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DEAR ABBY: I am writing regarding "Sad Mom in Michigan," who ignored her daughter's second thoughts about getting married and rushed her to the altar because the wedding was already paid for. Many pastors, myself included, can add her letter to our collection of wedding horror stories. Families often spend thousands of dollars to show off in a one-hour ceremony instead of investing time in talking to their kids about commitment. I have seen brides blackmailed into doing what the parents wanted because "we're paying for it."
A wedding should be an occasion of joy as a couple begins a new life together, not a nerve-wracking, bankrupting extravaganza that everyone would like to forget. Parents who want a circus shouldn't turn their kids into clowns in order to live out their own fantasies.
If a child expresses doubts before a wedding, that is the time to back up, take a breath and reconsider, no matter what has been paid. Divorce is more expensive than any wedding. -- PASTOR IN DALLAS
DEAR PASTOR: And in more ways than one. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I respond to "Sad Mom," who gave her 27-year-old daughter the wrong advice about going through with her marriage? As a pastor, I take marriage seriously. When a couple asks me to perform their ceremony, I make it clear I believe that marriage is for life.
Each time I meet with a couple, I ask if they still want to go through with the ceremony, and I tell them that if there is any doubt at all, we can "postpone" it. I would rather have them call it off now than one year, 10 years or even 50 years down the road.
I also inform the couple that on the day of the ceremony I will ask if they want to go through with it, and if for any reason they wish to call it off, it is perfectly OK. It is their future, not the future of their parents or friends.
God bless! -- TERRY JOHNSON, PASTOR, CALVARY CHAPEL, WESTWOOD, CALIF.
DEAR PASTOR JOHNSON: You are a wise pastor. Unless both parties are convinced beyond a doubt they're doing the right thing, they shouldn't do it. A 10-minute "mistake" can lead to a lifetime of misery. Do the math!
DEAR ABBY: One of my employees is applying to get her MBA and has asked me to write a letter of recommendation for graduate school. Her performance at work has been acceptable but not outstanding, and I don't feel comfortable writing a "glowing" letter about her.
I know how important recommendations are, and I don't want to hurt her chances of pursuing her dream. How can I tactfully decline? -- HONEST BOSS IN COLORADO
DEAR HONEST BOSS: Invite the employee into your office. Praise her for her fine qualities and tell her where there is room for improvement. Say that you honestly cannot write a "glowing" recommendation and must decline because you don't want to spoil her chances of being accepted. It's the kindest way to handle a potentially ego-damaging situation.
Therapist Frustrated by Parents Who Make Excuses for Kids
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you ask readers to share their pet peeves. I hope you will allow me to air mine. I am a family therapist.
What makes me want to hit my head against the wall when I go home some nights is parents who would rather bail their child out of trouble than put in the time in advance to assure that the child gets the help he or she needs. I see it happen repeatedly.
You seem to have an answer for everything. What do these parents think will happen when the "child" reaches middle age and there are no more excuses left? I challenge you to answer that one. -- BURNED OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR BURNED OUT: There's no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Some parents tolerate their children's repeated misbehavior because they refuse to admit that their child could be flawed. Others are so involved in their own lives that they would rather throw money at a problem than make tougher, more demanding choices. The outcome is predictable, but they're not thinking ahead.
Which brings me back to you: If you are truly ready to "hit your head against a wall" at the end of your workday, please consider this: Sometimes it TAKES a therapist to HELP a therapist. Find one before you truly burn out. To paraphrase a pearl of wisdom attributed to Henry Kissinger: "A problem ignored is a crisis invited."
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Charlie" for a year. We are going to move in together at the end of the month. Charlie is thoughtful and sweet, and for the first time in my life, I feel I can be totally myself around a man.
Last night, I had my feet propped up on his book bag and the bag fell open. I looked down and saw a pair of black women's panties in the style that he has been badgering me to wear. Next to them were two DVDs with pornographic pictures on the front. I was horrified.
I have trusted Charlie because he really doesn't have time to cheat on me. But why would he carry around another girl's underwear?
Abby, I can't think straight right now. I don't want to make a mistake, and I have no idea what to do. Please help. -- SCARED TO MOVE IN NEW YORK
DEAR SCARED: Ask Charlie to whom the underwear belongs. They could be for you, they could be a souvenir -- or they could be his. The only way to find out is to ask.
DEAR ABBY: Since I was 10, I've had a crush on my neighbor, "Chad." He's three years older than me. Sometimes we say "Hi" to each other, and other times he doesn't notice me. When I walk real slow past his house, I can feel him looking at me.
My dream is to ask Chad to my senior prom next spring. Can you give me some advice? -- LOVE-STRUCK IN SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR LOVE-STRUCK: The next time you stroll past Chad's house and catch him outside, stop and chat with him. You have changed a great deal since you were 10. By Christmas you may have established a relationship, and if you have, make a New Year's resolution to ask him to the prom by March. If he's available, that's plenty of notice. If he's not, there's still time to ask someone else.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Past Prevents Man From Looking to the Future
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Tina," and I have been dating for six months. For the most part, things are pretty good. However, she has been more promiscuous in the past than I would like in a partner.
I understand people can change and that we should live in the present rather than dwell on the past. However, I can't forget Tina's past sex life, and at times I find myself consumed by it. I don't want this to affect our relationship, but it does. Can you offer some advice? -- RUMINATING IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR RUMINATING: Only this: If your girlfriend's past is always going to be an issue for you, it's only fair that you go your separate ways before you waste any more time with each other. No one can change the past, and Tina has the right to be with a man who does not dwell on hers.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address the concerns of "Soldier's Wife in Colorado." She's the woman who said her husband refused to accept a stateside job and "can't wait" to go into combat and leave behind her and their three young children.
Abby, I am a colonel in the U.S. Army with 25 years of service. I don't think her husband wishes to go into combat. I expect that he recognizes that it's his duty to go when called. He, like all others, has fears about going, but works to overcome them. He signed the contract and took the Oath of Enlistment, swearing to defend our nation. Our nation depends on us to go when ordered.
Most military families are suffering the same stresses that she is. She must be strong for her family's sake. They could benefit from some marriage counseling, too. I wish them well. -- COLONEL IN THE U.S. ARMY
DEAR COLONEL: I, too, wish them well. My heart grows heavy when I listen to the nightly news reports of military casualties. I can only imagine how the loved ones of deployed military members must feel. One effective coping mechanism is to band together for mutual support. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for making your readers aware of the fears and heartaches that soldiers and family members experience. Most soldiers want to make the country safe for their families and strive for peace.
Rapid mobilization, deployment, or even simple temporary duty doesn't have to create unnecessary hardship. There is strength in numbers. Please inform families of U.S. Army members about the Army Family Team Building (AFTB) at their local military installation or online at www.armyfamilyteambuilding.org.
There are many members to share with, and help for spouses and members of the military in dealing with the emotions they are experiencing. AFTB was created to help answer questions about the Army and military service, and to give support to families and other interested parties. -- CARING HEART IN MONMOUTH, N.J.
DEAR CARING HEART: Bless you for reaching out to help families facing the stress of separation. I hope my readers will avail themselves of the resource you have recommended.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)