What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teen Unsure of What to Do to Help Her Bulimic Friend
DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl. Each day at lunch, my friend, "Lily," runs to the bathroom right after she eats. I'm pretty sure she's throwing up. Lily's other friends agree with me, because one of them heard puking noises coming from a bathroom stall Lily went into.
I don't know what the word is for making yourself throw up, but I do know it can ruin your health and could even kill you. My sister says that Lily needs to understand her behavior is dangerous to her health, but I'm afraid she'll feel betrayed if I tell. What should I do? -- ANONYMOUS IN SANTA ROSA, CALIF.
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Lily is fortunate to have such a caring friend as you. The name for her problem is bulimia, and you are correct that it is very serious. Once people get into the habit of vomiting their food after eating, it may take professional intervention and therapy to stop.
I urge you to tell a trusted teacher or counselor at school what you have written to me. Lily's parents must be told that she has a serious problem. Her health and possibly her life could depend upon it. You should also tell your mother. I'm sure she'll be proud she has such an intelligent and proactive daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I am 52 and have been a widow for nearly 10 years. I am going with a wonderful guy, "Gus," who had quadruple bypass surgery a year ago. Gus is 53. He takes care of himself by watching his diet and doing aerobics. My mother thinks I should break up with him because of his health problems. I've also had health problems -- a blood clot two years ago and total knee replacement early last year.
Gus and I love each other and feel we can support each other through our health challenges. Should I listen to my mother and lead a lonely life -- or make a lifelong commitment to Gus? -- HAPPY AGAIN IN MICHIGAN
DEAR HAPPY AGAIN: Your mother means well, but listen to your heart. It's not the length of your years, but how well you live them that counts. Since Gus takes care of himself, you could both live long, happy lives together.
DEAR ABBY: I appreciated learning about the VISION USA free eye-care program that was recently mentioned in your column, but I want you and your readers to know that there are also other assistance programs available. Every day I see working people who can't afford insurance for themselves and their families. That is where the Lions clubs come in.
Many Lions clubs provide assistance with free eye care (exams, glasses and surgery) for those in need. There are approximately 1.4 million members in more than 44,600 clubs in 190 countries. Over the years, the Lions have extended their service to help with hearing exams, hearing aids and medical assistance for diabetics. We work with local eye-care professionals to help children and adults.
To get in touch with your local Lions club, check community resources or visit www.lionsclubs.org. We are ordinary citizens trying to help needy people in our local areas. We also support youth programs, community development, eyeglass recycling and much more. Thank you, Abby, for your longtime support of the Lions clubs throughout the world. -- SANDY CARAWAN, GREAT BRIDGE LIONS CLUB, CHESAPEAKE, VA.
DEAR SANDY: You are the people who should be thanked for contributing to your communities in such an important way by helping people who could not otherwise find assistance.
FOR MEN OF FEW WORDS, LOVE IS EASIER SHOWN THAN SAID
DEAR ABBY: The letters regarding the use of the phrase "I love you" reminded me of a story. The Finns are reputed to be people who don't waste many words. An example:
"'Jussi' and 'Kaisa' had been married for 25 years. One day, Kaisa asked Jussi, 'Why don't you ever tell me you love me?' His reply: 'I told you "I love you" when we were married. If anything changes, I'll let you know.'" -- ARNIE HAKKILA, RIO VERDE, ARIZ.
DEAR ARNIE: No wonder they say it's cold in Finland! Jussi may have been a man of few words, but I'll bet his wife had more than a few for him when she heard that reply. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You may have missed something in your reply to "Hurt in Reno." Hurt told her fiance she loved him and would be devastated if anything happened to him, and was upset when all he said in return was he "probably" felt the same. She also said he was not affectionate, but was good to her son.
You said he might be a poor communicator.
What caught my eye was the line about how he treats her son. Is it possible her fiance is engaged to her so he can have access to the boy? My second husband turned out to be a molester. During the first year of our marriage, while I was pregnant, he began to "groom" my daughter to be his sexual partner.
