To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
ABUSIVE HUSBAND LOOKS INSIDE AFTER HIS FAMILY LEAVES HIM
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Texas Tina," whose husband drives like a maniac with her in the car when he's angry. As I read her letter, I saw myself a few years ago.
I agree that "Stan" must make his own anger-management appointment. I would like to go further and tell Tina that until her husband is willing to examine his own behavior and make changes, nothing will change.
I went on Zoloft for a while, but chose not to take drugs to fix a problem that was behavioral, not chemical. I went to counseling, said I was sorry, and promised to change.
However, not until my wife left me, not until she took my kids away, not until I was given a citation for telephone harassment and had to show up in court, did I change. I was lucky. As a first-time domestic violence offender, I was allowed to go through a program that gave me a lot of insight.
I'm sure that with a little searching, a similar program could be found in Tina's area. I WOULD STRESS THAT HER HUSBAND MUST BE THE ONE TO DO THIS. If he refuses -- if he "doesn't get around to it" -- then Tina needs to make a choice. This is a warning sign. Things may get worse, and Tina may wind up seriously injured.
Abby, I now acknowledge who and what I once was. To deny it would be to repeat it. I live every day of my life in fear that I will return to the place where I once was. It is that fear that helps me to keep a check on myself. I was given many useful tools to help me on my path, but the best thing I received out of all of this was enlightenment. -- KEVIN IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR KEVIN: You are a lucky man. You seem to possess the prerequisites necessary to change abusive behavior: remorse, willingness to assume responsibility, motivation to change and insight. These traits, however, are rarely found in abusive men. Most go into treatment not because they want to, but because they are forced into it, or are attempting to manipulate their intimates back into the relationship -- or to avoid incarceration.
I commend you for not blaming your behavior on something other than yourself. Living "in fear that you may one day return to the place you once were," however, suggests that you should remain in a maintenance counseling program that can keep you on your positive track. If not, you could very well return to your abusive behavior.
Victims must realize that the obsessive need that most batterers have to control their partners usually escalates, is seldom satisfied, and can be fatal to entire families. The Domestic Violence Hotline ((800) 799-7233) can help them establish a safety plan and support system that could very well save their lives, particularly when they are exiting such a relationship.
DEAR ABBY: What should you do when a friend or co-worker has a miscarriage? Someone suggested we send flowers and a card to our co-worker. I am afraid that flowers would be inappropriate. Is just a card enough to send? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN OHIO
DEAR WANTS: It is very important to acknowledge the loss. A card and flowers would be appropriate. So would a simple card or a note of sympathy and support "during this sad time." Your message need not be long and flowery, just a communication to let her know that she and her family are in your thoughts and prayers.
Watchful Dad Keeps Daughter Under Virtual House Arrest
DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old daughter, "Becky," is a sophomore in high school. She's an honor roll student, well-mannered and a good girl. My problem is her father. He's too strict with her.
Becky has always been open and honest with me. This year she's discovered boys, and I know that's the reason her dad is being so overprotective. He rarely allows our daughter to talk on the phone, and when she does, it must be in our presence. He won't let her go anywhere without us. She's not allowed to go to supervised parties or attend any group activity other than cheerleading practice. My poor daughter has no social life.
Becky's lifelong friends no longer call her to invite her to go places with them, because they know her dad won't allow it. They've stopped coming over because they know that the limit of their activity is going to be sitting on the couch watching TV with my husband and me.
I think Becky deserves some privacy and a social life that does not include us. After she told us a 17-year-old senior boy had a crush on her, my husband refused to allow her to go to the movies with him and his parents. My husband won't even let the boy ride to the store with us. How can I get him to ease up, Abby? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE SOMEWHERE IN TEXAS
DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Start by telling your husband that you love him and know he is trying to be a protective parent, but he has gone off the deep end. In the name of love, he is crippling his daughter -- and if it continues, she will eventually withdraw from both of you.
By preventing Becky from having normal social relationships that are appropriate for a girl her age, her father is preventing her from learning to make wise decisions and develop healthy relationships.
