For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FREELOADING SONS MUST BEGIN TO SHOULDER THEIR OWN WEIGHT
DEAR ABBY: My husband left me two years ago. Since that time I have struggled financially with no help from him. I earn only half of what I need to pay my bills each month. Several times this past year I was sick and missed work with no compensation -- so you can imagine the poverty level at which I live. My three children still live with me. They are 17, 19 and 22.
The problem is, my two oldest boys have full-time jobs, yet they refuse to help out financially. I ask only that they contribute $50 a week. I know I am doing them a disservice by allowing them to freeload, because they're not learning to take responsibility. However, I cannot handle the ultimatum of "pay up or get out."
Should my kids choose to leave, I would be sick with worry. I am worried now, too, but not nearly as worried as I'd be if they were to walk out of my life, as my oldest son did when I gave him that ultimatum a year ago. He has only recently started talking to me again, but our relationship is strained. He blames me for the hardship he experienced when he went out on his own.
Is there another way to make my children contribute to our household without taking drastic measures? Please help, Abby. I am too tired to get an additional part-time job in order to keep our heads above water. -- AT A LOSS IN RIVERHEAD, N.Y.
DEAR AT A LOSS: Please do not tolerate this situation any longer. You're doing no one a favor -- including yourself.
Your boys have a lot of growing up to do. Your request for $50 a week from the older boys is not excessive. They are young men now and should want to ease the burden you're carrying to give them a home.
Call a family meeting. Explain your financial situation in no uncertain terms. Then decide -- as a family -- what steps can be taken.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 32 years. I love my husband dearly, but last year I had a cancerous breast removed. I am doing well so far. The problem is my husband has not touched me since the surgery.
In the meantime, I ran into an old friend with whom I was very much in love when I was 17. He is also married. We see each other as often as possible -- which isn't very often because his job takes him all over the country. I am not sure he would give up his present life, nor am I sure I would give up mine, but my husband is pushing me out the door.
I can't seem to get my high school sweetheart off my mind. He treats me so much better than my husband, who has a bad temper, has hurt me more than once and obviously can't stand to look at me. At my age, should I grab what little joy I have left, or forget it? -- HURTING IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR HURTING: Before making any decisions that could affect the rest of your life, please pick up the phone and call the American Cancer Society. It sponsors support groups nationwide for survivors of cancer and their spouses. To find one in your community, call the toll-free number: (800) 227-2345. It is imperative that you and your husband start communicating again. As things stand, you are flirting with disaster -- and the one who could be seriously harmed is you.
ABUSIVE HUSBAND LOOKS INSIDE AFTER HIS FAMILY LEAVES HIM
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Texas Tina," whose husband drives like a maniac with her in the car when he's angry. As I read her letter, I saw myself a few years ago.
I agree that "Stan" must make his own anger-management appointment. I would like to go further and tell Tina that until her husband is willing to examine his own behavior and make changes, nothing will change.
I went on Zoloft for a while, but chose not to take drugs to fix a problem that was behavioral, not chemical. I went to counseling, said I was sorry, and promised to change.
However, not until my wife left me, not until she took my kids away, not until I was given a citation for telephone harassment and had to show up in court, did I change. I was lucky. As a first-time domestic violence offender, I was allowed to go through a program that gave me a lot of insight.
I'm sure that with a little searching, a similar program could be found in Tina's area. I WOULD STRESS THAT HER HUSBAND MUST BE THE ONE TO DO THIS. If he refuses -- if he "doesn't get around to it" -- then Tina needs to make a choice. This is a warning sign. Things may get worse, and Tina may wind up seriously injured.
Abby, I now acknowledge who and what I once was. To deny it would be to repeat it. I live every day of my life in fear that I will return to the place where I once was. It is that fear that helps me to keep a check on myself. I was given many useful tools to help me on my path, but the best thing I received out of all of this was enlightenment. -- KEVIN IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR KEVIN: You are a lucky man. You seem to possess the prerequisites necessary to change abusive behavior: remorse, willingness to assume responsibility, motivation to change and insight. These traits, however, are rarely found in abusive men. Most go into treatment not because they want to, but because they are forced into it, or are attempting to manipulate their intimates back into the relationship -- or to avoid incarceration.
I commend you for not blaming your behavior on something other than yourself. Living "in fear that you may one day return to the place you once were," however, suggests that you should remain in a maintenance counseling program that can keep you on your positive track. If not, you could very well return to your abusive behavior.
Victims must realize that the obsessive need that most batterers have to control their partners usually escalates, is seldom satisfied, and can be fatal to entire families. The Domestic Violence Hotline ((800) 799-7233) can help them establish a safety plan and support system that could very well save their lives, particularly when they are exiting such a relationship.
DEAR ABBY: What should you do when a friend or co-worker has a miscarriage? Someone suggested we send flowers and a card to our co-worker. I am afraid that flowers would be inappropriate. Is just a card enough to send? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN OHIO
DEAR WANTS: It is very important to acknowledge the loss. A card and flowers would be appropriate. So would a simple card or a note of sympathy and support "during this sad time." Your message need not be long and flowery, just a communication to let her know that she and her family are in your thoughts and prayers.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Watchful Dad Keeps Daughter Under Virtual House Arrest
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Becky," is a sophomore in high school. She's an honor roll student, well-mannered and a good girl. My problem is her father. He's too strict with her.
Becky has always been open and honest with me. This year she's discovered boys, and I know that's the reason her dad is being so overprotective. He rarely allows our daughter to talk on the phone, and when she does, it must be in our presence. He won't let her go anywhere without us. She's not allowed to go to supervised parties or attend any group activity other than cheerleading practice. My poor daughter has no social life.
Becky's lifelong friends no longer call her to invite her to go places with them, because they know her dad won't allow it. They've stopped coming over because they know that the limit of their activity is going to be sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband and me.
I think Becky deserves some privacy and a social life that does not include us. After she told us a 17-year-old senior boy had a crush on her, my husband refused to allow her to go to the movies with him and his parents. My husband won't even let the boy ride to the store with us. How can I get him to ease up, Abby? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS
DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Start by telling your husband that you love him and know he is trying to be a protective parent, but he has gone off the deep end. In the name of love, he is crippling his daughter -- and if it continues, she will eventually withdraw from both of you.
By preventing Becky from having normal social relationships that are appropriate for a girl her age, her father is preventing her from learning to make wise decisions and develop healthy relationships.
If your husband is not willing to listen to you, please schedule some sessions for the two of you with a psychotherapist who can explain it to him.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Felt Up in Philly," who attended a friend's wedding and was hit on by the groom who now refuses to stop e-mailing her, I thought I'd share my experience. (By the way, your advice to forward his e-mails to his wife was on target.)
A few years ago, a friend of mine was engaged. Her fiance called me one night "just to talk." During the conversation he said he had feelings for me. Mind you, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in their wedding and had met him only once.
I told him he was crazy and the feeling was NOT mutual. Then I said if he didn't tell my friend, I would. Time went on; he never told her. One day, my friend called me to talk about the wedding plans, and I told her I couldn't be in her wedding. When she asked why, I told her what her fiance had told me (at the risk of possibly losing a good friend). She said she'd call me back but she never did.
That was almost three years ago. About a month ago, she called me out of the blue. She had broken off the engagement shortly after our last conversation, and we've become good friends again.
It's unfortunate that "Felt Up's" experience happened at the wedding, but I hope she follows your advice. Her friend needs to know what kind of person she married. -- JACKIE IN COLUMBIA, MD.
DEAR JACKIE: I agree. Unless a cheater comes to terms with his (or her) behavior and sincerely wants to change, it will happen again and again.
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