Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife's Life Has Never Been Better Since Her Husband Left
DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother and sister died within the past two years. My husband of 26 years suffered a great loss. Nine months ago, he walked out on me and our children. He said he was no longer in love with me and hasn't been for five years. He said he was confused and needed time away to think. He told me he was moving in with a guy from his office.
I learned that was a lie. He's been living in New Jersey with a woman he'd been seeing for months. He had treated me like dirt for years, but I loved him anyway, so I accepted it.
He called last night to say he wants to come home. Since he's been gone, I have turned my life around, and I've never been happier. I think I deserve to be with a person who values me -- and he deserves everything that's coming to him. My family and friends think I should take him back. Am I doing the right thing? -- DOUBTING IN DELAWARE
DEAR DOUBTING: Your family isn't going to have to live with him -- you are. He treated you like dirt for years and damaged your self-esteem. Only in his absence have you been able to rebuild it. Don't take him back unless you still want to after many months of marriage counseling.
DEAR ABBY: I am married to a wonderful man who has a well-mannered 8-year-old son, "Derek." We also have two young children of our own. My husband is supposed to see Derek every other weekend. The problem is, Derek visits our home every weekend because his mother is off "doing her own thing."
I don't mind having Derek around, but it makes me angry that his mother is using us as free baby sitters. If we refuse, she sends Derek to one of her low-life relatives. She even drops him off at our house when he has a temperature and is contagious.
My husband says he would rather have Derek with us than with her family, but I am growing resentful because I work and have my own children to care for. What do you think? -- FEELING USED IN CLEVELAND
DEAR FEELING USED: Derek is your husband's child, and the only stabilizing influences in his life are his father and you. None of this is his fault. You are in a position to make a huge difference in his life -- and he will love you for it. Please try harder not to resent him.
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and have been dating "Matt" for two years. We just started attending a small college together. Although I care for Matt, I am hoping that as our freshman year progresses, I can date other boys. (Matt is the only boy I have ever dated.) My mother is furious that Matt and I are attending the same school. She doesn't like him and has made it clear she wants me to break up with him.
Abby, should I tell Matt now that I want to date other people and just break up with him out of the blue? I tried to break up with him once before, and he became hysterical.
What should I do? -- STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR STRESSED: It would be beneficial for both of you to make a fresh start in college. Tell him you want to date others -- your mother demands it -- and that he should date others, too. If he becomes "hysterical" again, urge him to seek counseling at the student health center. He appears to need it because he is overly dependent on you, and that's not healthy for either of you.
Woman Should Stop Listening to Man With Sympathetic Ear
DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old single woman who has worked as a service dispatcher for the past four years. My longtime boyfriend died of cancer in January 2001.
My relationship with the techs at work is casual and friendly, but one has become very personal. I'll call him Mike. He has been with the company only since December, but we have become very close.
I told Mike about what I went through with my boyfriend's death. He was very understanding. Eventually we slept together. (I hadn't been with anyone since a year before my boyfriend died.)
What complicates things is that Mike is married. In the beginning, it sounded like a divorce was imminent, but since I slept with him, I'm not so sure.
I have tried to tell Mike I shouldn't see him anymore. He insists that he wants to be with me. My head tells me to break things off, but I feel deeply connected to him -- like I've known him forever, and I don't want to lose him.
He knew his wife only one month before they married 10 years ago. They now have two kids, 7 and 4. We haven't slept together other than that one time, but we spend every lunch with each other and time every day after work before Mike has to head home.
Are we having an affair, Abby? Should I feel bad for his wife? I see this man every day. I've told him I can't take this anymore, but he always talks me into keeping things as is. -- IN LOVE AND LOST, SOMEWHERE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR IN LOVE AND LOST: Yes, you are having an affair -- an emotional affair. And yes, you should feel bad for his wife. He is pouring time and energy into his relationship with you that rightfully should be directed to her and the children.
The only person who can help you out of this mess is you. Mike appears to like things just as they are. That's why he talks you into "keeping things as is." (What a salesman!)
You have experienced one great loss with the death of your boyfriend. It pains me to think about what awaits you when you finally realize that this relationship is going nowhere. Ask yourself how you will feel in another year -- or five, or 10 -- when things are still "as is."
Better to draw the line now. Trust me on that.
DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 28 and going to (maybe) be a father. The young woman he is with had an old boyfriend, so they are not sure whose baby it is. (She is staying friends with both men.)
This is my first grandbaby, and I am trying not to be too happy for fear the baby is not my son's. They are going to perform a test after the baby is born to see who the father is, but in the meantime, I want to give a baby shower. I have been sick and don't know how much time I have left.
Every baby deserves to have a shower. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTING TO BE A HAPPY GRANDMA
DEAR WANTING: Have the shower anyway, as a loving gesture toward somebody's grandchild. There's a 50/50 chance it's yours, and if it's not, you will have done a good deed.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Motorcyclist Without Helmet Is Tragedy Waiting to Happen
DEAR ABBY: I work in a hospital emergency room. The other day a patient arrived who had been in a motorcycle crash. He was not wearing a helmet. He had a 4-inch hole in his skull. He left behind a wife and small children.
Abby, I beg you to urge your readers who are motorcycle riders to please wear a helmet. If they won't do it for their own safety, they should do it for the people they love. The loss of this young man's life was a tragic waste. Thank you for spreading the message. -- HEALTH-CARE WORKER, EVERYCITY, U.S.A.
DEAR E.R. WORKER: I am pleased to pass along your message. Your letter triggered the memory of a conversation I had years ago with the late Bruce Conway, a former director of The Living Bank in Houston. We were chatting on the phone one day and the subject of the ideal candidate to be an organ donor came up. In his warm Texas drawl, he defined it short and sweet: "A 19-year-old male, riding a motorcycle and not wearing a helmet." I told him he sounded like a cross between Lyndon Johnson and Dracula.
Since we're on the subject of organ donations, read on:
DEAR ABBY: My father passed away two months ago. He was only 45. Mom and Dad were married for 25 years and had eight children.
Dad was diagnosed with hepatitis C about a year ago. After a year in and out of hospitals and being bedridden, he slipped into a coma, and we had to call an ambulance.
He went into cardiac arrest and was sent to ICU. The doctors told us there was nothing they could do, and they took him off life support.
My father didn't want to die. He didn't deserve to die. We had to wait for him to finally give up. It was horrible.
My father would have lived if he'd had a liver transplant. Abby, please ask your readers to donate their organs. It makes a huge difference in saving lives. My 3-year-old sister keeps asking when Daddy is coming home. She is too young to understand he never will. I don't think she'll even remember him.
My father's death has made me realize that when it is my time to go, any organ I can donate, I will. People should tell family members that they want to be an organ donor. -- DADDY'S GIRL IN WILLIS, TEXAS
DEAR DADDY'S GIRL: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your father. Organ donation is the ultimate gift of life one can give to another. However, it cannot be done without permission from the survivors, so it's vital that they be told in advance and that they agree.
Readers: The phone number for The Living Bank is (800) 528-2971. The Web address is www.livingbank.org.
DEAR ABBY: I am separated from my husband, "Keith," of 15 years. He is now living with his girlfriend. He comes over to our home every day to visit our three beautiful children.
I love him, Abby, but I just learned that Keith has two marriage licenses in his name -- one with me, and the other with his girlfriend. Isn't this bigamy? What should I do about it? -- HURTING BEYOND WORDS IN HOUSTON
DEAR HURTING: It sounds like bigamy to me. Whether you love him or not, you must protect your and your children's financial interests. I urge you to consult with an attorney as soon as possible to straighten out this mess.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)