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Memorial Day Remembrance Stirs Feelings of Gratitude
DEAR ABBY: The Friday morning before Memorial Day, I read the letter in your column from Carmella La Spada from the White House Commission on the National Moment of Remembrance. On Memorial Day, I was invited to a barbecue at the home of friends, so I decided to create our own moment of silence.
The gathering included myself, my teen-age son and the host family, which consisted of two more teens and several older relatives. The host had served in the Navy during the Gulf War, so the moment of remembrance held extra meaning for him.
At 3 p.m., the group gathered around the American flag in the front yard. I read Ms. La Spada's letter aloud, as it explained beautifully the reason for the moment of silence. Then my son, who plays the trumpet, played a beautiful rendition of "Taps."
The experience gave me a deep sense of gratitude for the freedoms we enjoy, made possible by all of the men and women who have served in our armed forces down through the history of this country. In that moment, I felt the connectedness of us all.
Thank you, Abby and Ms. La Spada, for helping to make the day truly meaningful. Please sign my name. I am proud to live in the land of the free. -- TERESA ST. GEORGE, WENATCHEE, WASH.
DEAR TERESA: I'm sure Carmella La Spada will be as pleased as I am to know her letter spurred you to action. And I hope your letter reminds everyone who sees it how fortunate we are to live in this great country. The freedoms we enjoy today are the result of great personal sacrifice, and we must never forget it.
DEAR ABBY: The letters you have printed about acts of kindness -- as well as those about the insensitive treatment people with disabilities have received at some restaurants -- reminded me of an experience I had.
My father had many strokes and could no longer speak. However, in spite of his disabilities, my father was excited about giving me away at my wedding.
I took him to a tuxedo shop in North Seattle for a fitting. The young man who helped us could not have been more than 19 or 20 years old. He looked my father in the eye and addressed every question to him, although my father could answer with only a nod or a shake of the head. He was courteous and respectful, and accommodated my father's need to have a tux with a loose collar because of his trach tube.
I'll always be grateful to this kind and sensitive young man. He treated my father like the gentleman he was. The memory of that incident brought me a bit of comfort when my father died a month after the wedding.
I regret that I never properly thanked the young man, nor did I get his name. I hope he sees this -- and that other service providers will realize how much respectful treatment means to people with disabilities and their family members. -- MARY R. SWEENEY, ISSAQUAH, WASH.
DEAR MARY: I, too, hope he sees the letter, and that others in the service professions will learn from that fine young man's example.
Memory of Rape Still Vivid Despite Passage of Decades
DEAR ABBY: I have been bothered by something that happened a long time ago. In 1943, during World War II, I was a pretty 15-year-old living in Georgia. One evening, I went on a date with a very nice soldier named Elmer. I liked him a lot and he liked me. I wore a beautiful green suit.
We were walking toward the movie theater when I stopped to use a ladies restroom. Elmer waited outside for me. When I came out, two policemen drove past and looked at me. They stopped and ordered me to get into their patrol car. Elmer asked why. The heavy-set policeman said, "Soldier boy, get lost or we'll call the MPs and have you arrested." Then the policemen grabbed me and threw me into the patrol car.
They drove me to a dark church parking lot and raped me. First the heavy-set one, then the other one. Afterward, they drove me home. I felt dirty and violated. I was afraid to leave my home for fear they would return.
I never saw either policeman again and I never saw Elmer again, either. He never knew what happened to me.
In those days, a woman (or in my case, a child) would never dare to tell the authorities because the female was presumed to be automatically at fault. I had no one to talk to. No action was taken.
I am nearly 75 years old now. This happened a lifetime ago, but I remember it vividly -- even the name of one of the officers.
Abby, I hope you print this. In case Elmer is still living, I want him to know what happened to me. We were both nice kids, not bothering anyone. I did nothing wrong, so help me God. -- E.M. IN FLORIDA
DEAR E.M.: I'm printing your letter because I am sure you are not the only rape victim from that era who has been afraid to speak out about her assault. I believe you when you say you did nothing wrong. The men who harmed you violated their position of trust and authority.
