For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Therapist Frustrated by Parents Who Make Excuses for Kids
DEAR ABBY: From time to time you ask readers to share their pet peeves. I hope you will allow me to air mine. I am a family therapist.
What makes me want to hit my head against the wall when I go home some nights is parents who would rather bail their child out of trouble than put in the time in advance to assure that the child gets the help he or she needs. I see it happen repeatedly.
You seem to have an answer for everything. What do these parents think will happen when the "child" reaches middle age and there are no more excuses left? I challenge you to answer that one. -- BURNED OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR BURNED OUT: There's no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Some parents tolerate their children's repeated misbehavior because they refuse to admit that their child could be flawed. Others are so involved in their own lives that they would rather throw money at a problem than make tougher, more demanding choices. The outcome is predictable, but they're not thinking ahead.
Which brings me back to you: If you are truly ready to "hit your head against a wall" at the end of your workday, please consider this: Sometimes it TAKES a therapist to HELP a therapist. Find one before you truly burn out. To paraphrase a pearl of wisdom attributed to Henry Kissinger: "A problem ignored is a crisis invited."
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Charlie" for a year. We are going to move in together at the end of the month. Charlie is thoughtful and sweet, and for the first time in my life, I feel I can be totally myself around a man.
Last night, I had my feet propped up on his book bag and the bag fell open. I looked down and saw a pair of black women's panties in the style that he has been badgering me to wear. Next to them were two DVDs with pornographic pictures on the front. I was horrified.
I have trusted Charlie because he really doesn't have time to cheat on me. But why would he carry around another girl's underwear?
Abby, I can't think straight right now. I don't want to make a mistake, and I have no idea what to do. Please help. -- SCARED TO MOVE IN NEW YORK
DEAR SCARED: Ask Charlie to whom the underwear belongs. They could be for you, they could be a souvenir -- or they could be his. The only way to find out is to ask.
DEAR ABBY: Since I was 10, I've had a crush on my neighbor, "Chad." He's three years older than me. Sometimes we say "Hi" to each other, and other times he doesn't notice me. When I walk real slow past his house, I can feel him looking at me.
My dream is to ask Chad to my senior prom next spring. Can you give me some advice? -- LOVE-STRUCK IN SANTA MONICA, CALIF.
DEAR LOVE-STRUCK: The next time you stroll past Chad's house and catch him outside, stop and chat with him. You have changed a great deal since you were 10. By Christmas you may have established a relationship, and if you have, make a New Year's resolution to ask him to the prom by March. If he's available, that's plenty of notice. If he's not, there's still time to ask someone else.
Woman's Past Prevents Man From Looking to the Future
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Tina," and I have been dating for six months. For the most part, things are pretty good. However, she has been more promiscuous in the past than I would like in a partner.
I understand people can change and that we should live in the present rather than dwell on the past. However, I can't forget Tina's past sex life, and at times I find myself consumed by it. I don't want this to affect our relationship, but it does. Can you offer some advice? -- RUMINATING IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR RUMINATING: Only this: If your girlfriend's past is always going to be an issue for you, it's only fair that you go your separate ways before you waste any more time with each other. No one can change the past, and Tina has the right to be with a man who does not dwell on hers.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address the concerns of "Soldier's Wife in Colorado." She's the woman who said her husband refused to accept a stateside job and "can't wait" to go into combat and leave behind her and their three young children.
Abby, I am a colonel in the U.S. Army with 25 years of service. I don't think her husband wishes to go into combat. I expect that he recognizes that it's his duty to go when called. He, like all others, has fears about going, but works to overcome them. He signed the contract and took the Oath of Enlistment, swearing to defend our nation. Our nation depends on us to go when ordered.
Most military families are suffering the same stresses that she is. She must be strong for her family's sake. They could benefit from some marriage counseling, too. I wish them well. -- COLONEL IN THE U.S. ARMY
DEAR COLONEL: I, too, wish them well. My heart grows heavy when I listen to the nightly news reports of military casualties. I can only imagine how the loved ones of deployed military members must feel. One effective coping mechanism is to band together for mutual support. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for making your readers aware of the fears and heartaches that soldiers and family members experience. Most soldiers want to make the country safe for their families and strive for peace.
Rapid mobilization, deployment, or even simple temporary duty doesn't have to create unnecessary hardship. There is strength in numbers. Please inform families of U.S. Army members about the Army Family Team Building (AFTB) at their local military installation or online at www.armyfamilyteambuilding.org.
There are many members to share with, and help for spouses and members of the military in dealing with the emotions they are experiencing. AFTB was created to help answer questions about the Army and military service, and to give support to families and other interested parties. -- CARING HEART IN MONMOUTH, N.J.
DEAR CARING HEART: Bless you for reaching out to help families facing the stress of separation. I hope my readers will avail themselves of the resource you have recommended.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day, and I disagree with the advice you gave the 13-year-old girl who signed herself "Angry Daughter/Sister in Kansas." You recommended she confront her mother for tolerating her husband's abusive ranting.
From years of professional experience, I predict that if the mother does leave her probably alcoholic husband, unless SHE gets treatment for herself and her co-dependence issues, she'll only pick another abusive addict she'll need to control. I have seen too many sequential relationships where the co-dependent spouse picked one addicted person after another -- each more abusive than the last.
That child needs her own support group. At 13, she can contact Alateen, where she will learn she is not responsible for "fixing" her parents. -- THERAPIST IN BELLEFONTE, PA.
DEAR THERAPIST: You have a point. Mea culpa. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Whoa! You advised a 13-year-old to basically "solve" the crisis in her alcoholic family system. Regardless of when or if the alcoholic gets treatment, the entire family needs help to avoid lifelong behaviors that are not healthy. School counselors, community agencies and national hotlines can steer that young girl to family recovery programs. She can certainly let her mother know that she is hurting, and that she is taking action to find help for herself. Her mother may not be ready for that step, but will probably be tacitly supportive.
As a retired school counselor and alcohol/drug prevention specialist, I ran groups for children of alcoholics. Young people are resilient. They can make healthy life decisions with little guidance. If she reaches out for help, it may cause positive changes at home. Even if it doesn't happen immediately, that girl will have established a lifeline. -- JUDY F., TROY, OHIO
DEAR JUDY F.: Let's hold a good thought. Helping herself should be the first step.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a similar situation with three children. A friend suggested I go to Al-Anon. There I learned that alcoholism is a family disease, and that all members are affected by living with an alcoholic.
When I got help, my children also got better, and my husband eventually went for help. He has been sober for 20 years, and we have a great relationship. We just celebrated 40 years of marriage and we still attend the 12-step programs. They saved our marriage. -- GRATEFUL AL-ANON MEMBER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR GRATEFUL: Congratulations on your anniversary. Readers, the phone number for Alateen and Al-Anon should be listed in your local telephone directory. If it's not, the toll-free number in the United States and Canada is (888) 4AL-ANON (425-2666).
DEAR ABBY: I have fallen for a close male friend. We have been friends for about three years, but only recently have I revealed my feelings for him. Abby, it was a disaster. He not only doesn't feel the same, but he said he never will. He assured me that our friendship is very important to him, however.
My friends tell me he is keeping me around "just in case," and that I can't be objective. Am I foolish to maintain the friendship, or do you think I should move on? -- SPURNED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SPURNED: He was being honest with you. That doesn't sound like a "user" to me. However, unrequited love is painful. Move on for now. It will give you time -- and space -- to heal. When you are less emotional about him, and less vulnerable, you can resume the friendship if you wish.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)