For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Finds the Dating Pool Is Fished Out in Small Town
DEAR ABBY: I am an attractive 33-year-old, unattached woman who is extremely shy and lonely. Please don't tell me to look for companionship in church (done that) or clubs, which don't exist in my small town.
The nearest singles group is a 30-mile drive, and the "pickings" there are slim. Most of my friends are married and preoccupied with husbands and busy households. We might meet for coffee or an occasional meal, but not often.
The few single girlfriends I have are romantically involved and do not want to leave their boyfriends even for an hour, so I am stuck every weekend at home by myself. I tried an Internet dating service. All the responses I got were from men 50 and older -- even though I requested no one over 37.
I am beginning to doubt myself as a person -- fearing that no one will ever want to get close to me. My attitude is starting to affect my job performance.
Abby, am I asking too much to want someone to cuddle up with at night; someone to be there when I've had a rough day; someone to go bike riding with or for a day at the beach?
Can you help me? Please tell me what I can do. My birthday is coming up. All I want in the whole world is to spend it with someone who cares about me. -- LONELY IN A SMALL TOWN SOMEWHERE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR LONELY: Any experienced fisherman knows that in order to be successful, you have to row your boat to where the fish are biting.
Take a look at a map and find a medium-to-large city that you think might offer you a chance for employment and the opportunities to mix with interesting people your age. Once there, get involved in activities where "nice people" meet. (Volunteer work is a good choice.)
Sitting around in a small town brooding about feeling isolated is a waste of precious time.
P.S. If you feel your shyness is limiting your opportunities, I urge you to get counseling. It would be the most valuable birthday present you could give yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My ex-mother-in-law, Thelma Barcal, lived in Sioux City, Iowa, and took delight in telling this true story from the 1920s about a pair of young twin girls who lived next door to her on -- I believe -- Jackson Street.
Thelma took great pride in the flowers she grew in her backyard. Evidently the twins liked them, too. In fact, they liked them so much that one day they picked most of them.
The next thing Thelma knew, her doorbell rang -- and there stood the twins at her front door wanting to sell her own flowers back to her!
Those precocious twin girls grew up to be "Dear Abby" and "Ann Landers." Thought you might enjoy this little trip down memory lane. -- ALICE MOSES, HUNTSVILLE, ALA.
DEAR ALICE: I did, indeed. I'm not surprised that my mother and my aunt were so enterprising at such a tender age. However, I'm relieved the two "hot petal pushers" decided to devote their talents to something legitimate before they were "busted" for their entrepreneurship. (Both were too short to look good in horizontal stripes!)
REMEMBRANCES OF SEPTEMBER 11 ARE SHARED THROUGH COMMISSION
DEAR ABBY: How can people observe the first anniversary of Sept. 11 in a personal way with family and friends?
This question has been posed to the White House Commission on Remembrance by teenagers and seniors alike. In response, we have developed a special remembrance, centered on the theme "Stand With Courage."
Real courage is born of necessity in a crisis, exemplified by the actions displayed by the passengers on the fateful United Airlines Flight 93, or the men and women who ran up the stairs of the collapsing buildings in the call of duty. It is reflected in the bravery of the wives, husbands and children who have continued with their lives after the devastating loss of their loved ones.
Every one of us can observe the anniversary of the attacks by pausing for a personal moment of remembrance, which includes the symbolic ringing of a bell three times (once for each site) and an informal candlelight vigil. Suggestions for such a remembrance are available on the commission's Web site at www.remember.gov. These ideas include gathering with loved ones for dinner, saying a prayer for the families of those who died, driving with headlights illuminated or displaying the American flag.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face," Eleanor Roosevelt once said. "You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
We can continue to affirm our strength as a nation by renewing our faith and courage on this first anniversary of the attacks. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: I would like to join you in extending my deepest sympathy to the families and friends of the people who perished in the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the plane that went down in Pennsylvania; also those brave souls who sacrificed their lives trying to rescue others on that horrific day.
As much as we might wish otherwise, we must be prepared for "the next thing that comes along." To me, that means also supporting those young men and women who have put their personal lives aside and have assumed roles in our military to protect us all from terrorism.
Often this has been done at great expense to themselves, as they put family lives and careers on hold in order to do it.
I have been told repeatedly that the greatest morale booster for our service members stationed far from home is mail call.
A simple and easy way to express our gratitude to these brave and idealistic men and women is to e-mail them a personal message of support via www.OperationDearAbby.net. This Web site is an official program of the Department of Defense, and is noncommercial.
People who don't know how to operate a computer can ask a friend who has one to help them do it, or they can go to a public library or computer store and ask for assistance.
Simply type in: www.OperationDearAbby.net, select "send a message," and start writing.
I'm reminded of a quote from President John F. Kennedy's inaugural address: "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
Today I would like to paraphrase it: Ask not what your country can do for you; ask instead what you can do for those courageous individuals who so selflessly and bravely serve our country.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Man's Virtual Cheating Does Real Damage to His Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I recently tried to retrieve my e-mail when my husband's e-mail account popped up. I noticed a few messages from one particular woman, and curiosity got the better of me. I opened them and discovered she and my husband have been chatting online. (His e-mail to her indicates they have "hot" conversations.)
When I confronted my husband, he said it only happened a few times. I told him it's a form of cheating. He insists it has nothing to do with his love for me -- that it is a fantasy thing. I don't care for his explanation, and I'm taking it personally.
I can't forget the things I read and I'm considering ending our marriage. Because he is not carrying on a physical relationship with someone doesn't mean his online relationship isn't as damaging. Do you agree? -- BETRAYED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR BETRAYED: Yes, I do. If your spouse is getting more off the Internet than information, you have every right to be upset. Your husband should be confiding his sexual fantasies to you -- not to some stranger on the Internet. Before ending your marriage, first try marriage counseling to see if it can be saved.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Hank," and I are thinking about being married next year. I am currently 20 pounds overweight. Last night, Hank said he wants me to gain more weight after we are married. He said if I weigh 300 pounds, it will turn him on sexually.
Abby, I have never weighed that much in my life and I don't intend to start now. I think it would be very uncomfortable to be that heavy. Do you think I should end it with Hank before I get talked into something I don't want to do? -- SCALING BACK IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SCALING BACK: Recent medical studies have shown that a weight gain of even a few pounds can negatively affect one's health. Bearing that in mind, I think you should accept the fact that Hank does not have your best interests at heart -- and move on.
DEAR ABBY: My family never had much money, so when I turned 16 I started working -- giving up my holidays and summers. After graduating from high school, I decided to continue working full-time so I could live on my own and buy a car, rather than go to college.
I am now 22 and recently got laid off from my job of five years. The time feels right to finally complete my education.
My parents have been divorced since I was a baby, and my mother lives four hours away by plane. We talk on the phone once a week and are very close. Mom just got a job that pays well, and she's about to marry an extremely wealthy man who is also loving and kind.
When Mom and her fiance heard about my job layoff, he said he was more than willing to put me through college -- and the two of them offered to support me financially while I attend school full-time. I feel deep gratitude for their generosity.
Abby, what is the proper way to thank someone who is being so generous? Sign me ... THANKFUL IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR THANKFUL: Study hard and make them proud. And if they don't need to be repaid, extend that kindness and generosity to someone else in the future when you're well-established. Best of luck to you!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)