Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day, and I disagree with the advice you gave the 13-year-old girl who signed herself "Angry Daughter/Sister in Kansas." You recommended she confront her mother for tolerating her husband's abusive ranting.
From years of professional experience, I predict that if the mother does leave her probably alcoholic husband, unless SHE gets treatment for herself and her co-dependence issues, she'll only pick another abusive addict she'll need to control. I have seen too many sequential relationships where the co-dependent spouse picked one addicted person after another -- each more abusive than the last.
That child needs her own support group. At 13, she can contact Alateen, where she will learn she is not responsible for "fixing" her parents. -- THERAPIST IN BELLEFONTE, PA.
DEAR THERAPIST: You have a point. Mea culpa. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Whoa! You advised a 13-year-old to basically "solve" the crisis in her alcoholic family system. Regardless of when or if the alcoholic gets treatment, the entire family needs help to avoid lifelong behaviors that are not healthy. School counselors, community agencies and national hotlines can steer that young girl to family recovery programs. She can certainly let her mother know that she is hurting, and that she is taking action to find help for herself. Her mother may not be ready for that step, but will probably be tacitly supportive.
As a retired school counselor and alcohol/drug prevention specialist, I ran groups for children of alcoholics. Young people are resilient. They can make healthy life decisions with little guidance. If she reaches out for help, it may cause positive changes at home. Even if it doesn't happen immediately, that girl will have established a lifeline. -- JUDY F., TROY, OHIO
DEAR JUDY F.: Let's hold a good thought. Helping herself should be the first step.
DEAR ABBY: I was in a similar situation with three children. A friend suggested I go to Al-Anon. There I learned that alcoholism is a family disease, and that all members are affected by living with an alcoholic.
When I got help, my children also got better, and my husband eventually went for help. He has been sober for 20 years, and we have a great relationship. We just celebrated 40 years of marriage and we still attend the 12-step programs. They saved our marriage. -- GRATEFUL AL-ANON MEMBER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR GRATEFUL: Congratulations on your anniversary. Readers, the phone number for Alateen and Al-Anon should be listed in your local telephone directory. If it's not, the toll-free number in the United States and Canada is (888) 4AL-ANON (425-2666).
DEAR ABBY: I have fallen for a close male friend. We have been friends for about three years, but only recently have I revealed my feelings for him. Abby, it was a disaster. He not only doesn't feel the same, but he said he never will. He assured me that our friendship is very important to him, however.
My friends tell me he is keeping me around "just in case," and that I can't be objective. Am I foolish to maintain the friendship, or do you think I should move on? -- SPURNED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SPURNED: He was being honest with you. That doesn't sound like a "user" to me. However, unrequited love is painful. Move on for now. It will give you time -- and space -- to heal. When you are less emotional about him, and less vulnerable, you can resume the friendship if you wish.
SEXUALLY ACTIVE SISTER MUST BE TOLD TO FACE THE FACTS
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old female college student who no longer lives at home. While visiting my family recently, I learned that my 17-year-old sister, "Jody," has been sleeping around during the past year. One of her friends let it slip. Jody doesn't know that I know. I am worried that she doesn't realize that her life is in jeopardy if she keeps this up.
Should I tell my parents? Or do you think I should try to talk to Jody instead? -- WORRIED SIS IN TAMPA
DEAR WORRIED: You and Jody are overdue for a sisterly chat. Telling your parents is guaranteed to cause a family crisis, and that would be counterproductive.
Your sister will be 18 in a year. She needs to fully understand that being sexually active requires responsible behavior. Sexually active women need to be under the care of a gynecologist. They also need to be knowledgeable about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and birth control. Please don't wait.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Tammy," and her husband, "Barry," are separated. I am close to both of them and have tried my best to remain neutral. However, Barry keeps calling and asking me what Tammy says about him -- but says I shouldn't tell her he's asking. I feel stuck in the middle.
Barry went out with my boyfriend and me recently, and announced that he has always had a crush on me -- then he asked me if I would leave town with him. My boyfriend got furious. I tried to blame it on the fact that Barry was intoxicated, but the next morning he phoned and said he meant every word.
