What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Is Desperate to Get Son Off Her Couch and on His Own
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two young daughters and a 21-year-old son, "Billy," who dropped out of high school during his senior year. When it happened, I was very upset. I told him if he wanted to continue to live at home, he would have to get a full-time job and pay rent. Billy didn't like that idea, so he went to live with his girlfriend and her parents, who didn't seem to care that he had no job.
About a year ago, Billy's girlfriend broke up with him. Since he had no place to go, I told him he could stay with me temporarily. He has been sleeping on my couch ever since. Billy has only a part-time job. He says that's all he can find. I'm tired of supporting him and I think he should be out on his own by now, but if I kick him out, he'll have nowhere to go. His father is no help. Billy rarely sees him. I'm at my wit's end. Please tell me what I should do. -- FED-UP MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MOM: Your son may have trouble finding full-time employment because he lacks a high school diploma. His first priority should be to contact his high school and find out how to get his GED. Then he must start studying again and pick up where he left off when he dropped out.
I know it's frustrating, but be patient a little longer. I don't know what Billy's talents are, but if he isn't college material, he should consider going to a trade school and learning a marketable skill. The job market is difficult right now, so accept the fact that a part-time job and getting his equivalency diploma may be all Billy can manage for a while.
As long as your son is willing to work toward success, you should be willing to compromise. However, if he isn't willing to go to trade school or get a GED, he should get a full-time job. There are jobs at fast-food places, movie theaters, supermarkets, etc., that don't require skills and/or diplomas. At 21, your son is too old to be supported. Be prepared to be firm with him, because if you aren't, he may never learn to fly on his own.
DEAR ABBY: I need advice. I am a woman in my mid-30s, married more than 10 years, and the mother of two children. My husband, "Howard," is a good father and has an important job with a six-figure income. I don't have to work. I buy whatever I want and Howard doesn't mind.
My problem is, I don't think I'm in love with Howard. He has an extremely low sex drive. We haven't been intimate in years. In fact, out of frustration, I moved out of the bedroom last year. I have tried talking to him about our problem to no avail. He refuses to go to counseling.
To complicate matters, three years ago I began an affair with a married man. Although he and his wife have children, they are divorcing. We want to be together, but I don't know if I can leave Howard. My lover earns less than half of what Howard makes, plus he will have to pay child support. I don't know if I can manage on his salary. Please understand, I don't work because I don't want to put my kids in day care.
As I see it, I have three choices:
(1) Continue the affair and hope nobody finds out.
(2) Leave Howard and hope my lover and I can make it on his small salary.
(3) End the affair.
If we end the affair, I think one of us would have to move. We live in a small town and travel in the same social circles. This whole thing is driving me crazy. What should I do? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: In a nutshell, it comes down to this: Which is more important to you -- sex or money? Both are powerful motivators, but only you can answer that question.
MAN'S 'FRIENDSHIP' LUNCHES RAISE HIS WIFE'S SUSPICIONS
DEAR ABBY: I think I am going crazy. My husband, "Lou," retired from the travel business two years ago. Since then, he has maintained a friendship with a married woman, "Maggie," who worked in his office. I didn't mind their bimonthly lunches as long as they took place in a public restaurant.
I recently learned, by chance, that they have been having lunch in Maggie's home, have taken a business trip together out of town, and even went canoeing. They also arranged to travel with her husband to select land to build a cabin on. When her husband couldn't go, Lou and Maggie went by themselves.
Lou has become sneaky and secretive about his meetings with Maggie, but he insists that they are "just friends" and that "nobody is going to tell him to give her up."
He finally agreed to go back to meeting her in public, but he complains that I am "suspicious." I know he eagerly awaits their luncheons together because he gets all dressed up and puts on deodorant.
Abby, I am 10 years younger than my husband. I am active and considered good-looking. Although Lou says he loves me, his words ring hollow. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Am I justified in asking him to give up this "friend"? Should I consider leaving him? -- SECOND FIDDLE IN ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR SECOND FIDDLE: Maggie may be just a friend, but your husband should consider your feelings first. His lack of candor and secretiveness would make anyone suspicious. Since this is "only a friendship," it's time you were included in these luncheons. Make a point of making yourself available. If your husband refuses, try marriage counseling before you pack your bags.
