Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Eduardo," and I have been a couple for nearly four years. We plan to marry in 2004.
Eduardo's parents ("Maribell and Guillermo") have had their share of marital problems but have remained together. My father died six years ago, and my mother raised my sister and me by herself. She is an attractive woman with high standards who chose not to date until last year.
Our "combined family" has always enjoyed getting together on birthdays and holidays. However, recently Guillermo has been hitting on my mother! He stares at her, vies for her attention, and makes no secret of the fact that he loves to be near her.
My mother is not -- and would never be -- interested in him, especially since she and Maribell have become close friends.
I think the behavior of Eduardo's dad is out-and-out inappropriate, but if I mention it to Eduardo, he refuses to acknowledge there's a problem. He insists his father would never behave "like that." Eduardo won't discuss it with me anymore and refuses to bring it up with his dad.
Should I approach my future father-in-law myself, Abby? If so, exactly what should be said? I don't want to say anything to Maribell because if she hasn't already noticed her husband's behavior, it would only hurt her. Please share any suggestions you have. -- DISTRESSED AND DISTURBED
DEAR D AND D: You say your mother is attractive and has high standards. I'm sure this isn't the first time since your father's death that a man has "put the moves" on her.
Rather than involving yourself in this delicate situation, let her speak up for herself in putting Guillermo in his place.
DEAR ABBY: I surprised myself. I seduced a man not long ago, with the sole intent of having a one-night affair. We agreed that we didn't want to get seriously involved at the time.
Well, the one-night affair turned into six encounters in three weeks, and it is very enjoyable on a physical level. The problem is, the sexual aspect is all there is. I would like to go out and have fun, like the night I met him. I have brought this up, yet the subject remains unanswered.
How do I firmly express that I want more without him thinking that I'm looking for a relationship? -- ASKING TOO MUCH IN CHICAGO
DEAR ASKING TOO MUCH: But you ARE asking for a relationship -- you want to make plans, go out and have fun. That's a lot more than the one-night stand you indicated to him that you wanted. The irony is, you are getting more -- and less -- than you asked for.
Tell him straight out in plain English what you want. But don't be surprised if he's unwilling to cooperate. You're changing the rules after the game has started.
DEAR ABBY: I am a new stepfather to two adorable girls, ages 4 and 7. I explained to them that I am their stepfather -- but they call me Dad or Daddy anyway.
Their father heard them call me Daddy, and he's extremely upset. He is accusing me of "undermining his importance."
Abby, what should the girls call me -- and how do I handle this overbearing father? -- INSTANT FAMILY IN CENTRAL CALIFORNIA
DEAR INSTANT FAMILY: The girls should call you anything they wish. However, ask them to come up with several new options, and you pick the one you like best.
When the girls and you have decided on a new name, your problem with their father should disappear.
DEAR ABBY: I read that letter from the widower who wondered when to tell his new lady friend that he was unable to fulfill his "bedroom duties." As a single woman in my 50s, please let him know he is not alone in his difficulties. I've learned that as men age, sexual problems become more frequent due to diabetes, heart attacks, prostate trouble and other health problems.
Research shows that couples in their 80s and 90s enjoy sex. Sex is what you make it -- it doesn't have to be intercourse to be enjoyable. Our lives and bodies change with age, so why not our view of sexual pleasure? We should work with what's available.
Men need to communicate openly and honestly with the women in their lives. Doctors need to be aware of how traumatic this is for couples and offer advice, bringing the subject up rather than waiting for the men to bring it to their attention. Some men are too shy or embarrassed to initiate the discussion. Sex is a basic human need, and there is no time line for it. -- A LAS VEGAS READER
DEAR READER: I'm sure you won't be surprised to know that I received hundreds of letters and e-mails from men and women offering support to the writer of that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I applaud you for encouraging that man to seek medical treatment for his problem, as there are, indeed, many new treatments available for erectile dysfunction (E.D.).
However, I want your readers to also know that even if E.D. is untreatable, one's bedroom activities need not be over. The brain is the most important sexual organ that we humans possess, and extending from there, the human imagination offers any number of wonderful ways to express erotic love for our partners.