Should I tell Tammy and cause her more pain, or should I try to "forget" that Barry came on to me? -- JOAN IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR JOAN: Tell Tammy that Barry is having a rough time with their separation, and quote chapter and verse. She is your best friend and she needs to know.
Barry is a mess right now. He needs emotional support, but you are not the person from whom he should get it. He needs a therapist. Be a friend and tell him so.
DEAR ABBY: Does a parent have the right to literally slap you in the face? I am in my 40s, and for the past year, when my mom doesn't agree with my opinion, she will slap me in the face.
My family is aware of what's happening, but others are afraid to step in for fear of what she'll do to them. Mom was a bully as a child, and because I am not an aggressive person, she has always intimidated me. When I try to stand up for myself, she laughs and humiliates me.
My mother's attacks are destroying me. I don't know how to handle them. I haven't confided in anyone because I am so ashamed.
Do I have the right to defend myself against my mother? -- TIRED OF BEING SLAPPED
DEAR TIRED: Yes, you do, but not physically. Not only is your mother violent, but she is also emotionally sadistic. Since this is new behavior, her doctor needs to be alerted so she can be evaluated. Professional counseling can help you gain the strength you need to end her emotional domination. It appears to be long overdue.
It's also important that your family not be subjected to more of this for fear they will think your mother's behavior is normal. You -- and they -- have a right to be respected.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Ready to Back Away From Man Desperate for Love
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Erik" for about three months. On our second date he told me he loved me. I told him he was moving too fast, so he modified it by saying he loved "things" about me -- my personality, sense of humor, etc.
Two weeks ago, Erik told me that he is now totally "in love" with me. I politely tried to discourage him. He went on to say that he's been "dumped" by several women in the past -- and began to cry. He's a very emotional person.
Erik and I work different shifts and keep in touch during the day by e-mail. I try to lift his spirits by writing that I hope he is having a good day, etc. In return, he writes me lengthy letters telling me that he is "desperately lonely," but that he's a "fighter" and a "survivor," and he will try to "make it through the day." He has even hinted that if our relationship doesn't work out, he doesn't think he can go on living.
I have repeatedly told Erik that I prefer "light conversation," but he goes on and on about his "quest for love" and how it hurts that my work schedule doesn't fit his. The few times I've had lunch with him he's made me late in returning to work. I'm beginning to think Erik is selfish, desperate and too needy.
Abby, it has reached the point where I no longer derive pleasure from being around him. But I have an enormous cloud of guilt hanging over my head about ending it. Please help. -- FREAKED OUT
DEAR FREAKED OUT: You have an "enormous cloud of guilt" because Erik has carefully and consistently enveloped you in it. You have been honest from the beginning. In your letter, you have described a person who is his own worst enemy. You are not responsible for Erik's welfare if his romances don't bear fruit.
Please don't hesitate any longer. It's time to tell him that you want to date other people. Undoubtedly, Erik is more resilient than you think.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I married after a whirlwind romance three years ago. We had a beautiful wedding with more than 300 guests, most of whom were his family and friends. We received wonderful wishes and gifts. We had planned to write our thank-you notes together and had some personal cards printed. I wrote and sent about one-third of them (after growing tired of waiting for my husband). After a while, I finally stopped nagging and the rest remain unwritten and unsent.
We are both embarrassed by our procrastination. A big part of the delay has been wanting to say "just the right thing" so our guests will know how much their presence and gifts meant to us. Ironically, our "perfectionism" has likely left many of them feeling we are thoughtless.
We remain happily married, despite this point of contention, and would still very much like to write our thank-yous. Any suggestions on what to say after this long? -- EMBARRASSED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR EMBARRASSED: Start this way: "John and I want you to know that we are now fully recovered from our writer's block and also want you to know how much your beautiful gift means to us. Thank you for the (identify the gift specifically) and for your thoughtfulness in choosing it for us." Now get moving!
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)