To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman's Past Prevents Man From Looking to the Future
DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, "Tina," and I have been dating for six months. For the most part, things are pretty good. However, she has been more promiscuous in the past than I would like in a partner.
I understand people can change and that we should live in the present rather than dwell on the past. However, I can't forget Tina's past sex life, and at times I find myself consumed by it. I don't want this to affect our relationship, but it does. Can you offer some advice? -- RUMINATING IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR RUMINATING: Only this: If your girlfriend's past is always going to be an issue for you, it's only fair that you go your separate ways before you waste any more time with each other. No one can change the past, and Tina has the right to be with a man who does not dwell on hers.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address the concerns of "Soldier's Wife in Colorado." She's the woman who said her husband refused to accept a stateside job and "can't wait" to go into combat and leave behind her and their three young children.
Abby, I am a colonel in the U.S. Army with 25 years of service. I don't think her husband wishes to go into combat. I expect that he recognizes that it's his duty to go when called. He, like all others, has fears about going, but works to overcome them. He signed the contract and took the Oath of Enlistment, swearing to defend our nation. Our nation depends on us to go when ordered.
Most military families are suffering the same stresses that she is. She must be strong for her family's sake. They could benefit from some marriage counseling, too. I wish them well. -- COLONEL IN THE U.S. ARMY
DEAR COLONEL: I, too, wish them well. My heart grows heavy when I listen to the nightly news reports of military casualties. I can only imagine how the loved ones of deployed military members must feel. One effective coping mechanism is to band together for mutual support. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for making your readers aware of the fears and heartaches that soldiers and family members experience. Most soldiers want to make the country safe for their families and strive for peace.
Rapid mobilization, deployment, or even simple temporary duty doesn't have to create unnecessary hardship. There is strength in numbers. Please inform families of U.S. Army members about the Army Family Team Building (AFTB) at their local military installation or online at www.armyfamilyteambuilding.org.
There are many members to share with, and help for spouses and members of the military in dealing with the emotions they are experiencing. AFTB was created to help answer questions about the Army and military service, and to give support to families and other interested parties. -- CARING HEART IN MONMOUTH, N.J.
DEAR CARING HEART: Bless you for reaching out to help families facing the stress of separation. I hope my readers will avail themselves of the resource you have recommended.
DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day, and I disagree with the advice you gave the 13-year-old girl who signed herself "Angry Daughter/Sister in Kansas." You recommended she confront her mother for tolerating her husband's abusive ranting.
From years of professional experience, I predict that if the mother does leave her probably alcoholic husband, unless SHE gets treatment for herself and her co-dependence issues, she'll only pick another abusive addict she'll need to control. I have seen too many sequential relationships where the co-dependent spouse picked one addicted person after another -- each more abusive than the last.
That child needs her own support group. At 13, she can contact Alateen, where she will learn she is not responsible for "fixing" her parents. -- THERAPIST IN BELLEFONTE, PA.
DEAR THERAPIST: You have a point. Mea culpa. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Whoa! You advised a 13-year-old to basically "solve" the crisis in her alcoholic family system. Regardless of when or if the alcoholic gets treatment, the entire family needs help to avoid lifelong behaviors that are not healthy. School counselors, community agencies and national hotlines can steer that young girl to family recovery programs. She can certainly let her mother know that she is hurting, and that she is taking action to find help for herself. Her mother may not be ready for that step, but will probably be tacitly supportive.
As a retired school counselor and alcohol/drug prevention specialist, I ran groups for children of alcoholics. Young people are resilient. They can make healthy life decisions with little guidance. If she reaches out for help, it may cause positive changes at home. Even if it doesn't happen immediately, that girl will have established a lifeline. -- JUDY F., TROY, OHIO
DEAR JUDY F.: Let's hold a good thought. Helping herself should be the first step.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a similar situation with three children. A friend suggested I go to Al-Anon. There I learned that alcoholism is a family disease, and that all members are affected by living with an alcoholic.
When I got help, my children also got better, and my husband eventually went for help. He has been sober for 20 years, and we have a great relationship. We just celebrated 40 years of marriage and we still attend the 12-step programs. They saved our marriage. -- GRATEFUL AL-ANON MEMBER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR GRATEFUL: Congratulations on your anniversary. Readers, the phone number for Alateen and Al-Anon should be listed in your local telephone directory. If it's not, the toll-free number in the United States and Canada is (888) 4AL-ANON (425-2666).
DEAR ABBY: I have fallen for a close male friend. We have been friends for about three years, but only recently have I revealed my feelings for him. Abby, it was a disaster. He not only doesn't feel the same, but he said he never will. He assured me that our friendship is very important to him, however.
My friends tell me he is keeping me around "just in case," and that I can't be objective. Am I foolish to maintain the friendship, or do you think I should move on? -- SPURNED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SPURNED: He was being honest with you. That doesn't sound like a "user" to me. However, unrequited love is painful. Move on for now. It will give you time -- and space -- to heal. When you are less emotional about him, and less vulnerable, you can resume the friendship if you wish.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SEXUALLY ACTIVE SISTER MUST BE TOLD TO FACE THE FACTS
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female college student who no longer lives at home. While visiting my family recently, I learned that my 17-year-old sister, "Jody," has been sleeping around during the past year. One of her friends let it slip. Jody doesn't know that I know. I am worried that she doesn't realize that her life is in jeopardy if she keeps this up.
Should I tell my parents? Or do you think I should try to talk to Jody instead? -- WORRIED SIS IN TAMPA
DEAR WORRIED: You and Jody are overdue for a sisterly chat. Telling your parents is guaranteed to cause a family crisis, and that would be counterproductive.
Your sister will be 18 in a year. She needs to fully understand that being sexually active requires responsible behavior. Sexually active women need to be under the care of a gynecologist. They also need to be knowledgeable about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and birth control. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Tammy," and her husband, "Barry," are separated. I am close to both of them and have tried my best to remain neutral. However, Barry keeps calling and asking me what Tammy says about him -- but says I shouldn't tell her he's asking. I feel stuck in the middle.
Barry went out with my boyfriend and me recently, and announced that he has always had a crush on me -- then he asked me if I would leave town with him. My boyfriend got furious. I tried to blame it on the fact that Barry was intoxicated, but the next morning he phoned and said he meant every word.
Should I tell Tammy and cause her more pain, or should I try to "forget" that Barry came on to me? -- JOAN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR JOAN: Tell Tammy that Barry is having a rough time with their separation, and quote chapter and verse. She is your best friend and she needs to know.
Barry is a mess right now. He needs emotional support, but you are not the person from whom he should get it. He needs a therapist. Be a friend and tell him so.
DEAR ABBY: Does a parent have the right to literally slap you in the face? I am in my 40s, and for the past year, when my mom doesn't agree with my opinion, she will slap me in the face.
My family is aware of what's happening, but others are afraid to step in for fear of what she'll do to them. Mom was a bully as a child, and because I am not an aggressive person, she has always intimidated me. When I try to stand up for myself, she laughs and humiliates me.
My mother's attacks are destroying me. I don't know how to handle them. I haven't confided in anyone because I am so ashamed.
Do I have the right to defend myself against my mother? -- TIRED OF BEING SLAPPED
DEAR TIRED: Yes, you do, but not physically. Not only is your mother violent, but she is also emotionally sadistic. Since this is new behavior, her doctor needs to be alerted so she can be evaluated. Professional counseling can help you gain the strength you need to end her emotional domination. It appears to be long overdue.
It's also important that your family not be subjected to more of this for fear they will think your mother's behavior is normal. You -- and they -- have a right to be respected.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)