Although it has been nearly six decades since your rape occurred, there is still help available for you in the form of post-traumatic stress counseling. Please pick up the phone and call RAINN (the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) at (800) 656-HOPE (4673). RAINN will connect you with the nearest rape crisis center in your area. Please heed this advice. You'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: My parents, who live in Europe, are finalizing their divorce. So far, I have remained neutral. However, I recently learned some very upsetting news about my dad -- that he's had multiple extramarital affairs. He also bad-mouths my mother to everyone who will listen.
Dad plans to retire next year and wants to visit me and my husband after that. This man is an alcoholic who has never sought treatment. I am not looking forward to his visit, but realize now is not the time to break off my connection with him.
As a compromise, I would like to propose that my dad visit my husband and me for one week -- but with the requirement that no alcohol be brought into our home. Does this sound reasonable, Abby? -- LOYAL TEXAS READER
DEAR LOYAL: If your father's personality changes when he drinks, it's not only reasonable, but it's also sensible. In your home, you make the rules. Remember that when your father objects (as he almost certainly will), and don't cave in.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DOCTOR'S WANDERING HANDS DESERVE AN OFFICIAL SLAP
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "No Doctor's Playmate," whose doctor reached into her bra when she consulted him about an ear infection, I couldn't help but sympathize. The same thing happened to me. My surgeon walked into my hospital room and fondled my breasts when he checked my abdominal incision. When my gastroenterologist came, I told her I wanted him removed from my case and explained why.
Abby, she defended him! She said it was probably a routine breast exam. I told her that I'd had more than 30 years' worth of breast exams, and this was nothing like them. I also told her it was not authorized by me, and he was not my gynecologist. She then had the nerve to imply that I was dreaming or having a drug-induced fantasy. This happened eight years ago. I'm still furious about it.
He still has his shingle. So, ladies, if your doctor pulls anything funny -- report him! -- MAD IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR MAD: Since he did this to you, he may be sexually abusing other women patients. After complaining to the referring physician and getting no satisfaction, you should have taken your complaint to the head of the hospital and to the state medical association. It's not too late to do it now. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The same thing happened to me when I was 18. It happened a second time when I returned for a follow-up visit. I was so upset I told the nurses I didn't want to see that particular doctor again. (He was part of a group.) I was too embarrassed to explain exactly why.
Two years later, I was called by the Office of Professional Medical Conduct in New York state. They were investigating the doctor. Five women wound up testifying against him. None of us knew each other or heard each other's testimony, but similarities in our stories proved the doctor was guilty.
He took advantage of his medical license and his authority. The state eventually revoked his license to practice in New York. Talking about what he did to me was difficult, but it was also therapeutic. Doctors like that need to be stopped. I hope other victims will not be as scared as I was to speak out. My mistake was in not questioning when I knew something was wrong. -- WISER NOW IN OCEANSIDE, N.Y.
DEAR WISER NOW: I hope other women will take your experience to heart.
DEAR ABBY: I consulted a general surgeon about a problem totally unrelated to my breasts and the doctor did the same thing to me. I reported him to the state medical licensing board, and he now must have a nurse or staff member present during exams.
He claimed he "always" did breast exams on his patients, but I was able to provide names of two other women who saw him for surgical consultations, and he did not examine their breasts.
I am close to 50 and have had many breast exams. No doctor ever performed one while I was fully clothed. I join you in urging "No Doctor's Playmate" to report the incident immediately. -- ONLY MY HUSBAND'S PLAYMATE IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HUSBAND'S PLAYMATE: You handled the situation effectively. Good for you. And thank you for sharing with my readers how you dealt with the frisky-fingered physician.
P.S. This goes for readers of both sexes. If something doesn't seem "right," you have every right to question it. And if the answers don't make sense to you, get a second opinion.
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