For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Daughter Now in Good Hands Because Mom Planned Ahead
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl whose mother died 10 days after the attacks of Sept. 11. I never knew my father, so after Mom's death, I moved to Utah to live with my guardians and their three children.
My new family makes me feel comfortable and safe. I feel very lucky. The children are like my siblings. We all get along well, and I feel a real sense of belonging.
Although there have been difficulties adjusting to my new life, new school and new family, I have managed well with the help and support of my guardians -– especially my new sister.
Recently an adult friend asked me for advice regarding her own children. She was worried that if anything happened to her and her husband, the kids would end up in foster care.
My recommendation to her and to any parent is this: If at all possible, find a place with family or friends that you know your kids would feel safe and comfortable. Let them know that they would live there and be taken care of if anything happened to you. Above all, let the kids know how much they are loved.
Thanks for letting me share this with your readers, Abby. I love your column. -- ALL SETTLED IN, SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR ALL SETTLED IN: You are a courageous and mature young woman who has written a letter addressing a subject that's not often discussed because it's too painful. Your story is an important one. Sept. 11 has brought into focus the fact that the unthinkable CAN happen. All of us need to put our house in order –- especially if the household contains children.
Parents who haven't already done so should see an attorney to put their child custody plans in writing.
DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 11, 2001, our granddaughter, Christine Morrison, watched the tragedy unfold on television with the twin towers collapsing into heaps of dust. She went into her bedroom and wrote the poem that I have enclosed.
Her fourth-grade teacher thought it was so special she sent a copy to President Bush. Christine received a very special letter from Mrs. Bush thanking her for the poem.
We are proud of our talented granddaughter and hope you will find her words meaningful. -- LARUE AND HERB MORRISON, SALEM, OHIO
DEAR LARUE AND HERB: Your granddaughter embodies the determination of all our citizens to rebuild --- both physically and spiritually --- from the rubble of that horrific day. She's a strong and talented young girl who has already made a difference. Read on:
THE DUST OF SEPTEMBER
By Christine Morrison, Grade 4
The dust of September
The dust, the smoke, the clouds
from the dust of September.
The sadness, the sorrow, the darkness
from the dust of September.
The pretty sites are gone, the love, the death
from the dust of September.
The families, the lives taken away
by the dust of September.
Our country is sad, but our country still stands
in the dust of September.
Our flag still waves
through the dust of September.
We will never break, we will stand together
through the dust of September.
People hurt, hearts broken, but we survive
in the dust of September.
DEAR READERS: If Sept. 11 has taught us anything, it is how strong the people of this great country can be when they are called upon. To the families and friends who lost loved ones a year ago today, you are in the hearts of all Americans. Our prayers are with you.
Freeloading Neighbor May Be Seeking Cup of Kindness
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman whose neighbor comes over "no less than twice a day to borrow something" prompts my own. One sentence stood out that you might have missed: "Lately, I've been telling her I'm out of whatever she asks for, but she's always quick to ask for something else." Is it possible that the neighbor might be needing a friend? Sometimes reaching out and asking for something is an attempt at conversation and friendship. A shy person might think this is an effective way of communicating.
What if the writer were to walk over and ask to borrow something herself? I'd be interested to see if the neighbor invites her in. If so, maybe that's the type of hospitality she's looking for.
Abby, I think your advice was excellent for a pesky neighbor, but what if the person is someone who wasn't blessed with the social skills that you and I were -- and is only trying to make a friend? -- MARISA IN SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIF.
DEAR MARISA: Your point is well taken. However, it is my observation that people who approach with something to give are usually welcomed more quickly than those who habitually approach with an outstretched palm. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was also faced with neighbors who had more money and stamina than I. Believe me, they borrowed everything they could.
As the wife of a hard-working husband and the mother of eight children, I had to put a stop to it. When a woman asked to borrow my curlers, I asked her to leave something with me until I got them back, because "You know I will return them" never happens. I posted a note on my refrigerator that read: "If you want a cup of sugar, give me two potatoes. A can of tomatoes equals four eggs ..." etc.
