For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Single Dad Has Big Plans to Improve His Son's Life
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old single father of a beautiful 13-month-old little boy. His mother took off with my best friend when our son was only 2 months old. I have a good job, my own place and don't depend on anyone, but I wish I could go back to school so I could provide my son with an even greater future.
I would like to get my high school diploma, go on to college, and become a police officer and mentor young fathers like myself. I don't have any support from my parents as far as my education goes. My mom says to be happy with what I have and stop being selfish.
Is it selfish to want more out of life? Right now I am just living paycheck to paycheck. -- SINGLE FATHER IN HOUSTON
DEAR SINGLE FATHER: Selfish? Quite the opposite! While I agree with your mother that a person should be happy with what he or she can't change, I don't think that philosophy applies when it comes to furthering one's education.
Pick up the phone, call the high schools in your area, and ask about adult education programs so you can get your GED -- the equivalent of a high school diploma. With that in hand, you will qualify for entry into a community college. There is no reason why, in time, you cannot fulfill your dream. Others have done it; go for it! You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
DEAR ABBY: I am a wife and mother of two boys. Last year I left my job of six years to start my own business. Unfortunately, my business has not generated the income my family and I need. I am now looking for work, along with thousands of other people.
My problem is, I have a criminal record that stems from two small but painful incidents when I was 18. My husband knows about my record, but no one else does.
When going on job interviews, I have been honest and up-front about my past, but it seems I'm put on the "ignore list" once the interviewer hears about my record. They can't see the years that have passed without so much as a traffic ticket; how I solved my problem through therapy; the stable environment my husband and I provide for our boys; nor the years of hard work I devoted to my previous job and current business.
How can I find someone who will hire me while my growing business takes off? Should I lie about my record? I know it's hard to trust a stranger, but I'm a hard worker, an honest and faithful employee -- and I am desperate. -- LOST IN TEXAS
DEAR LOST: You should not lie. However, it would be helpful if you can provide letters of recommendation from previous employers, your clergyperson, and respected people in your community who will vouch for your honesty and the success of your rehabilitation.
DEAR ABBY: For my birthday, I was given a gift certificate for a day of beauty services at a high-priced spa.
Am I supposed to tip each person who works on me that day, or has that been included in the price of the gift certificate? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN MINNESOTA
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: What a generous gift! Tips are not included in the cost of a gift certificate. Therefore, each person who renders service should be tipped 15 percent -- or more if the service is exceptional. (Ask to see a price schedule when you go in, so you know the value of each service.)
Teen Worries That Grandma Is Not Grieving as She Should
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather died nine months ago. He and my grandmother were married for more than 40 years, but they were not happy for the last four or five. A couple of weeks ago an old family friend called my grandmother. She's known him since she was a teenager.
Out of the blue, my grandmother invited this man to visit over the weekend. He stayed in a hotel and she claims nothing romantic happened. But she took him to some of my grandfather's favorite places -- places we all went together as a family. This is so out of character for her. When she asked how I felt, I lied and said I was OK with it.
Now my conversations with my grandmother are strained. Should I tell her how I really feel and risk her ending something that is making her happy? -- WORRIED 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL
DEAR WORRIED: I understand your feelings, but my advice to you is to keep your negative feelings to yourself. Although you still perceive your grandmother to be part of a happy couple, your grandfather is gone and the marriage was not a happy one for a long time. Your grandmother has had a lot of time to grieve. Try to be happy for her and wish her well. If you cannot do that, grief counseling for you would be helpful.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived with my boyfriend, "Earl," for eight years. During that time I have moved out twice. We are not kids -- I am 47; he's 62.
Earl owns a bar and admits he is an alcoholic. He drinks every day and never gets mean, but in his drunken state he's apt to do stupid things. Earl thinks he "controls" his drinking by not imbibing at home or during the day -- only at night when he drinks with his customers.
