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Grandmother's Murder Sparks Ongoing Strife Within Family
DEAR ABBY: My widowed grandmother was recently murdered in a home invasion. My father (her son) wanted my family and me (my children are 5 and 9) to come immediately. I wanted to leave the kids at home because we live in another state and it's a six-hour drive. Dad insisted their presence would be helpful.
We made the decision not to take the children with us. When we were en route, we discovered that the family was gathering at my grandmother's home -- where she had been murdered.
When my parents found out that we hadn't brought the kids, they became very angry with me and have not spoken to me since the memorial service. Was I wrong not to take the kids to Grandma's home for what became a three-day gathering before the funeral?
I confess it upset me considerably when I arrived at my grandmother's home two days after the tragedy and saw the bullet holes, the closed door to her bedroom where she was murdered, and heard the constant discussion about the police investigation. However, if you think I should, I will beg for my parents' forgiveness. -- DONNA IN ATLANTA
DEAR DONNA: You do not owe anyone an apology. I see nothing positive that could have been gained by exposing a 5-year-old and 9-year-old to the horror of the crime scene. Had they expressed a desire to attend their great-grandmother's funeral, they should have been allowed to do so. However, that's a far cry from seeing the reality of how she died. Something like that could scar a child for a lifetime.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been going together for two years. I love him, but am worried because he is a drug dealer. He is obsessed with making money and says he's going to be selling drugs forever.
Abby, I'm afraid he's going to get caught and go to jail -- and because I am always with him, I will go to jail, too. I've begged him to stop, but he won't. I'm so afraid of being with him and getting arrested, but I love him and can't leave him. What should I do? -- IN LOVE WITH A PUSHER
DEAR IN LOVE WITH A PUSHER: Leave him. Run. It's only a matter of time before he gets caught and you wind up in prison as an accessory. There are worse things than a broken heart. Two of them are: having everything you own confiscated by the government because you were busted for selling and abetting the sale of drugs -- and serving time in prison. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: It was a special delight for me to read your July 4 column concerning the Cub Scout activity called the Pinewood Derby.
I invented the derby in the early 1950s for the purpose of fostering a father-and-son project for the Cub Scouts. The first derby was held in a small scout house in Manhattan Beach, Calif., on May 15, 1953. We will celebrate our 50th anniversary next year! Since its inception, millions of Cub Scouts and parents worldwide have participated.
I would like to express thanks to all the parents and grandparents for their dedicated involvement in the derby over the years. A second round of applause to the moms who have participated with and encouraged their children. -- DON MURPHY, TORRANCE, CALIF.
DEAR DON: You deserve to take a bow for conceiving such a helpful program, which seems to have taken off and assumed a life of its own.
Woman Overcomes Childhood Abuse by Being Foster Parent
DEAR ABBY: It has been hard to read and listen to all of the news about priests and sexual abuse charges.
I am not Catholic, but I went to church every Thursday and Sunday. My parents were poor; we didn't have a car. Our minister used to pick us up in his car. It was all right when my brother and sister went with me -- but when they didn't, well, that was when the minister took advantage of me.
To be molested in the name of God -- or to be told, "If you tell your parents, God will make sure they die!" -- really does traumatically affect a 7-year-old girl.
I am in my mid-40s now and still haven't completely recovered. My parents, who are now deceased, never knew what happened to me. Even as an adult, the "little girl" in me couldn't take the chance and tell them.
Abby, I have tried to make a difference in the world. My husband and I have been foster parents for almost 15 years. I help children who have experienced the abuse I did. I have learned that love, patience and a lot of therapy go a long way to help -- but nothing can erase what happened.
I feel there should be zero tolerance for Catholic priests, and zero tolerance for sexual abuse of ANY CHILD -- BY ANYONE. -- STILL HEALING IN MISSOURI
DEAR STILL HEALING: I agree. That a clergyman should threaten a child with the loss of her parents if she speaks out about his abuse is truly an act of evil. I'm pleased to know you eventually revealed that you had been assaulted and have received professional counseling. I commend you for devoting your life to helping others. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am writing because your powerful words reach millions. This concerns your column about the child molestation scandal in the Catholic Church.
