For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BOY'S HEART BELONGS TO CAR'S SPEAKERS AND NOT TO HIS GIRL
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Justin," is obsessed with making his car stereo system the loudest in our school. That means I am alone and depressed most of the time because I miss him and have nothing to do. I never get to see him in school because our class schedules are different, and on weekends we both have to work.
It feels like I hang out with his best friend more, and he agrees that Justin needs to pay me a little more attention. Yes, I have told Justin how I feel, but his only reply was that he agreed he was being a jerk, he realizes he hasn't seen me -- and he's sorry. The next day he was back at it, messing around with the wires and speakers.
Please help me. What can I say to him to fix this problem? -- MISS LONELY IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR MISS LONELY: Tell him loud and clear you think the two of you should spend more time together or your romance is history. In the meantime, explore your own special interests. Do not totally depend upon others for your entertainment and sense of worth.
DEAR ABBY: My nephew was married six months ago. I gave him and his bride a beautiful wedding gift. To date, not one member of the groom's family or friends has received a thank-you note. The bride has written to all of her family and friends, but she has refused to acknowledge any from the groom's side. She told someone that it is HIS responsibility to write his own notes, and she is not going to "enable him."
In my opinion, the bride is self-centered and has no feelings or interest in the groom's family. I see it as a slap in the face. In my 75 years here on Earth I have never seen a groom write a thank-you note. What do you think? -- ANGRY AUNT IN AKRON
DEAR ANGRY AUNT: In the words of Bob Dylan, "The times they are a-changing." In today's world, most couples are both employed and share household and social duties. Please don't blame the bride. You're aiming your anger at the wrong target.
DEAR ABBY: My 78-year-old mother has a shopping problem. It's been going on for as long as I can remember. I used to organize yard sales once or twice a year to clear out some of the junk for her. We always had a huge turnout because Mom always had a nice selection of new stuff for sale. Now that I have moved away, my sister is left with the mess, and there have been no more yard sales.
Isn't "binge shopping" considered addictive behavior? Our mother is hooked on the Home Shopping Network, as well as the sales racks at her local stores.
We have pleaded with Mom to stop, but she always replies, "You might as well dig a hole and stick me in it now!" That shuts us up in a hurry, because we were always taught to respect our elders. Have you any suggestions for us, Abby? -- TIRED OF THE MESS IN MONTANA
DEAR TIRED OF THE MESS: Not unless your mother is willing to face the fact that she has a problem. There are self-help groups for spend-a-holics, and anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications that can help sufferers cope with the compulsion to spend.
One rule is that if you're going to stop a negative behavior it must be replaced with a positive one. But all this is beside the point if your mother has the financial resources and doesn't believe she needs help.
GOOD HEDGE MAY MAKE BETTER NEIGHBOR OF WOMAN NEXT DOOR
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can help resolve an ever-widening dispute between my husband and me. We live in a small town with our young children.
Our next-door neighbor is a troubled woman. I call her the Wicked Witch of the West. She's openly hostile, a mad-at-the-world type. Extending an olive branch to her is not possible, as testified to by her many former friends and family members who avoid her.
When the "witch" is out in her yard, she ignores the innocent greetings of our young children, which hurts their feelings. Yet she refers often and loudly to her dogs as her "children" and speaks to them as one would a child. I worry what a person so filled with anger may be capable of. I don't feel safe having my children grow up next to her.
Our neighbor to the east of us is a wonderful person who showers our children with attention and affection. I want to move, but my husband says we have to focus on the positive -- the delightful neighbor whom our children adore. What do you think we should do? -- CONCERNED MOTHER IN NORTHERN MINNESOTA
DEAR CONCERNED MOTHER: I vote with your husband. If you move, there is no guarantee that your new neighbors will relate well to children.
