For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 22-year-old woman who has been engaged to "Bill" for nine months. We plan to be married next spring.
Bill and I were friends for years, but last year we started dating and got serious. We have been very happy until just recently.
My best friend, "Molly," and Bill have been spending a lot of time together. He helped her move, runs errands with her, and has even gone so far as to work overtime, but only at midnight -- when Molly works.
The two of them are always giggling, playfully grabbing and slapping each other's arms -- and when Molly's around, Bill ignores me completely. We haven't made love in more than two months. However, Bill and Molly's conversation is laced with sexual innuendo.
Am I correct to assume that Bill is having an affair with her? I've confronted him, but he says I'm jealous and insecure because my last relationship ended when my ex cheated on me. Is he right, Abby? Or is he a cheating dog?
I love this man with all my heart and want to trust him, but my gut tells me otherwise. -- DOUBTING HIM IN SARNIA, ONTARIO
DEAR DOUBTING: Listen to your gut. Even if there is no affair, you're picking up on "vibes" of sexual attraction and tension. If he's this easily distracted and going out of his way to be with other women before you're married, imagine what it will be like afterward.
Do not marry this man without premarital counseling. It will give you both an opportunity to express what you expect from each other.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were married six months ago. We've known each other since we were kids. As teenagers, we were both in and out of trouble. A year ago we faced a substance abuse problem together and took steps toward making a fresh start.
When we tied the knot, we made a commitment to put our past behind us and move forward as partners. However, two months after our wedding, my husband came home one night and said he felt trapped and wanted to be free.
He left me and started drinking and doing drugs again. I am committed to staying clean and sober. Although I know I had no control over him, I begged him to come home so we could work on his addiction.
After being gone for two weeks, he returned home and promised never to leave me again. He said he had just needed time to realize what we had.
Now, four months later, I have discovered his boss fired him for using heroin. So what did my husband do? He left me again. Two days after that, I filed for divorce. But I love him so much I can't stop asking myself if I did the right thing. Should I have given my marriage a little more time, Abby? -- STILL IN LOVE WITH A NEW ORLEANS DRUGGIE
DEAR STILL IN LOVE: I don't think so. His relapse into heroin use makes it apparent that he hasn't licked his addiction, and it is vital that you not allow yourself to be dragged down with him.
If, at some later date, he is able to manage his sickness -- and addiction is a sickness -- you can revisit the question of whether he's a suitable lifetime partner. But for now, I'd say you did the right thing.
DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem on my hands. Four years ago, my sister was living with my husband and me. I trusted them both, but they betrayed me by having an affair.
After that, my sister moved miles away and met a man she ended up living with and having a baby girl. The guy turned out to be an abuser. Now she wants to leave him and "come home."
Our parents are no longer living, and my sister has no other family to turn to. If she moves in with my husband and me again, I don't know if I'll be able to trust them -- even though I have forgiven them both and love them with all my heart.
My husband has told me repeatedly that he will never hurt me like that again. He also said if the possibility of my sister living with us is going to stress me out, we shouldn't allow her to stay with us. But if that happens, she and her baby are at risk of remaining under the thumb of that abusive man.
Please advise me, Abby. I'm at a real loss here. -- TORN SISTER IN IDAHO
DEAR TORN SISTER: A safe alternative would be for you and your husband to subsidize your sister's rent on a small apartment for a period of time. Yes, it would be expensive -- but not nearly as costly as having her under your roof might be.
DEAR ABBY: My 21-year-old best friend, "Carole," met a man four months ago. She began dating him right away, became engaged the month after that, and will be marrying him in a few weeks.
I do not know her fiance well, but the little I do know about him is not good.
Carole has asked me to be her maid of honor, and I'm torn over whether to accept. On one hand, I want to support my best friend and "be there" for her. However, I think she's crazy to marry someone she's known only four months.
Should I ignore my concerns about this marriage, agree to be her maid of honor, and pretend to be happy because I don't want to hurt her? Or should I tell her the truth -- that I cannot support this marriage -- and in doing so, risk destroying our friendship?
Abby, I love Carole and want only the best for her, but I don't know how I can stand up in a church and support her in this marriage when I have so many serious doubts about the guy. Help! -- DOUBTS ABOUT THE GROOM SOMEWHERE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR DOUBTS: Level with your best friend. After you do, it will be her decision whether or not you'll participate in the wedding party, feeling as you do. Whatever the outcome, you'll have peace of mind knowing you shared your feelings.
DEAR ABBY: I have been invited to a baby shower for a former co-worker who was an absolute witch when we worked together. In my 22-year career, I have never experienced such disrespect and hatefulness for no apparent reason.
Before she left on her pregnancy leave, she asked me to lunch -- which I ended up paying for. She also asked for my home address because she said a friend was giving her a baby shower and "it wouldn't be a party without you."
Abby, I do not want to go to her shower, and I don't want to give her a present. The invitation asks for an RSVP. What should I do? -- FEELING USED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR FEELING USED: Respond to the invitation giving your "regrets." You are under no obligation to give a gift if you do not attend the shower.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Freeloading New Neighbor Is Welcome to Take Her Leave
DEAR ABBY: When our neighbors with five small children moved in next door, my husband offered them our barbecue grill to use, because they were trying to cook on one that was too small.
Since that day, the wife has come over no less than twice a day to borrow something -- but she never returns the items. She'll ring the doorbell, waking up the baby and disturbing me when I'm finally getting a break.
Yesterday, this neighbor asked if she could borrow some diet soda because her husband didn't want to drink what they had at their house. (Yes, they have a car to go to the store themselves.)
I have given this woman everything from plastic zip-lock bags to milk for her two youngest who are still bottle-fed -- as well as lending out my dog carrier, which our dog needs.
She also comes over to use my phone for what she says is "only a minute" -- then calls her husband at work just to chat. Lately, I've been telling her I'm out of whatever she asks for, but she's always quick to ask for something else.
Last night I didn't answer the door when I saw her standing there. I feel like I'm literally hiding in my own house. How can I put an end to this? -- HIDING BEHIND THE BLINDS IN NAPLES, FLA.
DEAR HIDING: Your neighbor has taken advantage of your and your husband's kindness. Tell this freeloader the store is closed -- and you are busy. And to please not call when the baby is napping because it's disruptive. Period. If you don't stop her now, her behavior will escalate.
DEAR ABBY: Our only child, a son in his late 40s, has decided he is gay. He was married briefly for three years and has had three partners. I have seen very little of him, as he lives on one coast and we live on the other.
We haven't seen him for four years because he will not visit us without his partner. We do not approve of his lifestyle and feel he should visit his parents alone. I think he is being unreasonable. We both have health problems and don't need the stress.
Don't get me wrong, Abby. I love my son and it is his choice to live his life this way. But do I have to be subject to it? Am I wrong? Does anyone else have my problem? -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER IN ORLANDO
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You are wrong. People aren't gay because they choose to be; they are gay because they are born that way. Your son tried to please you by marrying. It didn't work -- he is only being himself now. For you to demand that he visit you without his partner is both insulting and unreasonable. If he were married, you would not insist he visit you without his spouse. His partner is his family, too.
Many other parents have handled this situation in a positive way by getting information from -- or joining -- PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). This organization has more than 20 years' experience building bridges of understanding between lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual people and their families. Contact it by writing: PFLAG, 1726 M St. NW, Washington, DC 20036, or by e-mail at info(at)pflag.org, or by visiting the Web site at www.pflag.org. You'll be glad you did.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)