As an elderly person who has been a devout Catholic all my life, I feel I have lost my "holy mother the church." How should I feel about this crisis? Do you think as faithful people there is anything we can do to improve the situation? I pose these questions because my beliefs have been shattered, Abby. Please help. -- DISILLUSIONED LIFELONG MEMBER
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: Now more than ever, the religiously devout need to cling fast to their faith -- but look clear-eyed at those who are delivering the message. And that goes for members of all other faiths, too.
DEAR ABBY: I feel like my stepmom has lied to us kids. Our dad died almost three years ago, when I was 14. I just found out that two months before my father's passing, he was told by doctors that he had only six months to a year to live. He and our stepmother never told us. Well, two months later, Dad died. All us kids were shocked.
Months before his death, he started losing his hair and losing weight. Should I ask what was wrong with my father before he died? Or is it none of my business? -- DAUGHTER WHO NEEDS TO KNOW IN INDIANA
DEAR DAUGHTER: Speak up and ask. You have every right to know what took your father's life, and you are old enough to be told.
Please accept my sympathy for your loss. It must have been a terrible shock. While it may be difficult to understand, your father and stepmother, although misguided, were trying to protect you by not telling you.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
GIRL LONGING FOR WHAT NEVER WAS MUST NOW LOOK AHEAD
DEAR ABBY: I am a girl living in Peshawar, Pakistan. I am engaged to a boy who loves me very much. The problem is I was in love with another guy who seemed to love me, but we didn't admit it to each other. I have been waiting for him to say I love you for almost three years. However, during that time, he had an affair with two girls I knew.
Now I am engaged to someone who loves me very much, but I cannot forget the one I loved and feel that I still love.
Please tell me how to cope because I am in big trouble. -- BROKEN DOLL, PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN
DEAR BROKEN DOLL: It is time to face reality.
If the young man who "seemed" to love you did, indeed, love you, he would have told you. Instead, he had an affair with two girls you knew. That is hardly what I would call the behavior of a man who is interested in a long-term relationship with anyone.
We come from different cultures, you and I. But let me share something that transcends culture. We have to build our lives from the materials that are given to us, or the ones we earn for ourselves. You have a nice young man who loves you. Give him a chance to prove himself. Dwelling on something that never happened -- and never will -- is a waste of time.
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to an advice columnist before, but I want to warn "Heartbroken in New Hampshire" that her husband is commitment-phobic. (He's the man who told his wife of one year that he's still in love with his former girlfriend who is serving time in prison.)
"Heartbroken" must get out now, while she still has her sanity. There is no future with that man.
His agenda is to prevent BOTH of those women from loving him. First, he married "Heartbroken" to get back at his ex-girlfriend. Second, he distanced himself by telling "Heartbroken" that he still loves his ex.
He does not think like she thinks. What makes "Heartbroken" feel secure makes him feel suffocated. What feels like love to her, feels like entrapment to him. Her attempts to get along will appear like manipulation to him.
He will provoke with little wars, ambushes and land mines, and/or gradually withdraw until nothing remains. She will turn to him expecting a truce or resolution. He'll react like a fire-breathing dragon. No fair play. No negotiation. When it ends, it will end on his terms.
The reason I see this so clearly is that it happened to me, too. I am now doing what I should have done seven years ago. I'm involved in counseling, state job-search workshops, and working toward eventual financial independence. In other words, I have one foot out the door.
Learned helplessness can be unlearned. Please take what I have said to heart. -- HEALING IN OREGON
DEAR HEALING: I can see your time in counseling has not been wasted. From the disaster of your marriage you have gained important insight. One of the most frequently asked questions I receive is, "Why does he treat me this way?" Your letter explains it very well.
I wish you success in the future when you finally get both feet out the door. You have earned it.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)