Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
REMEMBRANCES OF SEPTEMBER 11 ARE SHARED THROUGH COMMISSION
DEAR ABBY: How can people observe the first anniversary of Sept. 11 in a personal way with family and friends?
This question has been posed to the White House Commission on Remembrance by teenagers and seniors alike. In response, we have developed a special remembrance, centered on the theme "Stand With Courage."
Real courage is born of necessity in a crisis, exemplified by the actions displayed by the passengers on the fateful United Airlines Flight 93, or the men and women who ran up the stairs of the collapsing buildings in the call of duty. It is reflected in the bravery of the wives, husbands and children who have continued with their lives after the devastating loss of their loved ones.
Every one of us can observe the anniversary of the attacks by pausing for a personal moment of remembrance, which includes the symbolic ringing of a bell three times (once for each site) and an informal candlelight vigil. Suggestions for such a remembrance are available on the commission's Web site at www.remember.gov. These ideas include gathering with loved ones for dinner, saying a prayer for the families of those who died, driving with headlights illuminated or displaying the American flag.
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face," Eleanor Roosevelt once said. "You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"
We can continue to affirm our strength as a nation by renewing our faith and courage on this first anniversary of the attacks. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: I would like to join you in extending my deepest sympathy to the families and friends of the people who perished in the attacks on the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the plane that went down in Pennsylvania; also those brave souls who sacrificed their lives trying to rescue others on that horrific day.
As much as we might wish otherwise, we must be prepared for "the next thing that comes along." To me, that means also supporting those young men and women who have put their personal lives aside and have assumed roles in our military to protect us all from terrorism.
Often this has been done at great expense to themselves, as they put family lives and careers on hold in order to do it.
I have been told repeatedly that the greatest morale booster for our service members stationed far from home is mail call.
A simple and easy way to express our gratitude to these brave and idealistic men and women is to e-mail them a personal message of support via www.OperationDearAbby.net. This Web site is an official program of the Department of Defense, and is noncommercial.
People who don't know how to operate a computer can ask a friend who has one to help them do it, or they can go to a public library or computer store and ask for assistance.
Simply type in: www.OperationDearAbby.net, select "send a message," and start writing.
I'm reminded of a quote from President John F. Kennedy's inaugural address: "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
Today I would like to paraphrase it: Ask not what your country can do for you; ask instead what you can do for those courageous individuals who so selflessly and bravely serve our country.
Man's Virtual Cheating Does Real Damage to His Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I recently tried to retrieve my e-mail when my husband's e-mail account popped up. I noticed a few messages from one particular woman, and curiosity got the better of me. I opened them and discovered she and my husband have been chatting online. (His e-mail to her indicates they have "hot" conversations.)
When I confronted my husband, he said it only happened a few times. I told him it's a form of cheating. He insists it has nothing to do with his love for me -- that it is a fantasy thing. I don't care for his explanation, and I'm taking it personally.
I can't forget the things I read and I'm considering ending our marriage. Because he is not carrying on a physical relationship with someone doesn't mean his online relationship isn't as damaging. Do you agree? -- BETRAYED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR BETRAYED: Yes, I do. If your spouse is getting more off the Internet than information, you have every right to be upset. Your husband should be confiding his sexual fantasies to you -- not to some stranger on the Internet. Before ending your marriage, first try marriage counseling to see if it can be saved.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Hank," and I are thinking about being married next year. I am currently 20 pounds overweight. Last night, Hank said he wants me to gain more weight after we are married. He said if I weigh 300 pounds, it will turn him on sexually.
Abby, I have never weighed that much in my life and I don't intend to start now. I think it would be very uncomfortable to be that heavy. Do you think I should end it with Hank before I get talked into something I don't want to do? -- SCALING BACK IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SCALING BACK: Recent medical studies have shown that a weight gain of even a few pounds can negatively affect one's health. Bearing that in mind, I think you should accept the fact that Hank does not have your best interests at heart -- and move on.
DEAR ABBY: My family never had much money, so when I turned 16 I started working -- giving up my holidays and summers. After graduating from high school, I decided to continue working full-time so I could live on my own and buy a car, rather than go to college.
I am now 22 and recently got laid off from my job of five years. The time feels right to finally complete my education.
My parents have been divorced since I was a baby, and my mother lives four hours away by plane. We talk on the phone once a week and are very close. Mom just got a job that pays well, and she's about to marry an extremely wealthy man who is also loving and kind.
When Mom and her fiance heard about my job layoff, he said he was more than willing to put me through college -- and the two of them offered to support me financially while I attend school full-time. I feel deep gratitude for their generosity.
Abby, what is the proper way to thank someone who is being so generous? Sign me ... THANKFUL IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR THANKFUL: Study hard and make them proud. And if they don't need to be repaid, extend that kindness and generosity to someone else in the future when you're well-established. Best of luck to you!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
'Soul Mate' Turns Her Back on Man Facing Cancer Scare
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years. Two years ago, I met "Rita." She was "the girl of my dreams," and we moved in together. Our relationship was "unstoppable." My wife and I began divorce proceedings.
Three weeks ago, my doctor told me there was a good chance I had cancer. I needed more tests. I panicked and ran back to my wife and children. I wanted them to hear it from me. I told them I "might" get very sick from the disease and the treatment. I ended up going on a one-week vacation with my family. Rita said she understood I needed to be with them.
On the first day of vacation, I realized how much I missed Rita and decided to call her. There was no answer. When I called her the next day at her job, she said, "I have moved on," and hung up. I was shocked because she had always told me we were "soul mates and our love would never die." Now she won't give me the time of day and has threatened to notify the police if I keep calling.
Abby, the irony is -- I don't have cancer. It's four small cysts. At my suggestion, my wife agreed to e-mail Rita to tell her that I am not sick after all, and that she and I are not sleeping together. So far there has been no response from Rita.
Now I don't know what to do. I think Rita broke up with me not knowing all the facts. What do you think? -- HEALTHY AND UNHAPPY IN ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR HEALTHY AND UNHAPPY: The "girl of your dreams" turned out to be a nightmare, and you have failed to recognize a blessing in disguise. Rita wasn't planning to be with you for the long haul. Instead of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health," she planned on only "for better and in health." Thank heavens you found out before you invested anymore precious time in her.
DEAR ABBY: We are fast approaching the first anniversary of Sept. 11, 2001. For those who experienced the death of a loved one, the anniversary of that unforgettable day will rekindle feelings of profound loss and pain.
AARP has a 28-year history of bereavement support, and since Sept. 11 has developed new grief and loss programs and resources that are available to anyone, not just AARP members.
AARP's Web site, www.griefandloss.org, offers extensive information, resources and support, including chat rooms and discussion boards, consumer tips, online journaling and information on support groups and their locations. AARP also provides a wide range of publications in English and Spanish designed to reach all bereaved adults.
Abby, we are also offering your readers a free brochure titled, "Understanding the Grief Process." This brochure provides an overview of grief and loss, its unique impact, and resources to assist individuals and their families in the grief process. Readers can order their free copy (Order No. D16832) by calling our toll-free number: (800) 424-3410.
Together, we can help bereaved adults begin rebuilding their lives. -- SUSAN KOVAC ECKRICH, DIRECTOR, AARP GRIEF AND LOSS PROGRAMS
DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for your timely letter. Although your programs are intended for friends and families of people who died as a result of last year's terrorist attacks, I am sure they will also be helpful to many others who are struggling with the emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)