Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TEEN CAN'T SHAKE DEPRESSION OVER PARENTS' PENDING DIVORCE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old sophomore in high school. Last year I got into trouble for ditching school and had to go to summer school to make up for my lousy attendance. I thought I would feel differently about things this year, but I don't. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning. I never feel like doing anything.
My parents are having trouble, too. Rumors about my dad having an affair were swirling around town, and at a party, some friends told my mom they were true. They struggled to keep their marriage going, but they couldn't. My dad left.
Abby, my entire family seems to be in deep water with no sign of shore. Is there help for us? -- IN DEEP WATER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR IN DEEP WATER: Divorce is painful, but it is not the end of the world. Tiredness and an inability to concentrate are signs of depression. Please show this letter to your mother. Both of you could benefit from medical and psychological help during this difficult period. If your mother is too distracted to help you, confide in a trusted teacher at school. There IS a light at the end of this tunnel for both you and your mother. You'll get out of the darkness faster with professional help, and please tell her I said so.
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Frank," is happily married. His wife, "Irene," seems to idolize her extended family. Every occasion we celebrate at their home includes Irene's parents, her "Uncle Craig" and "Aunt Lucy" and her cousins.
The problem is, while I was shopping at a mall recently, I encountered Uncle Craig with his arm around a revealingly dressed young woman. His hand was under the back waistband of her jeans. He acknowledged me with a red-faced nod and kept walking.
I haven't disclosed what I saw to anyone other than my husband, but ever since that encounter, we've avoided the celebrations at Frank and Irene's because we know Craig and Lucy will be there. We're running out of excuses, but I don't think Frank and Irene would believe me if I told them the truth.
I have three grandchildren under the age of 9, and I really miss seeing them. What should I do? -- SAW TOO MUCH IN NEWARK
DEAR S.T.M.: Don't allow the fact that you caught Uncle Craig with his hand in the cookie jar (or whatever) to separate you from your grandchildren. Go to the family get-togethers and enjoy yourselves. Be civil to Uncle Craig, but keep your distance. Time wounds all heels, and I'm sure this one will be no exception.
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a girl for nearly a year. We are getting serious. She comes over to my house all the time and has met my parents. We all get along really well. The problem is, she will not allow me to meet her parents. I feel as if I am a big secret. What should I do? -- TEEN IN LOVE IN TOLEDO
DEAR TEEN IN LOVE: Be direct. Ask her why you haven't been introduced. You may discover you are not the secret, and she is worried that if you meet her parents, you won't like her anymore. Or she may be dating without her parents' permission. In other words, the problem may not be YOU.
PASTOR'S AFFAIR WITH WOMAN WAS IN FACT SEXUAL ABUSE
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Fallen and Wants to Get Up." She's the woman who had an affair with her pastor and quit his church in an attempt to end it, but he wouldn't leave her alone. She also mentioned he pockets some of the tithe money.
Your advice to her was right on. She should report the "Pastard" (kudos for the nickname!); however, there is more going on than an affair. "Fallen" has been sexually exploited by that slimeball. The emotional damage experienced by these victims is devastating. Many of them become suicidal. They don't understand what happened to them.
We are taught to place unquestionable trust in professionals in the helping professions. When ethical boundaries are crossed or nonexistent, these victims are severely damaged. This is a subject no one wants to talk about. Sexual misconduct and/or exploitation by a professional -- be it a pastor, doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, teacher, lawyer, firefighter or policeman -- is a criminal offense in 24 states.
Allow me to direct your attention to www.advocateweb.org. We provide support, resources and a community of survivors for these victims. We understand how "Fallen" feels. We educate the public as well as offending professionals. We will help her and others to understand and heal from this gross violation. -- CINDY BOLING, VICE PRESIDENT, ADVOCATEWEB
DEAR CINDY: I'm pleased to help. "Fallen's" letter brought in a flood of mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Fallen" was a good start, but it didn't go far enough. In addition to being a thief and a hypocrite, Pastor Jones is also a sexual predator. It is always the pastor's responsibility to set the boundaries, just as it is with any other professional.
