WORTH REMEMBERING: A sign in the late Tip O'Neill's office read: "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." (submitted by Andrew W. Hanley)
DEAR ABBY: "Dennis" and I were together for the better part of seven years. We had many ups and downs during that time, including the devastating loss of our 5-year-old son, "Dennis Jr." Soon after our son's death, I hurt Dennis deeply by leaving him for another man. While I don't excuse my behavior, it was a hard time for me after our son's passing.
I moved to another city for six months and then returned to my hometown. It's been two years since I've been back. My problem is I am still in love with Dennis –- but he is in a relationship with another woman.
When I told Dennis of my feelings for him, he told me he still loves me as much as ever and will never be in love with the woman he is with. In the same breath, he told me that he cannot be with me because he doesn't want to be hurt again. Since that time, Dennis makes an effort to be at the home of mutual friends whenever he knows I will be there. He has also visited my home, told me he loves me, embraced and kissed me.
My question: Why does he continue to say these things knowing my feelings for him? I find it more and more difficult to get on with my life. I feel as though he is playing with my emotions. -- CONFUSED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR CONFUSED: Dennis has had two terrible losses: the loss of your beloved son, and you, when you left him for the other man. He has control now and won't give it up. It is his way of protecting himself against being hurt further. If you want an exclusive relationship with him, he may be unable to give you one. Bear that in mind when planning your future.
DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old and have been engaged to "Leon" for five months. Recently I started having doubts about whether or not he's the right guy for me.
Leon and I have been together about two years, and my fear is that I have pressured him into proposing because all my friends were getting married.
Frankly, I'm scared to tell my fiance what I'm feeling, because I don't want to hurt him. If we cancel our wedding, we will lose the deposits we've placed for many of the wedding services –- even though our wedding date is a year away.
To further complicate matters, we planned on taking Leon's little sister on a trip to Orlando with my family this December, and it would crush her if we called it off. (The plane tickets have already been purchased.)
Please help me, Abby. I'm so confused. -- UNSURE BRIDE-TO-BE IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UNSURE: No matter how much you might lose in security deposits, it's a drop in the bucket compared to what you will lose if you marry someone you don't love or want to spend a lifetime with.
Cancel the engagement now, and let the December vacation take care of itself. You'll know what to do when the time comes. Just because an engagement hasn't worked out doesn't mean you can't be friends with his sister.
P.S. If Leon felt pressured into proposing, he may be as relieved as you are when you give him the news.
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Ex Wife's Steady Hand Guides Widow Through Man's Funeral
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Still Upset in Florida," who shared how painful it was when her husband's ex-wife (of 13 years) took over and dominated his funeral.
My parents had been married 20 years, then divorced for 17 when my father died suddenly in an accident. My stepmother (of 10 years) had an extremely hard time coping emotionally and was unable to plan Dad's funeral. My six siblings and I are all adults, so together we planned the funeral, and my mother (Dad's first wife) arranged for the flowers.
At the viewing, my stepmother entered and was noticeably upset as she approached the coffin. My mother went to her, put her arm around her, walked her to Dad's coffin and held her long enough for her to get her bearings. Mom then backed off to give my stepmother her time alone with Dad.
When it was time to close the casket, the eight beautiful roses Mom had arranged to be placed on top were given to my six siblings and me. The eighth rose went not to my Mom, but to my stepmother -- just as Mom had planned.
I realized my mother was able to be there for her children and Dad's current wife. Ex-wives aren't always the monsters they're portrayed to be. Sometimes they can be a blessing. -- PROUD SON IN BURBANK, CALIF.
DEAR PROUD SON: I agree. However, much depends upon the circumstances of the divorce and the level of maturity of the individuals involved. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My 8-year-old son's father, "Hal," passed away last summer due to complications of surgery. Hal and I were never married and had not lived together for seven years. My son and Hal had a close and loving relationship.
Hal's family did not consult me or my son as to whether or not he wanted to participate in his father's funeral. We attended, keeping a low profile and my mouth shut. After the services, I asked for a private viewing so my son could have closure. Hal's mother refused and became belligerent.
I realize some adults react poorly to death, especially sudden deaths, but when there are young children involved, someone has to remember what's best for them and let go of personal grievances. -- MARY IN CATSKILL, N.Y.
DEAR MARY: It's regrettable, but funerals sometimes bring out the worst in people. When people are in pain they are not at their best.
DEAR ABBY: My husband was unfaithful to me for 15 years. When he died, his girlfriend and her family came to the mortuary with a huge basket of flowers and sat by the casket.
My daughter instructed the funeral director to remove the flowers, the girlfriend and her family from the funeral home. -- NOT-SO-GRIEVING WIDOW
DEAR WIDOW: For your husband's mistress and her family to have made such a public show of what had been a private affair (literally) was in the worst possible taste. She should have paid her respects privately at the grave after you and your child -- or children -- had left.
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Grandmother's Murder Sparks Ongoing Strife Within Family
DEAR ABBY: My widowed grandmother was recently murdered in a home invasion. My father (her son) wanted my family and me (my children are 5 and 9) to come immediately. I wanted to leave the kids at home because we live in another state and it's a six-hour drive. Dad insisted their presence would be helpful.
We made the decision not to take the children with us. When we were en route, we discovered that the family was gathering at my grandmother's home -- where she had been murdered.
When my parents found out that we hadn't brought the kids, they became very angry with me and have not spoken to me since the memorial service. Was I wrong not to take the kids to Grandma's home for what became a three-day gathering before the funeral?
I confess it upset me considerably when I arrived at my grandmother's home two days after the tragedy and saw the bullet holes, the closed door to her bedroom where she was murdered, and heard the constant discussion about the police investigation. However, if you think I should, I will beg for my parents' forgiveness. -- DONNA IN ATLANTA
DEAR DONNA: You do not owe anyone an apology. I see nothing positive that could have been gained by exposing a 5-year-old and 9-year-old to the horror of the crime scene. Had they expressed a desire to attend their great-grandmother's funeral, they should have been allowed to do so. However, that's a far cry from seeing the reality of how she died. Something like that could scar a child for a lifetime.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been going together for two years. I love him, but am worried because he is a drug dealer. He is obsessed with making money and says he's going to be selling drugs forever.
Abby, I'm afraid he's going to get caught and go to jail -- and because I am always with him, I will go to jail, too. I've begged him to stop, but he won't. I'm so afraid of being with him and getting arrested, but I love him and can't leave him. What should I do? -- IN LOVE WITH A PUSHER
DEAR IN LOVE WITH A PUSHER: Leave him. Run. It's only a matter of time before he gets caught and you wind up in prison as an accessory. There are worse things than a broken heart. Two of them are: having everything you own confiscated by the government because you were busted for selling and abetting the sale of drugs -- and serving time in prison. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: It was a special delight for me to read your July 4 column concerning the Cub Scout activity called the Pinewood Derby.
I invented the derby in the early 1950s for the purpose of fostering a father-and-son project for the Cub Scouts. The first derby was held in a small scout house in Manhattan Beach, Calif., on May 15, 1953. We will celebrate our 50th anniversary next year! Since its inception, millions of Cub Scouts and parents worldwide have participated.
I would like to express thanks to all the parents and grandparents for their dedicated involvement in the derby over the years. A second round of applause to the moms who have participated with and encouraged their children. -- DON MURPHY, TORRANCE, CALIF.
DEAR DON: You deserve to take a bow for conceiving such a helpful program, which seems to have taken off and assumed a life of its own.
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