remember the friendless.
We thank Thee for freedom and remember the enslaved.
May these remembrances stir us to service.
That Thy gifts to us may be used for others. Amen.
P.S. We have much for which to be grateful this Thanksgiving Day. For those of you with a little time to spare, how about showing our gratitude to veterans by visiting a veterans hospital and raising the spirits of those who have served our country?
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! -- LOVE, ABBY
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)