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Freeloading New Neighbor Is Welcome to Take Her Leave
DEAR ABBY: When our neighbors with five small children moved in next door, my husband offered them our barbecue grill to use, because they were trying to cook on one that was too small.
Since that day, the wife has come over no less than twice a day to borrow something -- but she never returns the items. She'll ring the doorbell, waking up the baby and disturbing me when I'm finally getting a break.
Yesterday, this neighbor asked if she could borrow some diet soda because her husband didn't want to drink what they had at their house. (Yes, they have a car to go to the store themselves.)
I have given this woman everything from plastic zip-lock bags to milk for her two youngest who are still bottle-fed -- as well as lending out my dog carrier, which our dog needs.
She also comes over to use my phone for what she says is "only a minute" -- then calls her husband at work just to chat. Lately, I've been telling her I'm out of whatever she asks for, but she's always quick to ask for something else.
Last night I didn't answer the door when I saw her standing there. I feel like I'm literally hiding in my own house. How can I put an end to this? -- HIDING BEHIND THE BLINDS IN NAPLES, FLA.
DEAR HIDING: Your neighbor has taken advantage of your and your husband's kindness. Tell this freeloader the store is closed -- and you are busy. And to please not call when the baby is napping because it's disruptive. Period. If you don't stop her now, her behavior will escalate.
DEAR ABBY: Our only child, a son in his late 40s, has decided he is gay. He was married briefly for three years and has had three partners. I have seen very little of him, as he lives on one coast and we live on the other.
We haven't seen him for four years because he will not visit us without his partner. We do not approve of his lifestyle and feel he should visit his parents alone. I think he is being unreasonable. We both have health problems and don't need the stress.
Don't get me wrong, Abby. I love my son and it is his choice to live his life this way. But do I have to be subject to it? Am I wrong? Does anyone else have my problem? -- HEARTBROKEN MOTHER IN ORLANDO
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You are wrong. People aren't gay because they choose to be; they are gay because they are born that way. Your son tried to please you by marrying. It didn't work -- he is only being himself now. For you to demand that he visit you without his partner is both insulting and unreasonable. If he were married, you would not insist he visit you without his spouse. His partner is his family, too.
Many other parents have handled this situation in a positive way by getting information from -- or joining -- PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). This organization has more than 20 years' experience building bridges of understanding between lesbian, gay, bisexual and transsexual people and their families. Contact it by writing: PFLAG, 1726 M St. NW, Washington, DC 20036, or by e-mail at info(at)pflag.org, or by visiting the Web site at www.pflag.org. You'll be glad you did.
DEAR READERS: A reader signed "Desperate in Ohio" reported that a verse her aunt told her many years ago was rattling around in her head, but she couldn't remember the last line. It went, "If 'ifs' and 'ans' were pots and pans ... "
Yesterday, my column was filled with letters from readers eager to provide the missing line, " ... there'd be no work for tinkers." Today we'll see some fascinating variations on the theme. Read on for a sample:
DEAR ABBY: Not only do I remember my mother quoting the same phrase to me, she had another one: "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." Both are from a bygone generation that held no truck with the "If only" and "I wish" mentality. In other words, if you want something to happen in your life, work for it. If something happens you don't like, deal with it, grow from it and move on. Don't just wish, complain and blame.
We could use a little more of that sage wisdom in this day of frivolous lawsuits, cheating in schools and business, etc. -- LEE BAKER DEVORE, HAMILTON, OHIO
DEAR LEE: You're right. And if everyone swept his own doorstep, this world would be a cleaner place. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My Pennsylvania Dutch grandmother used to always say, "If 'ifs' and 'ands' were pots and pans, you wouldn't have to buy any!" She had quite the collection of little sayings, including, "If you put your shoes upon the table, you'll be bad when you are able." (My mother amended that one to: "Tables are for glasses, not for a--ses!")
There were many more for all occasions, and my cousins and I thought she was the smartest woman in the world. I still miss her after 35 years. -- CHRIS GORNIK, LEVELGREEN, PA.