A more realistic way to handle this would be to explain to your children that the neighbor to the west is troubled and unhappy, and that they should leave her alone. It shouldn't be hard to impress on them, because children usually respond to people who show an interest and pleasure at being around them. If possible, plant a nice, thick hedge along the west side of your yard so they don't have to see her or be rebuffed by her.
DEAR ABBY: Recently I began dating a girl from work, and I think she's absolutely wonderful. I'll call her Sheryl. She's a part-time college student. We get along great, and our relationship is slowly progressing.
The one problem I have with her is that she has stopped going to her classes. Sheryl says she "just doesn't feel like it" anymore. She said school started off well, but because of poor attendance she's missed some tests and is failing two of her four classes.
I have encouraged Sheryl to pull herself out of this pit and salvage her grades, rather than accepting failure. However, it shouldn't be my job to constantly remind her to go to class. Sheryl already knows what she needs to do but is very discouraged. She's unhappy with her major, and now she's talking about dropping out and taking some time off.
What should I do, Abby? I can't bear to watch Sheryl fail. -- ANDY IN OHIO
DEAR ANDY: You are a caring friend, and Sheryl is fortunate to have you in her life right now. Please urge her to talk to her school counselor about her ambivalence in continuing college. As a part-time student, she may be carrying too heavy a load and might do better if she cut back. She may also be suffering from depression, and should be evaluated at the student health center before dropping out. However, ultimately the choice is hers, and whether she stays in school is not your responsibility.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boy Caught in Divorce Needs Consistency and Counseling
DEAR ABBY: I am a single father raising my 6-year-old son, Jimmy. He's the light of my life.
As a result of my messy divorce, Jimmy is having a lot of problems dealing with his mother. (I'll call her Elaine.) Elaine calls only when it's convenient for her and refuses to give me her address or phone number, making it impossible for Jimmy to contact her. The judge ordered her to take parenting classes and suspended her visitation until she complies.
My stepdaughter has been in touch with Elaine, and I have allowed her to pick up Jimmy and take him to visit his mother, because I want him to know her. Until last year Elaine was addicted to drugs, but claims she's clean now due to her probation.
My dilemma: Elaine owes me $5,000 in child support. I've been paid a total of $214.15. Now the judge has ordered her to pay me a certain amount or she will be sent to jail for six months. Elaine has blamed me in front of Jimmy for her situation. He is hurt by this and blames me for the possibility of "putting Mommy in jail," even though she's the one responsible for her own actions. Jimmy has been in counseling, but it's not helping. I need your advice, Abby. Please help me. -- SINGLE DAD IN ILLINOIS
DEAR SINGLE DAD: Your mistake was allowing your stepdaughter to take Jimmy to see his mother against the judge's orders. In a sense, it has allowed your little boy to be victimized again because of Elaine's brainwashing.
My advice is to keep your son in counseling -- and follow the judge's rules from now on. Be sure the counselor is aware of everything that's happening, as well as your son's teachers. Spend as much time with your son as you can. He needs you now more than ever.
DEAR ABBY: My mother was married once before she married my dad. She has a son, "Morris," from that first marriage.
When Dad and Mom were married, my dad adopted Morris. My parents have been divorced almost 20 years now, and Dad's mother ("Granny O'Hara") does not acknowledge my half-brother as her grandchild, nor his wife or their lovely children.
I will receive a large inheritance from Granny O'Hara, and I feel that Morris should be included in this bequest. Please let me know if you agree, and what you think would be the best way to approach Granny about this. She knows I am close with my half-brother and is kind about asking about him, but I feel he deserves more. This is a touchy subject. -- WANTS TO BE FAIR IN OHIO
DEAR WANTS TO BE FAIR: It appears that your grandmother intends to keep her estate in her biological family -- to be passed on to blood relatives only. If that's the case, I doubt anything you say will sway her.
Since you wish to share your inheritance with your half-brother, I urge you to discuss the matter with an attorney who can explain what the tax liabilities might be if you do so after Granny's death. You may have to spread the payments out over a number of years in order to avoid gift taxes.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)