To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
ABUSIVE SUPERVISOR LEAVES WORKER WITH NO PLACE TO TURN
DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem with my supervisor at work. I'll call her Lydia. I began working for Lydia last year after being laid off for four months from another company. Since then, I've been picked on and harassed unmercifully. I find myself "walking on eggshells" and feeling anxious every day. Lydia is constantly looking for something about me to criticize. She does not treat anyone else this way, and I cannot figure out the best way to deal with her.
Please don't tell me to complain to the human resources department because I have already tried that. I was told to fill out a grievance report and submit it to Lydia's boss -- who I have heard say: "Lydia makes all the decisions. I trust her judgment and I support her to the end."
I have been documenting Lydia's treatment of me since last spring. I cannot afford to lose my job; however, I don't know if I have the emotional strength to tolerate the abuse much longer. -- TIRED OF GETTING YELLED AT IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR TIRED: Make sure you're doing a good job and are punctual about attendance. Continue documenting Lydia's treatment. Since "complaining" has not helped, present copies of your documentation to the human resources director. That should get the director's attention. If the situation doesn't improve, start looking for another job -- and send a copy of your documentation to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), along with a letter of complaint.
DEAR ABBY: My 35-year-old daughter, "Linda," moved back home to live with my husband and me. She recently attempted suicide and is now going to counseling for substance abuse and depression. I have tried hard to avoid bringing up old issues that have created problems between us in the past. One issue that keeps recurring, however, is the embarrassing way Linda dresses. The clothes she wears make her look cheap and available.
Should we bite our tongues and keep our mouths shut? -- SILENTLY HURTING IN GEORGIA
DEAR SILENTLY HURTING: Refrain from saying anything critical that could be blown out of proportion at this sensitive time. Your daughter is dealing with far more serious issues than fashion faux pas right now. When it's appropriate, her counselor will probably address the issue of how she is packaging herself. So be patient. In situations like this, timing is everything.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," and I divorced six years ago when our daughter, "Jessica," was 3 months old. Jessica and her father are very close and visit each other often. The problem is, Dan and his father had an argument several years ago and haven't talked since. Jessica has not seen her grandfather for several years, and she asks me what happened to him.
Would it be OK for me to contact Dan's father? I don't want to overstep my bounds or do anything to strain the friendly relationship I have with Dan. I don't see why Jessica can't visit her grandfather even though the "grown-ups" can't get along. Please advise. -- CONFUSED IN NORTHRIDGE, CALIF.
DEAR CONFUSED: Before making any phone calls to Grandpa, first discuss it with Dan. Tell him that Jessica has been asking about her grandfather. It's possible that your daughter's request will cause some fences to be mended, so think positive.
DISINTEGRATING FAMILY HAS DAUGHTER READY TO CRACK
DEAR ABBY: I need your help. I am 28 years old and have two great parents. Their marriage has not always been the best.
My mom confided to me the other night that she has been seeing a man who works with her. I couldn't believe it. Mom is a recovering alcoholic, sober for 12 years -- and since she met this man, she goes out with him several times a week for drinks and dinner.
I am ready to fall apart. My teenage sister is in drug rehab, and now my mother starts drinking again, cheats on my father and asks me not to tell. On top of that, I have a child with disabilities. What am I to do?
I love my parents dearly. Should I tell my dad about the other man? I have asked my mom to stop, but she says this man "treats her like a queen." -- STRESSED TO THE MAX IN THE SOUTH
DEAR STRESSED: For your sanity, take yourself out of the middle. As much as you love them, you are not responsible for saving your parents' marriage. Your father must be aware on some level that your mother is drinking again.
"Queens" have been known to lose their heads, and it appears your mother has lost hers. The next time she confides in you about her Prince Charming, tell her you refuse to be her confidante. Silence makes you an accomplice. Give your mother a deadline to come clean with your father, and tell her if she doesn't tell him what's going on by then, you will. Between your mother and your sister, your father has enough problems. He doesn't need a sexually transmitted disease on top of everything else.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 20-year-old college student living at home. I recently met a guy I'll call "Sandy" over the Internet. I found his e-mail address on an e-pals site and wrote to him. We have been chatting online almost every night and have fallen in love.
Sandy and I are serious about each other, and he is who he says he is, because I have done some background checks on him. I am planning on traveling to see him as soon as I earn the money. (He lives in Australia.)
My problem is my parents. They are very protective and refuse to accept how I feel about Sandy. They worry because I met him on the Internet.
How should Sandy and I approach my parents? We thought about Sandy writing them a letter, but I don't know if that would work. Please help. -- IN LOVE IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR IN LOVE: I understand your parents' concern, because people are not always what they represent themselves to be on the Internet. However, many people have found true love via the information superhighway, so the fact that you met Sandy online should not automatically rule him out. Ask him to visit you and your family, rather than you making that first move. It would prove his sincerity and give your parents a chance to ease their concerns by giving him the traditional "once-over." I wish you the best of luck.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Protect Paycheck Dollars by Using Your Good Sense
DEAR ABBY: Every time I walk into a bank to use the ATM, I notice the trash cans are full of paycheck stubs. Don't these customers realize that in most cases their Social Security numbers are printed on those stubs along with their full names and addresses?
Please get the word out: BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION! Also, is there any reason why our full Social Security number has to be printed on our paycheck stubs? In this age of electronic transfer and identity theft, it seems another ID code could be implemented. Thank you for letting me spout off. -- REGINA IN N.Y.
DEAR REGINA: Your letter is a timely one because October has been designated "Security Month." (How sad that we need to have one.) You're absolutely right that people should be ultra-careful about paycheck stubs. They should be equally careful about canceled checks, receipts, and any other item that could be stolen and used to aid in identity theft. Many people save their paycheck stubs to give to their accountant at the end of the year or to keep track of accumulated vacation time -- so they shouldn't be discarded in haste anyway.
According to Mariana Gitomer of the Social Security office in Los Angeles, the Social Security Administration does not require Social Security numbers on paychecks. Some employers use only a portion of the numbers rather than the complete ID. Since the practice is discretionary, concerned employees should discuss with their employers whether it should be continued. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As president and founder of the world's largest document destruction and recycling company, I know firsthand how important it is to be vigilant when it comes to the dangers of identity theft. Studies show that this crime affects more than a million victims each year -- making it one of the fastest-growing crimes in North America.
Identity theft occurs when criminals steal your personal information and use it for fraudulent purposes, frequently costing victims thousands of dollars. Most often this happens when people throw away their personal papers such as bills, credit card statements and preapproved credit card offers.
Some steps you can take to protect your confidential information:
(1) Check your credit reports once a year to make sure there are no discrepancies.
(2) Guard your Social Security number and don't carry your Social Security card with you unless absolutely necessary.
(3) Always destroy papers containing personal information prior to throwing them out (a cross-cut shredder is best).
(4) Never give your information to telephone solicitors, unless you have called them yourself.
(5) Consider using a locked mailbox to receive all mail.
(6) If you have Internet access on your computer, always install a firewall.
(7) Businesses should talk to their employees about the importance of confidentiality and establish clear guidelines on workplace security. -- GREG BROPHY, PRESIDENT, SHRED-IT INTERNATIONAL INC.
DEAR GREG: Thank you for pointing out that preventing identity theft is simply a matter of being cautious, proactive and always vigilant with one's private information. Readers, heed his warning NOW. Remember: Better safe than sorry!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)