For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Friend Doesn't Know How to React to Lonely Widower
DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, a dear friend, "Mary," died, only four days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. I spent those four days in the hospital with her, sleeping in a chair by her bed at night.
Her husband, "Jim," was also by her side. He held her hand and spoke to her even though she could no longer speak due to the morphine that was controlling her pain. The time we spent at the hospital was only the second time I had met him. We talked for hours while we sat in Mary's room. I thought Jim was a very sweet man.
Last week, Jim said he wanted to see me. I didn't think much about it because I had helped him with some insurance documents. When we met, I was surprised when he expressed a desire to spend time with me.
Abby, I'm not sure Jim should be dating anyone at this time. I think he may be lonely. Any suggestions? -- E.H. IN VIRGINIA BEACH
DEAR E.H.: I agree that Jim is lonely, and it's too soon for him to make any important decisions. However, I see no reason why you and he can't see each other on a more or less platonic basis for a few months -- until the shock of losing his wife subsides. You appear to be a caring and sensible woman. He may -- or may not -- be transferring his feelings for Mary to you because you were such a good friend. Trust your judgment.
DEAR ABBY: I am 15. I just found out my father was married before he married my mother. He had a couple of kids with his first wife.
My parents are very upset that I know and are against my having any relationship with my half-siblings. I realize I didn't grow up with them, but it would be nice to meet them since I am an only child.
Can you think of anything I can do to convince my parents to let me talk to them? -- LONELY SIBLING IN NOVA SCOTIA
DEAR LONELY SIB: Not at this time. Since they are uncomfortable with your contacting your siblings, wait until you are 18.
Family secrets like the one you have described usually have a way of revealing themselves sooner or later. I don't know the circumstances of your father's divorce, but it's important to prepare yourself for the possibility that the children your dad left behind might not know about -- or want a relationship with -- you. It sometimes happens.
DEAR ABBY: "Vicki," my best friend for 30 years, is under a doctor's care. The trouble is, she's been lying to him about taking anti-depressants and painkillers while still consuming large amounts of alcohol. For the past six months, Vicki has pushed away all those who love her.
Abby, Vicki and I are treated by the same doctor. I was wondering if it would be breaking a trust to tell him what Vicki is doing. I think he should know. What do you think? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR WORRIED FRIEND: By all means tell your doctor about your concerns. Through some "routine" questions, the doctor will have the opportunity to intervene without revealing who tipped him off. Please don't wait. It could save your friend's life, because alcohol and prescription drugs can be a lethal combination.
Busy Volunteer Has Forgotten That Charity Begins at Home
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Brian," volunteers for a wide variety of extracurricular activities outside our home. Consequently, he never has time to do things around the house that I need him to do -- and believe me, I don't ask for much.
Last year, Brian elected to take charge of all social functions at his workplace. During the Christmas holidays, he became so immersed in his duties, we didn't even put up a Christmas tree at home. (I was laid up with a sprained ankle and couldn't do it.)
He has also volunteered to make monthly group lunches for his co-workers, yet he never lifts a finger in the kitchen at home. I feel like a broken record begging him to pitch in around the house, but what else can I do? -- WIFE OF VOLUNTEER OF THE YEAR IN MARYLAND
DEAR WIFE: Your husband appears to be using outside activities as a substitute for something that's missing at home. It's time you stopped "nudging" him and found out exactly what that is.
You can accomplish it faster through marriage counseling than beating around the bush, so stop nagging and ask your doctor for a referral. If Brian refuses to go, please go without him. You'll learn a great deal -- and that's a promise.
DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my brother, "Don," and husband, "Bill," worked at the same company. Bill found out that Don was stealing merchandise and reported it. Bill's supervisor reported it to the police, and my brother was charged with a misdemeanor and sentenced to some community service.
Don and my parents discovered that Bill was the one who snitched on him, and they haven't spoken to us since. Abby, this is tearing me apart. I want Bill to be a part of my family. He feels he did what he had to do. My family thinks Bill should have kept his mouth shut. What do you think? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR STUCK: Had your husband kept quiet about the fact your brother was looting the company, he would have been an accessory to the crime. It could have cost him his job -- or even jail time.
If your family persists in labeling your husband the villain, you and Bill should think twice about rejoining "the gang."
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-ager who recently found out my father had a child through adultery. I feel awful. Not because I found the paternity suit papers while "snooping" through my father's dresser drawers while he and my family were out of town, but because how this must affect my mother, his wife of more than 20 years.
Abby, I can't stand to even look at my father anymore. I've lost all respect for him. We visit the small town where my parents grew up, and I'm sure everyone knows about my father's "secret child."
I haven't confronted my father, mother or sister. I am hurt, confused and angry. They know something is wrong. I feel like I'm having an emotional breakdown. Should I ignore the situation because I have nothing to do with it? Is this even any of my business? -- DISTURBED TEEN IN ARIZONA
DEAR DISTURBED TEEN: It wasn't your business until you made it so. Since you are feeling awful -- and acting out -- it's time to tell your parents what you discovered. Look at it this way: You and your father may both find confession is good for the soul.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife's Life Has Never Been Better Since Her Husband Left
DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother and sister died within the past two years. My husband of 26 years suffered a great loss. Nine months ago, he walked out on me and our children. He said he was no longer in love with me and hasn't been for five years. He said he was confused and needed time away to think. He told me he was moving in with a guy from his office.
I learned that was a lie. He's been living in New Jersey with a woman he'd been seeing for months. He had treated me like dirt for years, but I loved him anyway, so I accepted it.
He called last night to say he wants to come home. Since he's been gone, I have turned my life around, and I've never been happier. I think I deserve to be with a person who values me -- and he deserves everything that's coming to him. My family and friends think I should take him back. Am I doing the right thing? -- DOUBTING IN DELAWARE
DEAR DOUBTING: Your family isn't going to have to live with him -- you are. He treated you like dirt for years and damaged your self-esteem. Only in his absence have you been able to rebuild it. Don't take him back unless you still want to after many months of marriage counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a wonderful man who has a well-mannered 8-year-old son, "Derek." We also have two young children of our own. My husband is supposed to see Derek every other weekend. The problem is, Derek visits our home every weekend because his mother is off "doing her own thing."
I don't mind having Derek around, but it makes me angry that his mother is using us as free baby sitters. If we refuse, she sends Derek to one of her low-life relatives. She even drops him off at our house when he has a temperature and is contagious.
My husband says he would rather have Derek with us than with her family, but I am growing resentful because I work and have my own children to care for. What do you think? -- FEELING USED IN CLEVELAND
DEAR FEELING USED: Derek is your husband's child, and the only stabilizing influences in his life are his father and you. None of this is his fault. You are in a position to make a huge difference in his life -- and he will love you for it. Please try harder not to resent him.
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and have been dating "Matt" for two years. We just started attending a small college together. Although I care for Matt, I am hoping that as our freshman year progresses, I can date other boys. (Matt is the only boy I have ever dated.) My mother is furious that Matt and I are attending the same school. She doesn't like him and has made it clear she wants me to break up with him.
Abby, should I tell Matt now that I want to date other people and just break up with him out of the blue? I tried to break up with him once before, and he became hysterical.
What should I do? -- STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR STRESSED: It would be beneficial for both of you to make a fresh start in college. Tell him you want to date others -- your mother demands it -- and that he should date others, too. If he becomes "hysterical" again, urge him to seek counseling at the student health center. He appears to need it because he is overly dependent on you, and that's not healthy for either of you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)