For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 40-something female personnel recruiter. I have worked for the same company for many years. Once or twice a year, our employers host a party for all employees and their spouses. I love going because it gives me a chance to get to know the wives of the men I work with.
The problem is my husband, "Brad," hates going to these events. Brad claims he has nothing in common with my fellow employees -- or their spouses -- and doesn't feel comfortable mingling. I say he should be able to find something to talk about with someone. He has accompanied me for umpteen years and happens to be in the same profession as a number of the spouses. And then there's always sports -- that's a subject he could talk about in his sleep.
When Brad has gone with me in the past, he has always complained afterward that I didn't pay enough attention to him and that he felt awkward being left alone. I do circulate, but always try to introduce Brad around and bring him into the conversation with people he's meeting for the first time.
This year, he's insisting I go alone, and I'm very disappointed. I would hate to have to lie to my employers and co-workers as to why I'm there solo, but I could never tell them the truth about why Brad didn't want to come.
What irks me is that I'm willing to go with him to his work parties, even if I feel uncomfortable and just stand around with a frozen smile on my face. At least I'm there for my husband. So why can't Brad do the same for me, Abby? Am I wrong to push this issue -- or should I throw in the towel and go without him? -- TROUBLED WIFE IN RIVERHEAD, N.Y.
DEAR TROUBLED WIFE: Your husband has "done the same for you" and it hasn't worked out. He's miserable. Out of the kindness of your heart, go solo this year. I'm sure he'll be grateful. If you are asked about his absence, tell your co-workers that "Brad has other plans." You don't have to say his plans include watching TV in his pajamas. And if anyone asks to be remembered to your husband -- relay the message. Perhaps if he knows someone missed him, he'll feel more comfortable attending next year.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Tony," my 36-year-old never-married boyfriend, for two years. I am divorced with a teenage daughter, "Skylar."
Every summer Tony's entire family gets together at his parents' lakeshore home. Last year I went with him for a long weekend, but didn't take my daughter. This year, however, I've been invited for a week, and I'd like to bring Skylar along.
The problem is Tony's mother doesn't want my daughter to come. She says her three granddaughters need to bond with each other, and if Skylar were included in the visit, the "mix" wouldn't work.
Abby, those girls are the same age as Skylar. They have all met previously and they like each other. Naturally, I'm not going now. Tony will be leaving soon for the weeklong stay, and he doesn't understand why I'm upset over this. Do you think my feelings are justified? -- MAD IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR MAD: Absolutely. The refusal of Tony's mother to accept your daughter is a veiled rejection of you. Even if you and Tony were to marry, his mother would still try to create a wedge between the girls, because she views Skylar as an outsider. Until Tony finds the backbone to stand up to his mother, you'd be wise to rethink the relationship.
WIFE WHO MARRIED MAN OF HER DREAMS NOW LIVES A NIGHTMARE
DEAR ABBY: In 1982, I married the man of my dreams. In 1995, he had an affair with our son's fourth-grade teacher. In 1997, he moved our family 2,300 miles away from our relatives and friends. Early in 2001, he met a woman on the Internet and began an affair. Late in 2001, he walked out, abandoning his family physically and financially.
Abby, please answer these questions:
1. Do you think he will do the same to the woman he is with now?
2. Will he ever fully understand what he has done and what he has lost? (Our children are devastated.)
3. Do you think one day he will want to come home? (My friends think he will, but if he does, I wouldn't know what to do.)
Thanks for your advice. -- BETRAYED IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR BETRAYED:
1. Probably.
2. Probably not, since he appears to be without a conscience.
3. Only if his other relationships don't work out.
If your (former) husband should return, my advice would be to maintain your emotional and financial independence, because he has proved three times that you cannot depend on him.
DEAR ABBY: I was married less than two months ago. My husband, parents and I paid for everything. We had a tight budget, so my bridesmaids paid for their own dresses and hairstyles. My friend "Misty" was in the wedding. She was paired to walk down the aisle with one of my husband's best friends, "Stu." Misty and Stu hit it off, and as a result, they are being married in the fall.
My husband and I have not been asked to be in their wedding. We are very disappointed since we were the matchmakers.
Misty has now asked to borrow the very expensive crinoline that I bought and wore under my wedding dress. She claims her budget is tight and she can't afford one. The truth is, she's having a much larger wedding than mine, with all the extras I couldn't afford.
I want to tell Misty that she can't borrow my crinoline, but I feel pressured to come up with a good excuse. What do you think, Abby? Do you think I'm being selfish? -- NEW BRIDE IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR NEW BRIDE: I understand you are hurt not to be in the wedding, but take the high road. Lend her your crinoline. The chances of your wearing it again are slim, unless there's a drastic change in fashion trends. When you get it back, it will be twice blessed, and you will be a bigger person for having lent it.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago I had my name legally changed. I never liked the first name I was given, so I feel good about the fact that I did something about it.
My problem is people keep asking me why I changed my name, and I can't come up with a good response. I know why I did it, but I don't think I owe an explanation to anyone.
Abby, is there a simple answer for someone who asks without having to offer a long, drawn-out explanation? -- A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
DEAR ROSE: Simply say, "I prefer this one. I see myself more of a 'Betty' than a 'Laura'" -– then change the subject.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: "Dennis" and I were together for the better part of seven years. We had many ups and downs during that time, including the devastating loss of our 5-year-old son, "Dennis Jr." Soon after our son's death, I hurt Dennis deeply by leaving him for another man. While I don't excuse my behavior, it was a hard time for me after our son's passing.
I moved to another city for six months and then returned to my hometown. It's been two years since I've been back. My problem is I am still in love with Dennis –- but he is in a relationship with another woman.
When I told Dennis of my feelings for him, he told me he still loves me as much as ever and will never be in love with the woman he is with. In the same breath, he told me that he cannot be with me because he doesn't want to be hurt again. Since that time, Dennis makes an effort to be at the home of mutual friends whenever he knows I will be there. He has also visited my home, told me he loves me, embraced and kissed me.
My question: Why does he continue to say these things knowing my feelings for him? I find it more and more difficult to get on with my life. I feel as though he is playing with my emotions. -- CONFUSED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONFUSED: Dennis has had two terrible losses: the loss of your beloved son, and you, when you left him for the other man. He has control now and won't give it up. It is his way of protecting himself against being hurt further. If you want an exclusive relationship with him, he may be unable to give you one. Bear that in mind when planning your future.
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old and have been engaged to "Leon" for five months. Recently I started having doubts about whether or not he's the right guy for me.
Leon and I have been together about two years, and my fear is that I have pressured him into proposing because all my friends were getting married.
Frankly, I'm scared to tell my fiance what I'm feeling, because I don't want to hurt him. If we cancel our wedding, we will lose the deposits we've placed for many of the wedding services –- even though our wedding date is a year away.
To further complicate matters, we planned on taking Leon's little sister on a trip to Orlando with my family this December, and it would crush her if we called it off. (The plane tickets have already been purchased.)
Please help me, Abby. I'm so confused. -- UNSURE BRIDE-TO-BE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UNSURE: No matter how much you might lose in security deposits, it's a drop in the bucket compared to what you will lose if you marry someone you don't love or want to spend a lifetime with.
Cancel the engagement now, and let the December vacation take care of itself. You'll know what to do when the time comes. Just because an engagement hasn't worked out doesn't mean you can't be friends with his sister.
P.S. If Leon felt pressured into proposing, he may be as relieved as you are when you give him the news.
WORTH REMEMBERING: A sign in the late Tip O'Neill's office read: "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." (submitted by Andrew W. Hanley)
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)