DEAR CHRIS: Amazing how those early lessons stay with us. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My sixth-grade teacher, the late Leona Hickey of Allegany, N.Y., used to recite the old "'Ifs' and 'Ans'" proverb to us in class (circa 1950).
Mrs. Hickey had many little epigrams. Another of her gems: "Whether it's cold or whether it's hot, we're sure to have weather, whether or not!" -- JOYCE HILLER, REDONDO BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JOYCE: She certainly had a way with words (may she rest in peace).
DEAR ABBY: The phrase, "If 'ifs' and 'ans' were pots and pans, we'd have no need of tinkers," derives from George Bernard Shaw's play "Saint Joan," when Joan of Arc, under ecclesiastic interrogation for heresy, responds in exasperation to questions and accusations from her English persecutors.
I was in a Sydney stage production of "Saint Joan" starring Zoe Caldwell in 1962 (and later played the Earl of Warwick in a London BBC two-part television production of the story), but Zoe's earnest frustration so fervently rendered still resonates in my mind 40 years later. -- ALLAN LANDER (RETIRED ACTOR IN SAVANNAH)
DEAR ALLAN: Retired or not, take a bow!
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This is in reply to "Desperate in Ohio," whose aunt used to recite a saying, but she could not remember the ending. My mother frequently quoted the verse to me when I was a child and wanted something. It went:
"If wishes were horses and beggars could ride,
"If turnips were watches, I'd wear one by my side.
"If 'ifs' and 'ands' were pots and pans,
"There would be no work for tinkers."
-- NEVILLE E. TEAGUE, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR NEVILLE: Thank you for rushing to the rescue -- as did thousands of other gallant readers. That question evoked some fascinating responses. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps this is an appropriate time to educate those readers who were born after the 1930s. A tinker was a craftsman who navigated city streets and country roads in a horse-drawn cart, offering his services to mend pots and pans -- repairing broken handles, smoothing dents and, especially, repairing small holes.
The latter involved fashioning a moist clay dam around the hole; then as he blocked its interior with a thick pad of leather (or asbestos!), he would pour a small amount of solder into the dam. The solder cooled almost immediately, and the tinker would brush away the now worthless dam.
It was that elementary act that gave our language the expression, "It's not worth a tinker's dam," or more simply, "It's not worth a dam," or even (Clark Gable to the contrary), "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam!"
And all these years we thought we were swearing. -- GORDON D. ROWE, CHAGRIN FALLS, OHIO
DEAR GORDON: Far be it from me to tinker with your explanation. Thank you for the etymology lesson. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My thanks to you for reviving a long quiescent memory: Greenwich, London, England, 1935-1938. Two children excited by the sounds of the horse-drawn milk wagon coming down the street, the gypsy calls for "rags and bones, rags and bones," black coal tumbling noisily down the chute into the basement, and the tinker in his cart coming to solder damaged kitchenware.
When the tinker came we chanted the old saw, "Were 'ifs' and 'ans' pots and pans, there'd be no need for tinkers," but we always had something for him to mend -- a hot cup of tea for him, and a sugar cube for his pony. "An," we learned, is an archaic synonym for "if," a word we would meet again only in literature. -- PATRICIA L. WILLY, ALAMO, CALIF.
DEAR PATRICIA: What a wonderful description. I can almost picture the scene from your childhood. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It appears to be an old Irish proverb -- a tinker is an Irish gypsy, and they still roam Ireland today. My mother is from Kildare, and I remember as a child seeing all the "tinker" children riding bareback on ponies by the side of the road. I was jealous of their life, since their parents didn't make them go to school. -- LIL-ANNE SCHUETTE, BOSTON
DEAR LIL-ANNE: Irish? Several other readers thought the saying originated with the Pennsylvania Dutch or Amish. However, I'm sure more than one ethnic group has paraphrased those sentiments at one time or another. (I'll have more on this tomorrow.)
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