To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Girl at Head of the Class Feels Socially Left Behind
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and people say I'm cute. I have many girlfriends and a 4.0 GPA. I excel in sports and had the lead in the spring musical. So why do all my friends have boys coming up to them to talk -- and I don't? Every time I talk to boys, they act like they can't wait to get away from me. When I say, "Hi," they don't answer.
I've asked my best friends about this. They say I am "too smart," and it makes boys feel uncomfortable. I love school, and I confess I like doing my research projects on the night they are assigned, even though we're given two weeks to complete them.
At a slumber party a few nights ago, we played a game where we all predicted where we would be in 20 years. My friends told me I wouldn't be married. I would be a rocket scientist instead.
Should I concentrate less on school assignments and work on my social skills with boys? -- A GIRL WITH ONLY GIRLFRIENDS
DEAR GIRL: Absolutely not. You are the girl who has everything -- looks, brains, talent and coordination. The boys in your age group are behind you in their social development. Please be patient. Do not "dumb down" for anyone. In a year or two, those boys will not only catch up to you, but they'll be beating down your door -- and that will open up a whole new set of "problems." Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: I will be 79 in a few weeks and recently received notice of my 60th high school reunion. I was an outstanding beauty when I was 18, but now I have thinning hair and gravity has taken its toll on me.
I grew up in a small town outside of Boston and was one of a class of 160 students. I was extremely promiscuous back then. I slept with more than two-thirds of the boys in my class -- and everyone knew it.
My problem is, my wonderful "steady man" insists that we go to the reunion. He has been my generous provider for many years and I don't want to argue. I hate seeing my classmates with my "old face," and hope nobody will make unkind comments about my past.
What should I do? -- FORMER BELLE OF THE BALL
DEAR FORMER BELLE: Put on a happy face and attend the reunion. Time waits for no man -- or woman -- and that includes your former classmates. Please don't be self-conscious about your appearance or your past. After 60 years, everyone will probably be more than willing to let bygones be bygones.
DEAR ABBY: "Not a Princess in Pasadena" asked what to do for her friend who isn't as financially well off as she is. You missed a great opportunity to recommend volunteering.
The girls could become candy stripers in a hospital, read to the elderly at a nursing home, run errands for shut-ins -- all sorts of things. Assuming they do a good job, they will get good references for jobs or higher education. Those teens should contact the nearest hospital, nursing home, social service agency or church, and inquire about what volunteer programs are available for teen-agers. If there aren't any, they might consider organizing a few friends and creating one.
They would really enjoy it, and it wouldn't cost either of them a penny. My two kids did exactly that and loved it! -- NANCY HABLUTZEL, PH.D., J.D., CHICAGO
DEAR NANCY: What a terrific suggestion. There is always a need to be filled if people look for it. Even a few hours a week can make a big difference in someone's life.
Single Dad Has Big Plans to Improve His Son's Life
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old single father of a beautiful 13-month-old little boy. His mother took off with my best friend when our son was only 2 months old. I have a good job, my own place and don't depend on anyone, but I wish I could go back to school so I could provide my son with an even greater future.
I would like to get my high school diploma, go on to college, and become a police officer and mentor young fathers like myself. I don't have any support from my parents as far as my education goes. My mom says to be happy with what I have and stop being selfish.
Is it selfish to want more out of life? Right now I am just living paycheck to paycheck. -- SINGLE FATHER IN HOUSTON
DEAR SINGLE FATHER: Selfish? Quite the opposite! While I agree with your mother that a person should be happy with what he or she can't change, I don't think that philosophy applies when it comes to furthering one's education.
Pick up the phone, call the high schools in your area, and ask about adult education programs so you can get your GED -- the equivalent of a high school diploma. With that in hand, you will qualify for entry into a community college. There is no reason why, in time, you cannot fulfill your dream. Others have done it; go for it! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
DEAR ABBY: I am a wife and mother of two boys. Last year I left my job of six years to start my own business. Unfortunately, my business has not generated the income my family and I need. I am now looking for work, along with thousands of other people.