This was such a popular idea that all the neighbors started swapping instead of borrowing. -- VINA ROY, MERRIMACK, N.H.
DEAR VINA: You're a clever lady. Swapping is better than constantly borrowing any day of the week.
DEAR ABBY: Did it occur to you that the "freeloader" could be one of the millions of one-check-away-from-the-street poor?
I grew up incredibly poor, and if it hadn't been for the kindness of our neighbors, I wouldn't have made it. One neighbor became a father figure to my siblings and me -- in addition to giving us milk.
I urge people not to turn their backs on their neighbors. The poor, the sick and the lonely need our support. What kind of a world would it be if we ignored those next door to us? Community is not just for the well-off.
Perhaps the writer of that letter should find out why her neighbor has no phone or anything else. Maybe she could help her. -- THANKFUL FOR THE KINDNESS OF NEIGHBORS, PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR THANKFUL: I agree that the poor, the sick and the lonely need support and shouldn't be ignored. But if the family is chronically needy, it seems to me that rather than doling out Ziploc bags and diet soda, it would be far more helpful to put the person in touch with social services or a church group that could help them fix the problem instead of putting a Band-Aid over the symptoms.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WOMAN SEES AN OPPORTUNITY TO BREAK BAD LUCK AT LOVE
DEAR ABBY: I am a 35-year-old single woman who has had terrible luck with men. I've always been attracted to great-looking guys who turn out to be complete jerks.
I have recently started to get to know a man who works for the same company, but in another city. We talk on the phone several times a week because of our jobs. He is nice, kind and has a big heart. We finally met last week. I introduced myself and we talked like old friends. We didn't even realize there were other people in the room. He called me the other day and asked me out. I'm really excited about it.
Here's the catch: My co-workers tell me not to go out with him. They say he is not "my type" -- that he's not good-looking enough. Abby, I want to go out with him and get to know him better. His looks don't matter to me. (I think he may be "the one.") I love my co-workers and usually care what they think. Now I don't know what to do. Help! -- LOOKING FOR LOVE, NOT LOOKS
DEAR LOOKING: "They" won't have to live with him. You will -- if he is indeed "the one." And remember, real beauty is from within.
Go out with him and get to know him, but take plenty of time before deciding he's your Prince Charming. First impressions can be misleading. Love may be blind, so use your head in addition to your heart, and you won't go wrong.
DEAR ABBY: Last summer, before we were married, my fiance, "Justin," and I had a conversation that led to him telling me that he thought my mother was prettier and more sexually attractive than I am. I was devastated. I am the spitting image of my mother. He later apologized for what he said and we moved on. However, it took me months to regain my self-esteem to a point where I could even look at myself in the mirror.
Justin has always been the type to prefer older women. In fact, he has dated several. (He is 6 1/2 years older than I am.) I cannot help but feel he would rather be with my mom. It doesn't help matters that my mother is the biggest flirt I know. She flirts constantly with Justin, and when I confront her about it, she tells me I am "overreacting."
Even now, after more than a year, I still get bouts of depression that leave me feeling worthless. Although I know he loves me, I feel he will never look at me and see someone as sexy and beautiful as my mother. What do I need to do to get over this? -- HURTING IN CANADA
DEAR HURTING: You need to get counseling, because you must come to terms with your relationship with your competitive and insecure mother and the damage she has done to your self-esteem.
You ARE the one your husband wants to be with. But I don't think you will truly accept that fact until you have resolved, with professional help, your relationship with your mother. Please don't wait. You'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: I am planning to propose to my girlfriend of five years. Do I need to ask her father's permission? And when is the appropriate time to do so? -- JACK IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JACK: Asking the girl's father for permission to marry her is a charming but somewhat outdated custom.
First, ask your girlfriend -- and then the two of you should approach her parents with the happy news.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)