For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
GIRL LONGING FOR WHAT NEVER WAS MUST NOW LOOK AHEAD
DEAR ABBY: I am a girl living in Peshawar, Pakistan. I am engaged to a boy who loves me very much. The problem is I was in love with another guy who seemed to love me, but we didn't admit it to each other. I have been waiting for him to say I love you for almost three years. However, during that time, he had an affair with two girls I knew.
Now I am engaged to someone who loves me very much, but I cannot forget the one I loved and feel that I still love.
Please tell me how to cope because I am in big trouble. -- BROKEN DOLL, PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN
DEAR BROKEN DOLL: It is time to face reality.
If the young man who "seemed" to love you did, indeed, love you, he would have told you. Instead, he had an affair with two girls you knew. That is hardly what I would call the behavior of a man who is interested in a long-term relationship with anyone.
We come from different cultures, you and I. But let me share something that transcends culture. We have to build our lives from the materials that are given to us, or the ones we earn for ourselves. You have a nice young man who loves you. Give him a chance to prove himself. Dwelling on something that never happened -- and never will -- is a waste of time.
DEAR ABBY: I have never written to an advice columnist before, but I want to warn "Heartbroken in New Hampshire" that her husband is commitment-phobic. (He's the man who told his wife of one year that he's still in love with his former girlfriend who is serving time in prison.)
"Heartbroken" must get out now, while she still has her sanity. There is no future with that man.
His agenda is to prevent BOTH of those women from loving him. First, he married "Heartbroken" to get back at his ex-girlfriend. Second, he distanced himself by telling "Heartbroken" that he still loves his ex.
He does not think like she thinks. What makes "Heartbroken" feel secure makes him feel suffocated. What feels like love to her, feels like entrapment to him. Her attempts to get along will appear like manipulation to him.
He will provoke with little wars, ambushes and land mines, and/or gradually withdraw until nothing remains. She will turn to him expecting a truce or resolution. He'll react like a fire-breathing dragon. No fair play. No negotiation. When it ends, it will end on his terms.
The reason I see this so clearly is that it happened to me, too. I am now doing what I should have done seven years ago. I'm involved in counseling, state job-search workshops, and working toward eventual financial independence. In other words, I have one foot out the door.
Learned helplessness can be unlearned. Please take what I have said to heart. -- HEALING IN OREGON
DEAR HEALING: I can see your time in counseling has not been wasted. From the disaster of your marriage you have gained important insight. One of the most frequently asked questions I receive is, "Why does he treat me this way?" Your letter explains it very well.
I wish you success in the future when you finally get both feet out the door. You have earned it.
Best Way to Fight Terrorism Is to Strengthen Our Health
DEAR ABBY: After a breakfast discussion about the obesity crisis in our nation, I saw the letter from "Worried in Rhode Island," the 14-year-old girl who is concerned about her friends who use alcohol and drugs. I've been thinking a lot lately about health and self-destructiveness. I see this as one of the major problems in our nation today.
All over the country, flags are hanging in front of thousands of homes signifying that we are united against the common enemy of terrorism. But I can't help remembering that profound line from the comic strip, "Pogo": "We have met the enemy, and it is us."
As we descend further and further down the slippery slope of addictions (which include not only alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, but shopping, gambling, overeating, sexual obsessions, and more), we are becoming a nation so harmful to itself that terrorists need only sit back and watch us self-destruct. How can we be truly strong and healthy as a nation when we are comprised of individuals who are not strong and healthy?
What can be done to institute a national campaign to strengthen ourselves as individuals with physical and emotional health? Of course, for younger people, we must use the public schools, but factual drug education and testimonials about harmful consequences have never been enough. We must discover WHY we hurt ourselves in these ways.
Seeking health and strength should be not only our personal goals, but would enable us to unify and defend against terrorists in a way that would do more good than simply waving the flag. -- AGREEING WITH 'POGO'
DEAR AGREEING: You're asking intelligent questions about very important issues. People usually engage in self-destructive behaviors because they are trying to avoid dealing with unpleasant emotions or situations -- so they comfort themselves with substances or behaviors that when used to excess can be damaging.
The first step in conquering any addiction is to admit you have one. The next step is to seek professional help. Confronting our weaknesses is a sign of strength, and admitting you have them is nothing to be ashamed of -- it's human.
DEAR ABBY: Help! My daughter is being married in three months and there's a major problem. She refuses to invite one of my sisters and her family, all because of a ridiculous feud between them.
My sister has attempted to apologize more than once. Each time my daughter has refused to accept an apology. She and her fiance are paying for their own wedding, so I don't have much to say about the situation. However, it will be very awkward at future family functions if this isn't patched up.
How do I tell my sister she's not invited to the wedding -- and what's more, explain to other family members who may refuse to attend because my sister's family is being banned?
Thanks for any guidance you can give me through this mess. -- FRUSTRATED MOTHER OF THE BRIDE
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Do not assume responsibility for your daughter's actions. Since she is (presumably) an adult, try once more to reason with her. Explain that excluding your sister from the wedding could cause a rift in the family that could have repercussions that she -- and future generations -- may regret. If your daughter is smart, she'll take that into consideration.
If your effort fails, don't worry about telling your sister. She'll know as soon as the other invitations arrive that she has been excluded. You have my sympathy.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old woman who has been engaged to "Bill" for nine months. We plan to be married next spring.
Bill and I were friends for years, but last year we started dating and got serious. We have been very happy until just recently.
My best friend, "Molly," and Bill have been spending a lot of time together. He helped her move, runs errands with her, and has even gone so far as to work overtime, but only at midnight -- when Molly works.
The two of them are always giggling, playfully grabbing and slapping each other's arms -- and when Molly's around, Bill ignores me completely. We haven't made love in more than two months. However, Bill and Molly's conversation is laced with sexual innuendo.
Am I correct to assume that Bill is having an affair with her? I've confronted him, but he says I'm jealous and insecure because my last relationship ended when my ex cheated on me. Is he right, Abby? Or is he a cheating dog?
I love this man with all my heart and want to trust him, but my gut tells me otherwise. -- DOUBTING HIM IN SARNIA, ONTARIO
DEAR DOUBTING: Listen to your gut. Even if there is no affair, you're picking up on "vibes" of sexual attraction and tension. If he's this easily distracted and going out of his way to be with other women before you're married, imagine what it will be like afterward.
Do not marry this man without premarital counseling. It will give you both an opportunity to express what you expect from each other.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married six months ago. We've known each other since we were kids. As teenagers, we were both in and out of trouble. A year ago we faced a substance abuse problem together and took steps toward making a fresh start.
When we tied the knot, we made a commitment to put our past behind us and move forward as partners. However, two months after our wedding, my husband came home one night and said he felt trapped and wanted to be free.
He left me and started drinking and doing drugs again. I am committed to staying clean and sober. Although I know I had no control over him, I begged him to come home so we could work on his addiction.
After being gone for two weeks, he returned home and promised never to leave me again. He said he had just needed time to realize what we had.
Now, four months later, I have discovered his boss fired him for using heroin. So what did my husband do? He left me again. Two days after that, I filed for divorce. But I love him so much I can't stop asking myself if I did the right thing. Should I have given my marriage a little more time, Abby? -- STILL IN LOVE WITH A NEW ORLEANS DRUGGIE
DEAR STILL IN LOVE: I don't think so. His relapse into heroin use makes it apparent that he hasn't licked his addiction, and it is vital that you not allow yourself to be dragged down with him.
If, at some later date, he is able to manage his sickness -- and addiction is a sickness -- you can revisit the question of whether he's a suitable lifetime partner. But for now, I'd say you did the right thing.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)