For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DORM COUPLE'S COUPLING IS TOO CLOSE FOR ROOMMATE'S COMFORT
DEAR ABBY: I am a freshman in college and live in a dorm with one roommate, "Mary." Mary has had a boyfriend for two years. I'll call him "John." John goes to school a couple of hours away and visits Mary on weekends once or twice a month. This usually isn't a problem for me, as I can plan ahead to go home for the weekend, or go out with friends so Mary and John can have the room to themselves for a few hours.
Yesterday, on short notice, Mary told me that John was spending the night. I frantically tried to make plans to be "elsewhere," but nothing worked out. I told Mary I'd camp out in our dorm lounge, but she said not to worry because John was dead-tired and wanted to go to sleep right away. After he arrived, I sat at my desk doing homework on my computer and listening to music with headphones while Mary and John watched TV in bed.
When I glanced over at them a half-hour later, they were having sex! I didn't know what to do. I tried to ignore them and continue "studying," but it was very distracting to have my roommate and her boyfriend "going at it" 5 feet away. When I woke up this morning, they were doing it again! I pretended to be asleep until they went to breakfast.
Mary has never done anything to embarrass me before. Talking about the incident would make me extremely uncomfortable, but I know something needs to be said before John visits again. Should I talk to Mary -- or just pretend this nightmare didn't happen? -- ANONYMOUS ROOMIE IN A WELL-KNOWN COLLEGE TOWN
DEAR ROOMIE: Take the bull by the horns. Tell Mary that although you are open-minded, you're not a voyeur -- so in the future, she should take that X-rated show elsewhere. It may be embarrassing, but if you don't speak up, the situation will become even more embarrassing. It's your room, too, and what your roommate did was inappropriate and disrespectful.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old boy, and I have finally found the girl of my dreams. "Lisa" is sweet, kind and very cute. She's my first love. I always want to make her happy and I never want to be without her.
There is only one problem. I'll be 18 in a few months. Lisa is only 15 and won't be 16 until next year. I'm afraid people will make us separate because I will soon be an "adult." This just hit me and I'm out on a limb. I love her so much. Is there anything I can do? -- SHOT IN THE HEART
DEAR SHOT IN THE HEART: Since Lisa's parents have not yet objected to the age difference, the chances are they will not do a "180" when your birthday arrives. However, if you are concerned about this, the wisest thing to do would be to talk to her parents about it. Sometimes when you confront a problem head-on, it's not as insurmountable as you fear.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for 30 years. He's been a wonderful stepfather to my three children -- always a good "dad" and a loving and generous grandfather to their kids.
My husband's older sister died last summer, and four months after that his brother passed away. I felt strongly that my children should have shown their sympathy and respect by sending their stepdad flowers, or at least a card in his time of grief. None of them did anything -- not even a phone call.
Abby, am I wrong, or were they? What is the proper action for adult stepchildren to take under these circumstances? -- FEELING HURT IN GEORGIA
DEAR FEELING HURT: Your children should have telephoned their stepfather and extended their condolences. If they live close by, they should have come to you and offered assistance. If travel was a problem, they should have written a condolence letter or sent a card. To have ignored their stepfather's loss was insensitive.
MAN OUT TO WIN SWEEPSTAKES HAD LOST HIS GOOD JUDGMENT
DEAR ABBY: "Going Broke in Maryland" described her 85-year-old husband as a cash cow for charities. She said they live on a fixed income, and he keeps insisting they "don't really need the money."
In my father's case, what she described was the first sign of Alzheimer's disease. It started several years before the usual signs such as confusion or getting lost occurred. He, too, spent a fortune trying to "win" a million dollars from sweepstakes companies.
Since "Going Broke's" husband has clearly lost his good judgment, it's unlikely that legal counsel will bring it back to him. (My dad seemed to understand our advice, but continued sending money to sweepstakes, humane societies, etc.). What "Going Broke" needs is an attorney to protect herself and her husband financially. She should also try to get a medical exam for him. If they have children, they need to help her with this NOW.
"Going Broke's" local Alzheimer's Association can offer assistance and advice. The Maryland attorney general's office will have a consumer protection or omsbudman's office that may be able to advise her. There is probably a Council on Aging in her county. Also, please make sure she has the address of the Direct Marketing Association to stop the junk mail. She may need to block phone calls, too, if telemarketers are a problem at her house.