DEAR ABBY: As I sat on my porch today, I could hear my neighbor beating his children. I called Child Protective Services and reported it.
I have lived here only a few months, Abby, but the child abuser has lived here for about 10 years. Why am I the first person to report it? The other neighbors have certainly heard the screaming, too.
I told the social worker, "It sounds like a leather belt striking the skin." When he asked how I knew what a belt sounds like when it hits skin, I told him that I was abused as a child. For 13 years I was beaten almost daily. No one ever came to my rescue. Our neighbors must have heard my screams, too, but no one did a thing to stop it -- just like the neighbors I have now.
Abby, people must realize that they may be the only ones who can make a difference in a child's life. Children can't stand up to an adult who beats them. Help is available -- and it's just a phone call away. You don't even have to give your name.
I made the phone call because when I was a child I prayed every day for SOMEONE to help me -- but no one ever did. I refuse to allow another child to be treated the way I was. -- GOOD NEIGHBOR IN RENO
DEAR GOOD NEIGHBOR: You were right to speak out. All a person who suspects child abuse and/or neglect has to do is pick up the phone and ask the operator for the phone number of Child Protective Services. One phone call can prevent years of suffering -- and literally make the difference between life and death. Kudos to you.
DEAR READERS: At 2:00 a.m., daylight-saving time came to an end. Did you remember to turn your clocks back one hour? And have you replaced the batteries in your smoke alarms? If not, now's the time!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm an attractive 41-year-old woman with a big problem. I have never had a lasting friendship with another woman. All my close friends have been men. "Jack," my husband of 21 years, hasn't been concerned about this until recently.
A year ago, "Jon" began working with me. Jon is witty, charming and great with my children. He is also good-looking, young and single. We have become close friends, and I find myself in intimate conversations with Jon that I can't have with Jack. We are so alike, it's like looking in a mirror. We've never had sex, and I don't think Jon wants it either.
I've told Jack almost everything about Jon. He says he believes and trusts me. I'm not sure I believe him. Jon and I used to stay after work and talk for hours. I could see it upset Jack because he became withdrawn, so we stopped doing it. Now I try to call Jon when Jack isn't home. Or when I'm running errands, I drop by Jon's house. But it feels like I'm cheating, even though I'm not doing anything wrong.
I want Jack and Jon to be friends, but Jack is almost hostile to Jon. I love my husband and my children. I would never do anything to hurt them -- but I need Jon and he needs me.
Please don't tell me to forget Jon, because this is only a friendship. I want both Jon and Jack in my life. -- WANTS IT ALL IN CEDAR RAPIDS
DEAR WANTS: It's time for a reality check, dear lady. Your relationship with Jon has evolved from a friendship into an emotional affair. Don't blame your husband for reacting the way he has.
Sneaking around will only drive more of a wedge between you and your spouse when the truth comes out. Before you destroy your marriage, find out what happened to the intimacy you once shared with your husband. Only then can you put it back on track.
Hint: A giant step in the right direction would be for you to find another place of employment.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Millie," is being married for the second time. She has asked me to be her maid of honor again and is planning a wedding even bigger than the first.
I am happy for Millie, but since her first wedding, my situation has changed dramatically. My husband was laid off, and I am now the primary breadwinner for our family of five. We are having a hard time making ends meet.
I cannot afford the financial burden of being in Millie's wedding. I don't want her to think I'm making excuses. She has always been there for me. I feel so guilty. What should I say to my friend? -- TORN IN TEXAS
DEAR TORN: Tell her exactly what you have told me. If she is, indeed, your best friend, she will understand. There is no reason to feel "guilty." Your husband was laid off because of the bad economy -- and consequently, your priorities have had to change. That may not be good news for your friend, but it's reality, and your family is not the only one that has experienced this.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)