DEAR ABBY: I have never written to an advice columnist before, but I want to warn "Heartbroken in New Hampshire" that her husband is commitment-phobic. (He's the man who told his wife of one year that he's still in love with his former girlfriend who is serving time in prison.)
"Heartbroken" must get out now, while she still has her sanity. There is no future with that man.
His agenda is to prevent BOTH of those women from loving him. First, he married "Heartbroken" to get back at his ex-girlfriend. Second, he distanced himself by telling "Heartbroken" that he still loves his ex.
He does not think like she thinks. What makes "Heartbroken" feel secure makes him feel suffocated. What feels like love to her, feels like entrapment to him. Her attempts to get along will appear like manipulation to him.
He will provoke with little wars, ambushes and land mines, and/or gradually withdraw until nothing remains. She will turn to him expecting a truce or resolution. He'll react like a fire-breathing dragon. No fair play. No negotiation. When it ends, it will end on his terms.
The reason I see this so clearly is that it happened to me, too. I am now doing what I should have done seven years ago. I'm involved in counseling, state job-search workshops, and working toward eventual financial independence. In other words, I have one foot out the door.
Learned helplessness can be unlearned. Please take what I have said to heart. -- HEALING IN OREGON
DEAR HEALING: I can see your time in counseling has not been wasted. From the disaster of your marriage you have gained important insight. One of the most frequently asked questions I receive is, "Why does he treat me this way?" Your letter explains it very well.
I wish you success in the future when you finally get both feet out the door. You have earned it.