What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
WIFE WHO MARRIED MAN OF HER DREAMS NOW LIVES A NIGHTMARE
DEAR ABBY: In 1982, I married the man of my dreams. In 1995, he had an affair with our son's fourth-grade teacher. In 1997, he moved our family 2,300 miles away from our relatives and friends. Early in 2001, he met a woman on the Internet and began an affair. Late in 2001, he walked out, abandoning his family physically and financially.
Abby, please answer these questions:
1. Do you think he will do the same to the woman he is with now?
2. Will he ever fully understand what he has done and what he has lost? (Our children are devastated.)
3. Do you think one day he will want to come home? (My friends think he will, but if he does, I wouldn't know what to do.)
Thanks for your advice. -- BETRAYED IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR BETRAYED:
1. Probably.
2. Probably not, since he appears to be without a conscience.
3. Only if his other relationships don't work out.
If your (former) husband should return, my advice would be to maintain your emotional and financial independence, because he has proved three times that you cannot depend on him.
DEAR ABBY: I was married less than two months ago. My husband, parents and I paid for everything. We had a tight budget, so my bridesmaids paid for their own dresses and hairstyles. My friend "Misty" was in the wedding. She was paired to walk down the aisle with one of my husband's best friends, "Stu." Misty and Stu hit it off, and as a result, they are being married in the fall.
My husband and I have not been asked to be in their wedding. We are very disappointed since we were the matchmakers.
Misty has now asked to borrow the very expensive crinoline that I bought and wore under my wedding dress. She claims her budget is tight and she can't afford one. The truth is, she's having a much larger wedding than mine, with all the extras I couldn't afford.
I want to tell Misty that she can't borrow my crinoline, but I feel pressured to come up with a good excuse. What do you think, Abby? Do you think I'm being selfish? -- NEW BRIDE IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR NEW BRIDE: I understand you are hurt not to be in the wedding, but take the high road. Lend her your crinoline. The chances of your wearing it again are slim, unless there's a drastic change in fashion trends. When you get it back, it will be twice blessed, and you will be a bigger person for having lent it.
DEAR ABBY: A year ago I had my name legally changed. I never liked the first name I was given, so I feel good about the fact that I did something about it.
My problem is people keep asking me why I changed my name, and I can't come up with a good response. I know why I did it, but I don't think I owe an explanation to anyone.
Abby, is there a simple answer for someone who asks without having to offer a long, drawn-out explanation? -- A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME
DEAR ROSE: Simply say, "I prefer this one. I see myself more of a 'Betty' than a 'Laura'" -– then change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: "Dennis" and I were together for the better part of seven years. We had many ups and downs during that time, including the devastating loss of our 5-year-old son, "Dennis Jr." Soon after our son's death, I hurt Dennis deeply by leaving him for another man. While I don't excuse my behavior, it was a hard time for me after our son's passing.
I moved to another city for six months and then returned to my hometown. It's been two years since I've been back. My problem is I am still in love with Dennis –- but he is in a relationship with another woman.
When I told Dennis of my feelings for him, he told me he still loves me as much as ever and will never be in love with the woman he is with. In the same breath, he told me that he cannot be with me because he doesn't want to be hurt again. Since that time, Dennis makes an effort to be at the home of mutual friends whenever he knows I will be there. He has also visited my home, told me he loves me, embraced and kissed me.
My question: Why does he continue to say these things knowing my feelings for him? I find it more and more difficult to get on with my life. I feel as though he is playing with my emotions. -- CONFUSED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONFUSED: Dennis has had two terrible losses: the loss of your beloved son, and you, when you left him for the other man. He has control now and won't give it up. It is his way of protecting himself against being hurt further. If you want an exclusive relationship with him, he may be unable to give you one. Bear that in mind when planning your future.
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old and have been engaged to "Leon" for five months. Recently I started having doubts about whether or not he's the right guy for me.
Leon and I have been together about two years, and my fear is that I have pressured him into proposing because all my friends were getting married.
Frankly, I'm scared to tell my fiance what I'm feeling, because I don't want to hurt him. If we cancel our wedding, we will lose the deposits we've placed for many of the wedding services –- even though our wedding date is a year away.
To further complicate matters, we planned on taking Leon's little sister on a trip to Orlando with my family this December, and it would crush her if we called it off. (The plane tickets have already been purchased.)
Please help me, Abby. I'm so confused. -- UNSURE BRIDE-TO-BE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UNSURE: No matter how much you might lose in security deposits, it's a drop in the bucket compared to what you will lose if you marry someone you don't love or want to spend a lifetime with.
Cancel the engagement now, and let the December vacation take care of itself. You'll know what to do when the time comes. Just because an engagement hasn't worked out doesn't mean you can't be friends with his sister.
P.S. If Leon felt pressured into proposing, he may be as relieved as you are when you give him the news.
WORTH REMEMBERING: A sign in the late Tip O'Neill's office read: "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." (submitted by Andrew W. Hanley)
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Ex Wife's Steady Hand Guides Widow Through Man's Funeral
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Still Upset in Florida," who shared how painful it was when her husband's ex-wife (of 13 years) took over and dominated his funeral.
My parents had been married 20 years, then divorced for 17 when my father died suddenly in an accident. My stepmother (of 10 years) had an extremely hard time coping emotionally and was unable to plan Dad's funeral. My six siblings and I are all adults, so together we planned the funeral, and my mother (Dad's first wife) arranged for the flowers.
At the viewing, my stepmother entered and was noticeably upset as she approached the coffin. My mother went to her, put her arm around her, walked her to Dad's coffin and held her long enough for her to get her bearings. Mom then backed off to give my stepmother her time alone with Dad.
When it was time to close the casket, the eight beautiful roses Mom had arranged to be placed on top were given to my six siblings and me. The eighth rose went not to my Mom, but to my stepmother -- just as Mom had planned.
I realized my mother was able to be there for her children and Dad's current wife. Ex-wives aren't always the monsters they're portrayed to be. Sometimes they can be a blessing. -- PROUD SON IN BURBANK, CALIF.
DEAR PROUD SON: I agree. However, much depends upon the circumstances of the divorce and the level of maturity of the individuals involved. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old son's father, "Hal," passed away last summer due to complications of surgery. Hal and I were never married and had not lived together for seven years. My son and Hal had a close and loving relationship.
Hal's family did not consult me or my son as to whether or not he wanted to participate in his father's funeral. We attended, keeping a low profile and my mouth shut. After the services, I asked for a private viewing so my son could have closure. Hal's mother refused and became belligerent.
I realize some adults react poorly to death, especially sudden deaths, but when there are young children involved, someone has to remember what's best for them and let go of personal grievances. -- MARY IN CATSKILL, N.Y.
DEAR MARY: It's regrettable, but funerals sometimes bring out the worst in people. When people are in pain they are not at their best.
DEAR ABBY: My husband was unfaithful to me for 15 years. When he died, his girlfriend and her family came to the mortuary with a huge basket of flowers and sat by the casket.
My daughter instructed the funeral director to remove the flowers, the girlfriend and her family from the funeral home. -- NOT-SO-GRIEVING WIDOW
DEAR WIDOW: For your husband's mistress and her family to have made such a public show of what had been a private affair (literally) was in the worst possible taste. She should have paid her respects privately at the grave after you and your child -- or children -- had left.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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