I would advise that gentleman not only to explore further treatment but also his own and his partner's creativity. There's more than one way for that gentleman to be a red-hot lover to his lady. -- TONY IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR TONY: I agree!
DEAR ABBY: If the widows I know had that man's address, there would be a stampede to his door. Most of the women in my circle who are older than 65 just want dinner and the theater and a peck on the cheek at the door. I'm sure you know this to be true. -- LOIS IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR LOIS: Some do; many don't. That's why I never generalize.
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I was impotent. I was seeing a wonderful woman who, when she learned of my problem, told me, "We'll face it together." With my best friend and soul mate, I found that intimacy and affection are not an X-rated movie. Love is much more important than that.
I later saw a doctor and overcame my problem, but in that time of difficulty, I learned more about love than I had in any of my 40-odd years. If the woman that widower in San Diego loves cannot accept reality, then I hope he can take comfort in knowing there are women in the world who can. I have been there, and I am grateful for my best friend. -- LONGTIME READER
DEAR LONGTIME READER: Although we live in a sex-drenched culture, not everyone has the same appetite, ability or enthusiasm for it. While sex is an important part of a relationship to many people, sex itself is not enough to keep a relationship going. And I have received thousands of letters from readers over the years that prove it.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Couple Worries That Absence Won't Make Hearts Grow Fonder
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend, "Hoyt," for just under two years. I am 17 and he is 19. We have a wonderful relationship. We laugh, cry, fight, and every day seem to grow together as a couple. We love each other very much and want to be together for the rest of our lives. But there's a problem:
We are at a point where we need to focus on our futures. Ideally for me, I'd spend four years at an East Coast art school. Hoyt needs to stay on the West Coast and develop his musical career. We want to be together, but we also know it's important for each of us to develop our talents to the fullest.
Hoyt wants me to go to art school, and I want him to be the professional musician he dreams of being. However, the thought of being 3,000 miles away from each other for four years scares and depresses us both.
Abby, do you think it is possible for us to follow our dreams without losing the love we have for each other? -- FOUND TRUE LOVE IN OREGON
DEAR FOUND TRUE LOVE: I certainly do. With your level of maturity and concern for each other's futures, you can make a long-distance romance work. You can communicate via e-mail, phone calls and letters, and see each other on vacations and holidays. Sharing how you are each progressing toward your dreams will draw you closer.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance's 13-year-old daughter, "Cameron," stays in our home one night a week and every other weekend. She has decided to hang in her bedroom a huge framed picture of her parents taken on their wedding day. (Her mother has since remarried.)
I suggested to my fiance that perhaps Cameron could put the picture up in her room at her mother's, since seeing it every day is annoying for me.
My fiance says I am out of line even to suggest such a thing -- that it's Cameron's bedroom, and what's the big deal, anyway?
No doubt her mother wouldn't allow it being displayed in her home, as it would be disrespectful to her current husband. Well, I don't want it up in our home, because I consider it disrespectful to me.
Am I out of line, Abby? Please help settle this. -- TICKED OFF IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
DEAR TICKED-OFF: I agree with your fiance. Cameron's bedroom is her private refuge, and as long as it's kept clean, it should be the way she wants it. And that includes the picture of both of her parents taken in happier days. I urge you to rethink your stance on this, and to develop a more loving and tolerant relationship with your fiance's daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I am an older bachelor who recently moved into a new home. I invited my neighbors -- a young married couple -- over for a home-cooked meal. They brought with them a lovely bottle of wine.
I plan my dinners down to the last detail -- including selecting just the right wine to go with the meal. To make a long story short, I did not serve the wine my guests brought for our dinner.
After thanking me for a wonderful meal and a delightful evening, they took the bottle of wine they had given me and went home! I didn't say anything, but am I wrong to be appalled by their rude behavior? -- MR. NICE GUY IN TULSA
DEAR MR. NICE GUY: Give your neighbors the benefit of the doubt. Although you were under no obligation to serve their wine with the meal you carefully planned, they are a young couple and may have thought you didn't like their selection.
Yes, they should have left the bottle as a house gift -- but please don't let that ruin a budding friendship.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)