For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am 10 years old and live with my mom, my sister and brother in Texas. My grandparents and my aunt live nearby, and they come over a lot. They are always telling me how important it is to visit my dad and his family in Chicago and to have a good relationship with them.
Abby, I spend six weeks with my dad every summer -- and I don't want to go there any more. Dad never keeps his promises to me, and he is always threatening me with "the belt." I am afraid of him. My Chicago grandparents tell me they love me more than my Texas grandparents, but they don't call me very often, and I hate that they say bad things about my mom.
How can I get out of visiting my dad next summer? -- SICK OF VISITING MY DAD
DEAR SICK OF VISITING: If you haven't already done so, tell your mother how you feel and why. Your mother should speak to your father and explain that his form of discipline is not only not working, but it's driving you away and is emotionally abusive. She should also speak to the lawyer who represented her in the divorce about the visitation arrangement. Perhaps your visit should be supervised. Please show your mother this letter.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old college senior. My live-in fiance, "Ray," is 31 and divorced. We have an infant son together. His three children, all under 12, are with us every other weekend.
When I entered this relationship, I had no concept of the tremendous responsibilities I would be taking on. Besides a full-time class schedule, I take care of our baby, cook every meal and clean the house. I also look after Ray's kids when they're here.
Because of our age difference, I sometimes feel that my values and goals conflict with Ray's. I want to focus on my career, but Ray feels my household duties should come first. I do not want to be the only one shouldering the burden. I want to have a professional life after I graduate. Ray does not make me feel appreciated, and I need advice about what to do about it. -- OVERLOADED AND UNDERVALUED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR OVER/UNDER: You and Ray appear to have different priorities. You want a career; he wants a housekeeper and baby sitter for his children. Ideally, your fiance should be helping you to achieve your goals. If you cannot fully express your feelings to him and arrive at a compromise, it may be time to re-evaluate your feelings about this entire relationship before it goes any further.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are discussing divorce after only eight months of marriage. Neither of us is happy, and I guess we weren't as ready as we thought we were. I feel terrible about the $20,000 my parents spent on our wedding, not to mention all the beautiful and expensive gifts we received from family and friends.
Should we pay my parents back the money? What should we do about the gifts? Please help us do the right thing. -- NOT HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN TEXAS
DEAR NOT HAPPILY: I commend you for wanting to do the right thing. Any gifts that have not been used should be offered to the people who gave them. Cash gifts that have not been spent should be returned. Offer to repay your parents for the wedding expenses, but it should not be necessary. The wedding was their gift to you.
Obituary Will Be Accurate if You Write It Yourself
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the man who wondered if it was all right to write his own obituary. As an editor who has written obituaries for several community newspapers for more than 20 years, I can say that obituaries are causing more and more headaches in newsrooms. They are a potential can of worms.
Not long ago, a man in our small town died. His young widow brought in his obituary, naming herself and their children as his survivors. After confirming with the funeral home that the man had indeed died, we printed the obituary as she presented it.
Within hours, a woman came storming into the office. It was the deceased's former wife. She still lived in our town, and she was furious that her children -- who had been fathered by her former husband -- were not mentioned in the obituary written by the second wife.
Editors everywhere will bless you, Abby, if you remind the public of this: If you want to have control over what's printed in the newspaper, you have to buy an ad. I think the more control a person has over his or her obituary, the better. -- MS. M. IN NORTHERN CALIF.
DEAR MS. M: I concur. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In 1982, at the age of 53, I not only wrote my own obituary, but also had it published in the local newspaper. I did it because I wanted people to remember what I wanted them to remember about me, rather than leaving that decision to someone else.
That same year, I also prepared my memorial service, which I have updated several times. I plan to hold it during my 80th year -- I am now 73 -- and I plan to attend. I am inviting my enemies, for whom I will include Gene Watson's song, "Farewell Party," which includes the line, "I know you'll be glad when I've gone."
I am a published author, and at present I have originated more than 400 sayings. No, I won't read all of them at my memorial.
Following my actual death, I have requested that my ashes be scattered over Olivia Newton's ranch. For 30 years, I have attempted to have my picture taken with her, but so far, I have failed. It's good to have a goal. -- WAYNE K., PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR WAYNE: I agree that it's good to have a goal, but you shouldn't have to make an "ash" of yourself in order to achieve it. Assuming that Ms. Newton-John knows nothing about your goal, clip this column and send it to her fan club. Maybe she'll "honestly love it."
DEAR ABBY: I wrote both my and my husband's obituaries a long time ago. I did it because my last job was dealing with death certificates, and I know from experience that when a death occurs and emotions run high, important information can inadvertently be omitted.
I have even filled out blank death certificates with all the necessary information except, of course, the date of death and cause. Our funerals have also been pre-arranged and paid for.
In case you haven't guessed, I was a Girl Scout when I was a kid -- and I guess I took to heart their motto, "Be Prepared." -- WE DO HAVE THE LAST WORD, SPRINGFIELD, OHIO
DEAR "WE DO": And bless you for it. You have taken all of the guesswork out of a wrenching task that otherwise your survivors would have faced. I'm sure they will thank you for it in their prayers when the time comes.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Office Party Gossip Inspires Worker to Sleuth for the Truth
DEAR ABBY: My boss hosts occasional after-hours get-togethers with both married and single co-workers. I am married, and a recent conversation with one of the single women bothered me.
"Yvette" told us that she has been in contact with an old lover, "Luke." She said that while they were together, he'd had a girlfriend, but would see her "on the side." Yvette said she hadn't talked to him for more than seven years. She wasn't sure whether or not she should start seeing him again, since he had always been a "skirt chaser."
We left that evening knowing more about Luke than we cared to -- his last name, where he works and other details. The next day, I called his office under the guise of being a friend of Luke's. I said I needed the information to invite him "and his wife" to a party. The receptionist gave me his wife's name and their address.
I checked the phone book. Sure enough, they're listed. I'm not sure Yvette knows Luke's married. Should I tell her? -- WONDERING IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR WONDERING: Mind your own business. Yvette's "affairs" are not your own.
P.S. Your letter illustrates why after-hours office gatherings can be a legal liability for businesses. After the drinking starts, tongues loosen and propriety is usually the first casualty.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jasper," and I have been married for a little more than a year. He was diagnosed with cancer a few months before our wedding, and I spent our honeymoon sitting by his side while he was recovering from surgery and chemotherapy. Thankfully, he is in remission, and we are expecting our first child.
Jasper recently brought home a large dog with long hair. He knows I have suffered from allergies my whole life. My in-laws tell me I don't "seem" to be so allergic, and after the baby is born I should just medicate myself for the rest of my life. My in-laws also think I should be the one to care for the dog because Jasper "works all day." (I also have a full-time job.)
I feel like I am being made out to be the "unreasonable dog hater," and it's stressing -- and sneezing -- me out. What should I do? -- RED EYES IN SKOKIE, ILL.
DEAR RED EYES: Stand your ground. After all your support during his health crisis, your husband is showing a surprising lack of concern for your own health and feelings. Do not hesitate to tell him what's on your mind. Inform him that he has one week to find that dog a new home, or HE will be sleeping in the doghouse.
DEAR READERS: I am pleased to announce that the author of the poem "Ode to Myopia," which appeared in my column last December, has been located. Its correct title is "Mirror" and the author is Cary Fellman.
MIRROR
by Cary Fellman
My face in the mirror
isn't wrinkled or drawn.
My house isn't dirty,
the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely
and so does my lawn.
I think I will not
put my glasses back on.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)