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Son Placed for Adoption Kept Secret From Fiance's Family
DEAR ABBY: Almost two years ago, I placed my beautiful baby boy for adoption. His name is William. A wonderful couple adopted him. As difficult as it was for me, I knew I was doing the right thing.
My fiance's family knows nothing about William. I want to tell them, but my fiance doesn't want me to, so I've kept quiet. This has bothered me for two years, and I carry a lot of unhappiness inside because of it.
I am considering telling my fiance's family without him present, but I'm afraid I could lose him over this. Should I allow this situation to go on and wait for my fiance to tell his family, or should I be honest with them about William? Please give me your opinion, Abby. -- BARBIE IN TEXAS
DEAR BARBIE: I admire you for wanting to level with your fiance's family. It's the right thing to do because "secrets" like yours have a way of coming to light eventually.
However, I strongly feel that you should not tell his family unless your fiance is beside you. It is important he make it clear to them that regardless of their reaction to the news, he loves you and you are the person with whom he intends to spend the rest of his life.
DEAR ABBY: I come from a large family. Because there hasn't been a family reunion for more than 15 years, I thought it was time. I contacted all my aunts, uncles and cousins and asked them to provide me with names and addresses of their children and grandchildren so I could send invitations.
After receiving the information, I sent everyone letters announcing the place and time of the reunion -- and asked them to donate $25 per family to cover the cost of food, beverages, paper goods, table rental, etc. Several of my relatives found this extremely offensive and said if they had to pay to attend a family reunion, they weren't coming!
Abby, do you think I was wrong to ask for some financial help? -- NOT WEALTHY IN TEXAS
DEAR NOT WEALTHY: No, I do not. Perhaps this is one of the reasons it has been 15 years since the family gathered. Considering the cost involved, the amount you requested was not excessive. I hope you held the reunion without the complainers and that it was a success.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know what's wrong with me. I am an 18-year-old girl, and I date only older guys who either have a girlfriend or are engaged. It's like I can't be happy with anyone single or available.
Sometimes I have even dated my friends' boyfriends behind their backs. I'm afraid in the future this will all catch up with me. I don't want to act like this anymore, Abby. I really don't. Please help. -- "SALLY" IN CINCINNATI
DEAR "SALLY": It is an intelligent person who recognizes she (or he) is engaging in self-defeating behavior -- and this certainly qualifies. I don't know if you have a fear of commitment or whether "poaching" gives you a feeling of power. Whatever your motivation, some counseling to get to the bottom of it would be very helpful. Unless you're willing to examine your behavior, the pattern will continue.
RECRUITS MUST READ FINE PRINT BEFORE SIGNING ON DOTTED LINE
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the 25-year-old man who's considering joining the military, and whose family and friends think he's lost his mind.
I'm a retired Army colonel and think how fortunate this country would be if more people had that young man's attitude.
My strongest recommendation to that fella -- or anyone joining the military -- is to make absolutely sure of what you are signing up for. Read the DD Form 4, Enlistment Contract -- every word. If a recruiter promises something, have that promise put in writing on the DD Form 4 or it is not considered binding. Also, don't let a recruiter tell you "now or never." He may say that only to fulfill a quota. Yes, there are restrictions and qualification factors, but a good recruiter will lay out all of those openly and work with the applicant to satisfy the individual's need as well as the military's. -- COL. MM, HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR COL. MM: You have written an important letter, and I hope that "Not in Boot Camp Yet" takes it to heart. I'm sure it will help not only him, but also any high school senior who is unsure about what to do after graduation. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is for anyone who's considering joining any branch of military service. Even if you are sure which branch you want to join, talk to recruiters from other branches -- and also different recruiters in the branch you are considering. Some recruiters are more knowledgeable than others, and an inexperienced recruiter's ignorance can cause new recruits to miss out on opportunities such as bonuses, tuition and initial entry rank. -- PROUD AIRMAN, JACKSONVILLE, FLA.
