To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
PASTOR'S AFFAIR WITH WOMAN WAS IN FACT SEXUAL ABUSE
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Fallen and Wants to Get Up." She's the woman who had an affair with her pastor and quit his church in an attempt to end it, but he wouldn't leave her alone. She also mentioned he pockets some of the tithe money.
Your advice to her was right on. She should report the "Pastard" (kudos for the nickname!); however, there is more going on than an affair. "Fallen" has been sexually exploited by that slimeball. The emotional damage experienced by these victims is devastating. Many of them become suicidal. They don't understand what happened to them.
We are taught to place unquestionable trust in professionals in the helping professions. When ethical boundaries are crossed or nonexistent, these victims are severely damaged. This is a subject no one wants to talk about. Sexual misconduct and/or exploitation by a professional -- be it a pastor, doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, teacher, lawyer, firefighter or policeman -- is a criminal offense in 24 states.
Allow me to direct your attention to www.advocateweb.org. We provide support, resources and a community of survivors for these victims. We understand how "Fallen" feels. We educate the public as well as offending professionals. We will help her and others to understand and heal from this gross violation. -- CINDY BOLING, VICE PRESIDENT, ADVOCATEWEB
DEAR CINDY: I'm pleased to help. "Fallen's" letter brought in a flood of mail. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Fallen" was a good start, but it didn't go far enough. In addition to being a thief and a hypocrite, Pastor Jones is also a sexual predator. It is always the pastor's responsibility to set the boundaries, just as it is with any other professional.
"Fallen" should contact the FaithTrust Institute (www.faithtrustinstitute.org) for support on her journey of healing from this insidious form of abuse. -- SEMINARY STUDENT IN INDIANA
DEAR SEMINARY STUDENT: Thank you for wanting to help. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Having been on the staff of two large churches and on the executive leadership board of my former church, I predict that church membership, its staff and the larger church body will do nothing -- or, if pushed, will do everything in their power to deflect blame to the weakest person.
Pastors and many church members are well-connected in the community. Maintaining the image of the church is more important to them than disciplining their own or caring for a repentant member. "Fallen" does not appear to be strong enough to see her husband, her lover and her church turn into enemies. -- NO NAME, NO CHURCH
DEAR NO NAME: Don't bet on it! All she needs is God on her side, a good lawyer, and to understand the extent to which she has been victimized.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to the fallen wife and mother was on the mark. However, I take exception to the "Pastard" remark. We have enough foul language in this world without your adding to it. -- C.F. IN FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR C.F.: I have received both castigation and congratulation for my remark. I don't regret coining the term. The B-word is more accurate, but this is a family newspaper.
Poison Is Dangerous Solution to Problem of Mailbox Spiders
DEAR ABBY: As a longtime postal carrier, I found the letter you printed from the carrier in Las Vegas interesting and frightening. I, too, find spiders in mailboxes. Sometimes I shoo them out; sometimes they run and hide. When they're black widows, I usually try to squish them. But I never want my customers to spray poisons into or around their mailboxes!
Once a poison has been applied to the mailbox, it will be transferred not only to the letters placed inside but also to the hands that retrieve them and the nose that inhales while the person is standing at the mailbox.
Furthermore, spiders are not easy to poison. The spray has to land on the spider to be effective. I have seen people drench their mailboxes with spray because harmless ants have used it as a temporary shelter. (The ants would have moved on in a few days.) However, the TV Guide the family will be handling the entire week is now soaked in poison.
Please warn readers to look inside their mailboxes before reaching in. It's a safer way to avoid contact with spiders, and it's simpler. -- SUSAN S., NORTH HIGHLANDS, CALIF.
DEAR SUSAN: Call me an arachnophobe, but if I saw a black widow spider, my first reaction would be to call an exterminator. However, I have heard from several other mail carriers, and all echoed your sentiments.
Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You don't need to use bug spray in the mailbox. A mothball in the mailbox will keep ALL the critters out! -- JANET L., BOWLING GREEN, MO.
DEAR JANET L.: I'm passing along your remedy, but if those who decide to try it have sensitivity to mothballs, I urge them to think twice and consult their physician first. (And please remember to ask your postal carrier if he or she is allergic.)
DEAR ABBY: When I was growing up, my older sister, "Lisa," beat me up frequently. It started when I was 3 and she was 6. The beatings continued until I was 12. Then she started doing other things -- like spraying hairspray in my eyes and telling our parents I did it to myself, or breaking the zipper on my backpack just as I was getting on the school bus. One time, Lisa maneuvered me into the back seat of my brother's car and whispered for him to slam on the brakes. She held on and laughed while I was thrown against the front seat and cut my head.
My parents never said a word to her, and my mother always sided with her against me. I went through years of depression but finally graduated from college and got on with my life.
Now that we are adults, Lisa thinks we should be friends. I think now, after all she did to me, she should leave me alone and let me live in peace. What do you think? -- TIRED OF HER ABUSE IN ARIZONA
DEAR TIRED: I agree. Your sister was a malicious brat, but I fault your parents for turning a blind eye instead of stopping the abuse. I don't blame you for wanting little or nothing to do with your childhood abuser. Under the circumstances, it's a logical decision. The time for building a close and loving relationship was years ago.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: Today is Veterans Day -- the day that is dedicated to the brave men and women who have served this country with honor, in war and in peace. You have our gratitude for your devotion to duty.
The poem that follows has appeared in my column before. The author's wife, Marie C. Middleton, was kind enough to send it to me. I'm sure you'll agree that it's a fitting tribute to share on Veterans Day.
A SOLDIER'S PRAYER
by Maj. Gen. James B. Middleton
Lord, bless the wives
who grieve alone
And comfort the mothers
who mourn their own
Give solace to the fathers
who lost their sons
On foreign shores and in
places unknown.
Lord, strengthen the resolve
of we who remain
To see that they did not
die in vain.
DEAR ABBY: When my husband gets out of the military, we will be deciding where to live. We want to live near my parents, but how close is too close?
The house next door is for sale. We don't have kids yet, but I keep imagining how wonderful it would be to have their grandparents next door. My mom and I have always been close; however, I don't want to move next door if it will hurt our relationship in the long run. If we set boundaries up front, could it work? -- CAUTIOUS WIFE AND DAUGHTER
DEAR CAUTIOUS: It all depends on the individuals involved. In some families, the kind of situation you have described works well. In others, it leads to chaos and unhappiness. Much depends upon whether your husband wants to be your parents' "extended family" and on how well your parents respect boundaries.
In your case, no decisions should be made until your husband has completed his tour of duty and you have discussed this matter thoroughly and honestly.
DEAR ABBY: I am 57 years old with grown children. Twelve years ago, I moved closer to my parents so I could care for them. After Dad died in '97, Mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. I took care of her in my home for a while, but when her needs increased to 24/7, I could no longer handle it. Fortunately, I found her a nice nursing home, and I visit her often. I host cookie parties for all the residents and take Mother out for weekly rides and ice cream. She is no longer able to speak, and I am not sure she still knows me.
This Christmas, my husband wants to take me to Arizona for a family vacation. He says Mother won't know the difference. Abby, I feel so guilty leaving her. Should I go? -- DEVOTED DAUGHTER IN MISSOURI
DEAR DEVOTED: Yes, you should go. Have an early Christmas party with your mother and the other residents before you leave for Arizona. The timing won't matter to them. Please, do not feel guilty. Your signature says it all.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)