For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MISCARRIAGE ENDS PREGNANCY, BUT NOT TEENS' RELATIONSHIP
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 15-year-old daughter, "Brandy," who is a pretty good kid. She has caused me very little trouble -- she gets good grades, has well-behaved friends, etc. My problem is she got herself pregnant by her boyfriend of three months. He's a good kid, too. (I'll call him Danny.)
Brandy ended up having a miscarriage, so now we're back to "life as usual," as she and Danny see it. However, I am having a tough time with Danny hanging around. I can no longer look him in the eye. His parents were no help at all during the hellish week we experienced when Brandy was pregnant.
Should I allow Danny to keep dating my daughter or send him packing? I feel caught in the middle. As a parent, I feel I should put a stop to the relationship. However, if I do, I'm afraid Brandy might run away. (I remember well how I felt when I was her age.) Please help, Abby. -- TORN MOM IN OHIO
DEAR TORN MOM: Consider this near-miss a wakeup call! You are overdue for a serious talk with Danny and his parents, because had the pregnancy continued, Danny would have been equally responsible for caring for and supporting his child.
It's time to face up to the fact that your children are now sexually active. Worry less that your daughter will run away, and more about what will happen if she and Danny conceive again.
Danny and Brandy must learn that sex carries with it great responsibility -- one that can sometimes last 18 years or more. Further, there is the danger of sexually transmitted disease to be considered. I urge you to schedule a doctor's appointment for both of them. If that's not possible, contact Planned Parenthood. Brandy and Danny need to learn everything they can about birth control and self-control.
DEAR ABBY: This Christmas, I received a beautiful gold necklace as a gift from my father. However, the pendant is in the shape of a religious symbol. I understand it may have been unclear to him that I feel reluctant to wear such a necklace, but in good conscience, I cannot because I follow a different faith.
Should I exchange it, or keep it and never wear it? I do not want to offend my dad, as he is my birth father and we met only recently. Since we are in the beginning of our relationship, I don't want to mess it up.
On the other hand, it seems a waste to own jewelry that is never worn -- and I'm sure he'd notice. Please help me, Abby. If I exchange the necklace, there's a 100-day limit. -- VEXED IN VEGAS
DEAR VEXED: Write your father a note. Thank him for his thoughtfulness and generosity. Explain why you want to exchange the necklace. Your reason is a valid one. It's possible that, since you are just getting to know each other, he's unaware your religious beliefs differ from his.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ted," beats me up bad. It's not me I'm worried about -- it's our 4-month-old baby girl. Ted threatens to kill me and the baby if I leave. He hits, slaps and kicks me almost daily. Please help me. -- DESPERATE IN ITHACA, N.Y.
DEAR DESPERATE: Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is 1-800-799-7233. Tell the counselor who answers what you have written to me. He or she will help you to formulate an escape plan. For your daughter's sake, please don't wait.
PROBLEMS IN HUMAN RELATIONS TRANSLATE TO EVERY LANGUAGE
DEAR ABBY: I was surprised at the letter from the reader in Harpers Ferry, W.Va., who feels using your column to teach English as a second language might send the wrong message about the United States.
You were right on the money when you said that "See Spot Run" and cartoon-like depictions no longer hold the interest of adult learners. I am a professor of English in France and often use your column to teach adult conversational English. My students find the exercise a fun and interesting way to practice English. Judging by their responses, the problems in your column are in no way unique to the U.S. -- SHARI YOUNGBLOOD, PARIS, FRANCE
DEAR SHARI: I was heartened by the number of letters I received from readers who wanted to defend the column. Thank you for yours. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I teach a writing class at a teacher's college. Your column transcends national boundaries. I took special delight when you expressed best wishes to your Muslim readers at the end of Ramadan. Your column shows America to the world, and because of your sage advice, the wisdom displayed and your evident sympathy -- indeed, that shown by your readers as well -- you present America at its best. -- JACK DUNSTER, LUBLIN, POLAND
DEAR JACK: It is a given that my readers are people who are interested in, and care about, one another.
DEAR ABBY: I have been teaching English in Korea for several months. Every country in the world struggles with the same moral issues that we do. Am I supposed to give my adult students Mother Goose stories? -- DEREK DENTON, SEOUL
DEAR DEREK: Certainly not. To teach successfully, one must hold the student's interest.