One time Earl came home at 5:00 a.m. and told me he'd been with friends, but later that day I discovered some semi-nude Polaroid pictures of him and a faceless female. I moved out that same day.
Earl and I stayed apart for several months, but we missed each other, so I moved back. Another problem is we haven't had sex in seven years. We sleep together, but our physical contact has diminished to a quick goodnight kiss. When I mention the subject, Earl says he doesn't want to talk about it. When he's at home alone, all he does is watch porno videos. I should add that I am attractive and other men find me desirable.
You must be wondering why I stay with Earl. Well, it's comfortable. He never gets mad, and for the first time in my life, I don't have to struggle financially. I know I could make it on my own, but it's easier this way. However, I don't like the feeling I've "sold out."
In my heart I know he's going to die. I fear the drinking will kill him one of these days. Earl hasn't been to a doctor since his discharge from the service in 1962. Please tell me what to do. I'm not happy with him, but I'm not happy alone, either. -- LOVELESS IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR LOVELESS: Not only are you loveless, but you also appear to be depressed, listless and have low self-esteem. It seems you are sleepwalking through life. There is far more to life than having a place to live and a roommate who "isn't mean." Please try counseling with the goal of learning why you deserve more from a relationship than you're getting from this one.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl. My parents have been divorced for many years. Just before starting high school, I moved in with my father and my older brother an hour away, because I was not getting along with Mom's new husband.
It didn't take long to realize how bad my father's drinking had become since the divorce. He had a gun and shot holes in the walls, took a shot at my brother's car, and cursed my brother and me almost daily.
Just weeks after I moved in, my brother went off to college, leaving me alone with Dad. Two days ago, I was driving him somewhere, and he got mad and yanked the keys out of the ignition while we were going down the highway at 65 miles an hour. The steering wheel and brakes locked and we almost crashed.
I was so upset that I yelled obscenities at him before retrieving the keys to drive back home. Once we were on our way, Dad began throwing things at me -- then he hit me. He yelled, "Go live with your mother!" When we got home, he called her and she came right away to pick me up.
Now I'm back with Mom and my stepfather, and she wants me to stay. I am torn. As disgusted as I am with my father, I am heartbroken at the thought of moving away from all the new friends I made there. They provided the only stability in my life and kept me going. I feel lost at the prospect of once again starting a new school with strangers. And I miss my dad's black Lab, whom I have grown to love. Dad would never let me take him. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- SOUR AT 16
DEAR SOUR AT 16: As much as you love your father's dog, you were living in an abusive and potentially fatal situation when you were with your dad. For your own safety, you must remain with your mother.
You do not have to lose touch with your new friends. You can remain in contact with them via phone and e-mail. And since you miss having a canine companion to love, ask your mother and stepfather if you can have a family dog. Pets can be a bonding experience.
DEAR ABBY: I became engaged a week ago to "Max," who happens to be a millionaire. I come from an average working-class background and have worked since I was 18. I am now 49. Max is a wonderful and loving man. We live in a beautiful home with a housekeeper and gardener. Max wants me to be a stay-at-home spouse and take care of our social and travel arrangements, etc.
Most of my friends are envious, and yes, it IS wonderful not having to work. However, I feel like I have become a kept woman. This is all so new to me. I have been independent most of my life and I am having difficulty adjusting to this new lifestyle. I feel scared that my life is in someone else's hands, not my own.
What can I do to maintain a sense of independence and still feel that my new "wifely duties" are important -- and that I will be valued as an equal partner with my husband? -- MARRYING A MILLIONAIRE
DEAR M.A.M.: Feeling nervous about losing your independence is understandable. Lifestyle change, even if it is positive, can be stressful.
Since your husband would prefer that you not work, please consider becoming a part-time volunteer instead. That way you can still contribute, but you will be freer to accompany your husband on trips. Volunteerism is a richly rewarding experience and can lead to new contacts in your community. However, you would be wise to discuss this before your marriage so there are no surprises for you or your fiance once the knot is tied.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)