Please urge "Hurt" to follow her gut instincts. It could save her son's future and years of guilt for herself. -- ALMOST SANE AFTER YEARS OF THERAPY
DEAR ALMOST SANE: It's interesting how the letters in my column are interpreted through the filter of the reader's personal experience. Your warning should be enough to alert that mother.
DEAR ABBY: PHOOEY! on that word "love"! Seventy years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was engaged to a man who swore he loved me with all his heart. He did -- until I became very sick. That was the end of our wedding plans.
Years later, I met a man I thought was interested in a mutual friend. I was shocked when he invited me to dinner and a movie. During dinner he said, "I'm not an articulate person." "That's OK," I flippantly replied. "Neither am I!"
We saw each other often after that and time seemed to fly. Then I had an attack of pain that came without warning. My doctor advised immediate surgery. When I told my friend, he listened, then put his hands on my shoulders. In a voice choked with tears he said, "I LIKE you. Will you marry me?" I was so astonished I couldn't speak, for we hadn't even kissed, as unbelievable as that seems.
"You do LIKE me, don't you?" he asked anxiously. "Yes," I whispered. I got no further because I was stopped by our first kiss.
I'm a widow now, and more than 90 years old, nearing the end of my life's journey. Please tell "Feeling Hurt" that a happy marriage CAN be built on two people "liking each other" at the start. My husband of almost 50 years didn't say "love" a dozen times, but by his actions, faithfulness, consideration and dozens of ways, he proved -- not only to me, but also to the world -- that he did.
Now I only want to be with him. -- MISSING MY MATE IN ARIZONA
DEAR MISSING: Thank you for sharing your truly unforgettable love story. It touched my heart.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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FREELOADING SONS MUST BEGIN TO SHOULDER THEIR OWN WEIGHT
DEAR ABBY: My husband left me two years ago. Since that time I have struggled financially with no help from him. I earn only half of what I need to pay my bills each month. Several times this past year I was sick and missed work with no compensation -- so you can imagine the poverty level at which I live. My three children still live with me. They are 17, 19 and 22.
The problem is, my two oldest boys have full-time jobs, yet they refuse to help out financially. I ask only that they contribute $50 a week. I know I am doing them a disservice by allowing them to freeload, because they're not learning to take responsibility. However, I cannot handle the ultimatum of "pay up or get out."
Should my kids choose to leave, I would be sick with worry. I am worried now, too, but not nearly as worried as I'd be if they were to walk out of my life, as my oldest son did when I gave him that ultimatum a year ago. He has only recently started talking to me again, but our relationship is strained. He blames me for the hardship he experienced when he went out on his own.
Is there another way to make my children contribute to our household without taking drastic measures? Please help, Abby. I am too tired to get an additional part-time job in order to keep our heads above water. -- AT A LOSS IN RIVERHEAD, N.Y.
DEAR AT A LOSS: Please do not tolerate this situation any longer. You're doing no one a favor -- including yourself.
Your boys have a lot of growing up to do. Your request for $50 a week from the older boys is not excessive. They are young men now and should want to ease the burden you're carrying to give them a home.
Call a family meeting. Explain your financial situation in no uncertain terms. Then decide -- as a family -- what steps can be taken.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 32 years. I love my husband dearly, but last year I had a cancerous breast removed. I am doing well so far. The problem is my husband has not touched me since the surgery.
In the meantime, I ran into an old friend with whom I was very much in love when I was 17. He is also married. We see each other as often as possible -- which isn't very often because his job takes him all over the country. I am not sure he would give up his present life, nor am I sure I would give up mine, but my husband is pushing me out the door.
I can't seem to get my high school sweetheart off my mind. He treats me so much better than my husband, who has a bad temper, has hurt me more than once and obviously can't stand to look at me. At my age, should I grab what little joy I have left, or forget it? -- HURTING IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR HURTING: Before making any decisions that could affect the rest of your life, please pick up the phone and call the American Cancer Society. It sponsors support groups nationwide for survivors of cancer and their spouses. To find one in your community, call the toll-free number: (800) 227-2345. It is imperative that you and your husband start communicating again. As things stand, you are flirting with disaster -- and the one who could be seriously harmed is you.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)