If your husband is not willing to listen to you, please schedule some sessions for the two of you with a psychotherapist who can explain it to him.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Felt Up in Philly," who attended a friend's wedding and was hit on by the groom who now refuses to stop e-mailing her, I thought I'd share my experience. (By the way, your advice to forward his e-mails to his wife was on target.)
A few years ago, a friend of mine was engaged. Her fiance called me one night "just to talk." During the conversation he said he had feelings for me. Mind you, I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in their wedding and had met him only once.
I told him he was crazy and the feeling was NOT mutual. Then I said if he didn't tell my friend, I would. Time went on; he never told her. One day, my friend called me to talk about the wedding plans, and I told her I couldn't be in her wedding. When she asked why, I told her what her fiance had told me (at the risk of possibly losing a good friend). She said she'd call me back but she never did.
That was almost three years ago. About a month ago, she called me out of the blue. She had broken off the engagement shortly after our last conversation, and we've become good friends again.
It's unfortunate that "Felt Up's" experience happened at the wedding, but I hope she follows your advice. Her friend needs to know what kind of person she married. -- JACKIE IN COLUMBIA, MD.
DEAR JACKIE: I agree. Unless a cheater comes to terms with his (or her) behavior and sincerely wants to change, it will happen again and again.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HOW DID ONE HUSBAND CHEAT? LET HIS WIFE COUNT THE WAYS
DEAR ABBY: I loved, loved, loved the column about signs that indicate a spouse is cheating. I sent it to my former husband with red "x's" next to every point that reminded me of him. Since our divorce 22 years ago, he has remarried twice.
You hit the nail on the head when you listed "changes in grooming." My 55-year-old Romeo went out and bought hair dye and began to blow-dry his hair every morning to hide his large bald spot.
He had taken his wedding ring off years before, saying he couldn't wear it around the machines at work. But he didn't work seven days a week, and he was a supervisor. His men did all the work. (His company later demoted him for sexual harassment.)
The "emergency errands" you mentioned were hilarious. One night my ex said he had to get oil for the car immediately. When I casually-on-purpose suggested I accompany him, he went to the garage to pretend to take another look, then came back and said he didn't need the oil after all.
At the time of our divorce, I found a package of condoms in his fishing tackle box. I kept the package and stomped on all his lures and other fishing equipment. It was a few days before fishing season opened in Wisconsin.
A day or two later, I discovered another package of the same brand in my daughter's dresser drawer. She had been away at college for six months. (I had wanted to launder things in her underwear drawer when I came upon the package.) When I confronted my husband, who thought he'd had a sure bet with that hiding place, he said, "Don't tell 'Joanie' you found them in case they're hers." I screamed at him, "In case they're HERS, you creep!" Only the Lord must have kept me from getting a knife from the kitchen that night to use on a man who'd accuse his own daughter to get himself off the hook. It was the last straw.
So, Abby, if you think that you have heard it all, trust me -- you haven't. I don't miss him. And I will never remarry because of the alimony. My only regret is that I didn't throw him out sooner. -- HELL HATH NO FURY IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR H.H.N.F.: Just when I think I HAVE heard it all, a letter like yours comes along! I don't blame you for being angry. But please don't make it a career. Hate corrodes the vessel that carries it.
DEAR ABBY: My high school friends have invited me to a party that's coming up soon. I know there's going to be beer, drugs and sex. I was thinking about not showing up, but I don't want to let my friends down. Maybe I'll tell them an emergency came up and I had to go to the hospital. I don't like making up lies, but I don't know what else to do. What do you think? -- TEXAS DUDE
DEAR DUDE: I'm impressed that you are not caving into peer pressure. You deserve to be commended.
Make other plans so you won't have to lie. Then tell your friends you have another commitment. That way, you'll be telling the truth.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think I am selfish because I want to go on a ski vacation without my pregnant wife? At the time of the trip, she'll be eight months along. She says I'm being inconsiderate. Am I? -- SKI BUMMED
DEAR SKI BUMMED: I think so. Babies have been known to arrive early. And while you're on the slopes, your wife may need "a lift" to the hospital.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)