If she has to take away his control of the family finances, she should try to do it in a way that allows him to put the blame on someone else, not her.
My father never did win the shiny new car or the million dollars he was promised, even though the sweepstakes companies called to get directions to his home and had him fill out official forms requesting color and style of the automobile. He is now in the dementia ward of an assisted-living facility, and my mother wishes she had those thousands of dollars he spent on sweepstakes entries and charities to help pay for his care. -- HOPE THIS HELPS, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR HOPE: You and your family have my sympathy for the way your father's condition was exploited, and I hope "Going Broke" will heed your suggestions. She should also write to each charity that is soliciting her husband and request to be removed from the mailing list.
Readers, you can write to Mail Preference Service, Direct Marketing Association Inc., P.O. Box 643, Carmel, N.Y. 10512. The Web address is www.DMAconsumers.org. If you're drowning in junk mail, contacting it can cut down on the volume.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," is 6 feet, 3 inches. He needed a new car, so my parents "surprised" him with one of theirs. It is less than a year old and in excellent condition.
George and I appreciate my parents' generosity, but the car is very small and extremely uncomfortable for George. What should we do? -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN THE EAST
DEAR THANKS: Thank your parents for their generosity, and explain the problem. Offer to return the car if they wish. If they refuse, sell it, and use the money as a down payment on a larger model. (The alternative is to exchange George for a smaller model -- but that would be even more expensive.)
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Teacher Regrets Lie That Ruined Principal's Career
DEAR ABBY: I am a schoolteacher. Last year I had a brief affair with a much older, married man. He was the principal of my school. I was deeply in love with him and ready to leave my husband to be with him. However, I got cold feet and chose to stay in my marriage, although it had been less than perfect for years.
I confessed everything to my husband, and then told the principal my decision. I haven't seen him since.
I feel an overpowering need to apologize to my lover for what I did to him. You see, I lied and led my husband and the school board to believe that I had been taken advantage of. I called him a "sexual predator" who had forced me into the affair, and he was forced to resign from the school.
Abby, he did not take advantage of me. I knew exactly what I was doing. In fact, I still have strong feelings for him.
Please tell me what I can do to set the record straight and find peace. -- REMORSEFUL IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR REMORSEFUL: It won't be easy. Begin by telling your husband the truth. Next, write a letter to the school board and tell them exactly what you have told me. That will "set the record straight." Your clergyperson will have to help you find peace, because you have a lot to atone for. Please don't wait.
Remember, the longest journey starts with a single step.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old, stay-at-home mom with two beautiful little girls. My youngest daughter, "Tanya," is 5 and suffers from seizures and mental problems. I feel I'm not a good mother because her condition consumes me and all I ever do is cry. I told my husband, "Steve," that I would like to look into putting Tanya in a group home, but he adamantly refuses. Steve says we will separate before that happens.
I love my husband and my child, but I feel I'm going crazy. I have no life. We've spoken to professionals; nothing they suggested is helpful. Steve's mother promised to help, but she makes excuses as to why she can't watch Tanya. I'm out of ideas. What should I do? I have to save my sanity. -- ALONE AND CONFUSED IN TEXAS
DEAR ALONE AND CONFUSED: It appears you are shouldering all the responsibility for Tanya. However, you also have your older child to consider. If you are a basket case, you will be unable to parent either child properly.
It's time to talk to Tanya's doctor about what options are available -- respite care to take some of the strain off you, or a group home for your child. Do not give in to your husband's blackmail. He can't care for her by himself, and his mother has already proven she won't step in. Please take care of yourself. By doing so, you'll be doing the right thing for both your daughters.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. We have seen both good and hard times during our 30 years together. My problem is our sex life died about two years ago.
I love my wife dearly. I don't want to hurt her, but I still have physical needs despite having had a stroke, a heart attack, four bypasses and arthritis. I have also been disabled since 1988 due to a back injury.
Abby, what can I do? My wife knows how strong my sex drive is, but she will no longer try anything sexual. Please help. -- STILL SLEEPING (ONLY) IN THE SAME BED
DEAR STILL SLEEPING: Have a frank talk with your wife. She may be afraid that sex could endanger your health. If that's the case, have your doctor reassure her it is safe. If that's not the problem, she should have her hormone levels checked.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)