DEAR ABBY: I am an English teacher. The reader from Harpers Ferry cites "sibling rivalry, spousal mistrust and sexual abuse" among things your column supposedly promotes. As you pointed out, discussion and promotion are two entirely different things. If we are to stick solely to British and American "classics" to teach English, take a closer look: There's sibling rivalry in the works of Louisa May Alcott, Jane Austen and Emily Bronte, to name a few. Spousal mistrust is featured in "Hamlet," Fitzgerald's "The Great Gatsby," and anything written by Steinbeck or Hemingway. And look no further than "The Scarlet Letter" if you want to talk about sexual dysfunction and abuse.
I won't even begin to address the woman's ridiculous act of placing "homosexuality" on her list of social ills. -- BARBARA BORTOT, MINNESOTA
DEAR BARBARA: It's usually those topics people are afraid to discuss that need to be talked about the most.
DEAR ABBY: Your column consistently uses a few well-chosen -- often eloquent -- words to say a great deal on a vast array of topics, typically with grace, wit, style, and a uniquely American use of irony to drive home a point. Equally important, you treat all of your readers with compassion and dignity and call upon them to treat others accordingly.
"Harpers Ferry" gave the Dear Abby column an R-rating. In my book, any teacher smart enough to recognize the column as an effective teaching tool to help others understand and communicate what it really means to be an American, gets an A-plus. -- GEORGE MARCELLE, LOS ANGELES
DEAR GEORGE: Thank you for beautifully articulating the Dear Abby philosophy.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Server at Family Restaurant Has to Carry Niece's Load
DEAR ABBY: I am putting myself through college working nights as a server in a small, family-owned restaurant. There are only two servers working nights, and a couple of nights a week, I share my shift with "Jane."
Jane takes her table orders, then expects me to deliver the food, refill drinks, and anything else the people at her tables might need -- in addition to working my own tables.
My problem is that many of the patrons at Jane's tables directly hand me their tip, saying I deserve it more than she does. Even though I don't think Jane deserves to be tipped, I feel guilty taking the money and always end up putting it in Jane's tip jar. Also, according to our employer's policy, I could get fired for keeping the money.
To make matters worse, Jane is the boss's niece. This makes me reluctant to take the problem to him. Would it be wrong for me to tell the patrons at Jane's tables that I can't keep their tips, and leave it up to them whether they leave anything for Jane? Maybe it would force Jane to work harder. Or should I keep things "as is" and not cause trouble? -- WORKING MY WAY THROUGH SCHOOL IN INDIANA
DEAR WORKING: I have a "tip" for you. The boss's niece feels entitled, and in the interest of family unity, your boss will probably back her up. This can't be the only restaurant in town. With your experience, you are an attractive candidate for a job elsewhere. Start looking.
DEAR ABBY: My mother and I were discussing the traditional custom of tossing the bride's bouquet at my wedding two years ago. The young girl who ended up catching it was only 12. Mom had no problem with it at the time, but now she does. She says that single females trying to catch the bouquet should be of marrying age -- and the child who caught mine should never have been allowed to participate.
At most of the weddings I've attended since then, I have observed very young girls (some as young as 3) vying for the bouquet, as well as little boys scrambling to catch the bride's garter thrown by the groom. (At my wedding, the "winner" was a boy of 14.) What do you think about this, Abby? Is my mother right? -- MOTHER AND DAUGHTER IN HOUSTON
DEAR MOTHER AND DAUGHTER: Since catching a bouquet or garter is no guarantee that the person will be the next to marry (it's "up for grabs"), I see no reason why any guest should be excluded.
DEAR ABBY: I belong to two organizations whose members would love to send messages to our troops all year long. Will your Web site, www.OperationDearAbby.net, continue to be available to use all year to support the men and women in our military? -- JUDY IN FLORIDA
DEAR JUDY: Absolutely! In the past, readers have complained because Operation Dear Abby was limited to Nov. 15 to Jan. 15. OperationDearAbby.net is now YEAR-ROUND. All messages will be relayed to our troops via a secure military site, which means they'll be bug-free and virus-free in every sense of the word.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)