DEAR PROUD AIRMAN: That's valuable advice for anyone considering a stint in the armed forces.
DEAR ABBY: I am a former Marine and would like to comment on the letter from the young man who is considering joining the armed forces, but feels he is being "rushed" by recruiters and called "crazy" by his friends.
The solution is to join the reserves. In the reserves, he will get the training any other "boot" will get and still have the best of both worlds. The difference is that when it's time to graduate, he'll be asked if he wants to change his contract to "active duty." If he declines, he returns to civilian life and drills once a month with his assigned unit. In addition, he serves two weeks in the summer with his reserve unit when it goes on annual duty training. The rest of the time, he's a civilian. -- BILL IN FULLERTON, CALIF.
DEAR BILL: That sounds like an intelligent alternative.
DEAR ABBY: While getting injured or killed in the military is a possibility, there are tremendous personal rewards. I have traveled the world with the Air Force without serious injury, yet I fell off a ladder in my back yard last year and nearly killed myself. Go figure! -- MAJ. MICHAEL C., USAFR, RET.
DEAR MICHAEL: Ninety-nine percent of those who wrote to comment on "Not in Boot Camp's" letter expressed that their stint in the military was both exciting and challenging. It is life on the edge, and you get out of it what you put into it.
P.S. Stay away from ladders!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
High Priced Hairdresser Gets Cut From Woman's Budget
DEAR ABBY: I have a terrific hairdresser I'll call "Jordy." He owns the salon I have patronized for more than 20 years. His work is outstanding, and I always get compliments about my hair. However, because of his latest price increases and my being on a fixed income, I can no longer afford his services.
In years past, the price would increase a couple of dollars. But this year, Jordy increased it 10 percent. I make appointments six months in advance because it's easier to plan around a set appointment than vice versa.
My dilemma: How should I go about canceling my four appointments? Should I write Jordy a letter? What should I say? We have become quite good friends over the years, and I hate to leave, but my limited income can be stretched only so far. -- HAIR-RAISED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HAIR-RAISED: In light of your long-standing relationship, you should tell Jordy exactly what you have told me. If that is too embarrassing, write him a letter. Tell him that although you are very fond of him, because you are now on a fixed income, with the latest price hike you can no longer afford to be his client. Consider asking him to recommend a less expensive shop and a hairdresser who can keep you as well-coiffed as ever.
It's possible that Jordy's expenses have increased dramatically, or he may have become so popular he's reducing his client list. Whatever the reason, his response will help you get to the "root" of his price increase.
P.S. He may offer you a reduced rate, given your long association.
DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, my family and I attended a friend's party. I'll call her "Vanetta." My son, "Paul," was a young teenager. We didn't know at the time that he had fallen in with a bad crowd and was using drugs. The day after the party, Vanetta called and said a portable radio had been stolen from her home and implied that it was taken by one of the kids who had attended. I questioned Paul; he denied knowing anything about it.
My son is now a young adult and, thankfully, has stopped using drugs. He recently admitted to me that he and another teenage boy had stolen the radio and sold it. In spite of this, I know Paul is a good person who has made some bad choices. I asked him if he would go to Vanetta, confess and reimburse her for it. He said he was too "embarrassed."
Abby, Vanetta tends to be judgmental and would most likely respond to Paul in a condemning way. I'm not defending my son's behavior, but Vanetta has never had children and does not understand the peer pressures young people face today.
Should I encourage Paul to go to Vanetta and make amends, or let it stay in the past and be forgotten? -- ANONYMOUS MOM IN A SMALL TOWN
DEAR ANONYMOUS MOM: Encourage your son to speak to Vanetta and, with cash in hand, explain to her that he was young, was stupidly experimenting with drugs, is profoundly sorry for what he did, and hopes that she will understand and accept his apology.
Let's hope Vanetta will find it in her heart to forgive him, but even if she doesn't, your son's conscience will be clear, and he can put this sad chapter in his life behind him.
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