"Fallen" should contact the FaithTrust Institute (www.faithtrustinstitute.org) for support on her journey of healing from this insidious form of abuse. -- SEMINARY STUDENT IN INDIANA
DEAR SEMINARY STUDENT: Thank you for wanting to help. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Having been on the staff of two large churches and on the executive leadership board of my former church, I predict that church membership, its staff and the larger church body will do nothing -- or, if pushed, will do everything in their power to deflect blame to the weakest person.
Pastors and many church members are well-connected in the community. Maintaining the image of the church is more important to them than disciplining their own or caring for a repentant member. "Fallen" does not appear to be strong enough to see her husband, her lover and her church turn into enemies. -- NO NAME, NO CHURCH
DEAR NO NAME: Don't bet on it! All she needs is God on her side, a good lawyer, and to understand the extent to which she has been victimized.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to the fallen wife and mother was on the mark. However, I take exception to the "Pastard" remark. We have enough foul language in this world without your adding to it. -- C.F. IN FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR C.F.: I have received both castigation and congratulation for my remark. I don't regret coining the term. The B-word is more accurate, but this is a family newspaper.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Poison Is Dangerous Solution to Problem of Mailbox Spiders
DEAR ABBY: As a longtime postal carrier, I found the letter you printed from the carrier in Las Vegas interesting and frightening. I, too, find spiders in mailboxes. Sometimes I shoo them out; sometimes they run and hide. When they're black widows, I usually try to squish them. But I never want my customers to spray poisons into or around their mailboxes!
Once a poison has been applied to the mailbox, it will be transferred not only to the letters placed inside but also to the hands that retrieve them and the nose that inhales while the person is standing at the mailbox.
Furthermore, spiders are not easy to poison. The spray has to land on the spider to be effective. I have seen people drench their mailboxes with spray because harmless ants have used it as a temporary shelter. (The ants would have moved on in a few days.) However, the TV Guide the family will be handling the entire week is now soaked in poison.
Please warn readers to look inside their mailboxes before reaching in. It's a safer way to avoid contact with spiders, and it's simpler. -- SUSAN S., NORTH HIGHLANDS, CALIF.
DEAR SUSAN: Call me an arachnophobe, but if I saw a black widow spider, my first reaction would be to call an exterminator. However, I have heard from several other mail carriers, and all echoed your sentiments.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You don't need to use bug spray in the mailbox. A mothball in the mailbox will keep ALL the critters out! -- JANET L., BOWLING GREEN, MO.
DEAR JANET L.: I'm passing along your remedy, but if those who decide to try it have sensitivity to mothballs, I urge them to think twice and consult their physician first. (And please remember to ask your postal carrier if he or she is allergic.)
DEAR ABBY: When I was growing up, my older sister, "Lisa," beat me up frequently. It started when I was 3 and she was 6. The beatings continued until I was 12. Then she started doing other things -- like spraying hairspray in my eyes and telling our parents I did it to myself, or breaking the zipper on my backpack just as I was getting on the school bus. One time, Lisa maneuvered me into the back seat of my brother's car and whispered for him to slam on the brakes. She held on and laughed while I was thrown against the front seat and cut my head.
My parents never said a word to her, and my mother always sided with her against me. I went through years of depression but finally graduated from college and got on with my life.
Now that we are adults, Lisa thinks we should be friends. I think now, after all she did to me, she should leave me alone and let me live in peace. What do you think? -- TIRED OF HER ABUSE IN ARIZONA
DEAR TIRED: I agree. Your sister was a malicious brat, but I fault your parents for turning a blind eye instead of stopping the abuse. I don't blame you for wanting little or nothing to do with your childhood abuser. Under the circumstances, it's a logical decision. The time for building a close and loving relationship was years ago.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)