My problem is, I have a criminal record that stems from two small but painful incidents when I was 18. My husband knows about my record, but no one else does.
When going on job interviews, I have been honest and up-front about my past, but it seems I'm put on the "ignore list" once the interviewer hears about my record. They can't see the years that have passed without so much as a traffic ticket; how I solved my problem through therapy; the stable environment my husband and I provide for our boys; nor the years of hard work I devoted to my previous job and current business.
How can I find someone who will hire me while my growing business takes off? Should I lie about my record? I know it's hard to trust a stranger, but I'm a hard worker, an honest and faithful employee -- and I am desperate. -- LOST IN TEXAS
DEAR LOST: You should not lie. However, it would be helpful if you can provide letters of recommendation from previous employers, your clergyperson, and respected people in your community who will vouch for your honesty and the success of your rehabilitation.
DEAR ABBY: For my birthday, I was given a gift certificate for a day of beauty services at a high-priced spa.
Am I supposed to tip each person who works on me that day, or has that been included in the price of the gift certificate? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN MINNESOTA
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: What a generous gift! Tips are not included in the cost of a gift certificate. Therefore, each person who renders service should be tipped 15 percent -- or more if the service is exceptional. (Ask to see a price schedule when you go in, so you know the value of each service.)
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Worries That Grandma Is Not Grieving as She Should
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather died nine months ago. He and my grandmother were married for more than 40 years, but they were not happy for the last four or five. A couple of weeks ago an old family friend called my grandmother. She's known him since she was a teenager.
Out of the blue, my grandmother invited this man to visit over the weekend. He stayed in a hotel and she claims nothing romantic happened. But she took him to some of my grandfather's favorite places -- places we all went together as a family. This is so out of character for her. When she asked how I felt, I lied and said I was OK with it.
Now my conversations with my grandmother are strained. Should I tell her how I really feel and risk her ending something that is making her happy? -- WORRIED 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL
DEAR WORRIED: I understand your feelings, but my advice to you is to keep your negative feelings to yourself. Although you still perceive your grandmother to be part of a happy couple, your grandfather is gone and the marriage was not a happy one for a long time. Your grandmother has had a lot of time to grieve. Try to be happy for her and wish her well. If you cannot do that, grief counseling for you would be helpful.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived with my boyfriend, "Earl," for eight years. During that time I have moved out twice. We are not kids -- I am 47; he's 62.
Earl owns a bar and admits he is an alcoholic. He drinks every day and never gets mean, but in his drunken state he's apt to do stupid things. Earl thinks he "controls" his drinking by not imbibing at home or during the day -- only at night when he drinks with his customers.
One time Earl came home at 5:00 a.m. and told me he'd been with friends, but later that day I discovered some semi-nude Polaroid pictures of him and a faceless female. I moved out that same day.
Earl and I stayed apart for several months, but we missed each other, so I moved back. Another problem is we haven't had sex in seven years. We sleep together, but our physical contact has diminished to a quick goodnight kiss. When I mention the subject, Earl says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he's at home alone, all he does is watch porno videos. I should add that I am attractive and other men find me desirable.
You must be wondering why I stay with Earl. Well, it's comfortable. He never gets mad, and for the first time in my life, I don't have to struggle financially. I know I could make it on my own, but it's easier this way. However, I don't like the feeling I've "sold out."
In my heart I know he's going to die. I fear the drinking will kill him one of these days. Earl hasn't been to a doctor since his discharge from the service in 1962. Please tell me what to do. I'm not happy with him, but I'm not happy alone, either. -- LOVELESS IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR LOVELESS: Not only are you loveless, but you also appear to be depressed, listless and have low self-esteem. It seems you are sleepwalking through life. There is far more to life than having a place to live and a roommate who "isn't mean." Please try counseling with the goal of learning why you deserve more from a relationship than you're getting from this one.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)