To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DOCTOR'S WANDERING HANDS DESERVE AN OFFICIAL SLAP
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "No Doctor's Playmate," whose doctor reached into her bra when she consulted him about an ear infection, I couldn't help but sympathize. The same thing happened to me. My surgeon walked into my hospital room and fondled my breasts when he checked my abdominal incision. When my gastroenterologist came, I told her I wanted him removed from my case and explained why.
Abby, she defended him! She said it was probably a routine breast exam. I told her that I'd had more than 30 years' worth of breast exams, and this was nothing like them. I also told her it was not authorized by me, and he was not my gynecologist. She then had the nerve to imply that I was dreaming or having a drug-induced fantasy. This happened eight years ago. I'm still furious about it.
He still has his shingle. So, ladies, if your doctor pulls anything funny -- report him! -- MAD IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR MAD: Since he did this to you, he may be sexually abusing other women patients. After complaining to the referring physician and getting no satisfaction, you should have taken your complaint to the head of the hospital and to the state medical association. It's not too late to do it now. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The same thing happened to me when I was 18. It happened a second time when I returned for a follow-up visit. I was so upset I told the nurses I didn't want to see that particular doctor again. (He was part of a group.) I was too embarrassed to explain exactly why.
Two years later, I was called by the Office of Professional Medical Conduct in New York state. They were investigating the doctor. Five women wound up testifying against him. None of us knew each other or heard each other's testimony, but similarities in our stories proved the doctor was guilty.
He took advantage of his medical license and his authority. The state eventually revoked his license to practice in New York. Talking about what he did to me was difficult, but it was also therapeutic. Doctors like that need to be stopped. I hope other victims will not be as scared as I was to speak out. My mistake was in not questioning when I knew something was wrong. -- WISER NOW IN OCEANSIDE, N.Y.
DEAR WISER NOW: I hope other women will take your experience to heart.
DEAR ABBY: I consulted a general surgeon about a problem totally unrelated to my breasts and the doctor did the same thing to me. I reported him to the state medical licensing board, and he now must have a nurse or staff member present during exams.
He claimed he "always" did breast exams on his patients, but I was able to provide names of two other women who saw him for surgical consultations, and he did not examine their breasts.
I am close to 50 and have had many breast exams. No doctor ever performed one while I was fully clothed. I join you in urging "No Doctor's Playmate" to report the incident immediately. -- ONLY MY HUSBAND'S PLAYMATE IN KENTUCKY
DEAR HUSBAND'S PLAYMATE: You handled the situation effectively. Good for you. And thank you for sharing with my readers how you dealt with the frisky-fingered physician.
P.S. This goes for readers of both sexes. If something doesn't seem "right," you have every right to question it. And if the answers don't make sense to you, get a second opinion.
CAREGIVING DAUGHTER RESENTS DAD'S ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL HER
DEAR ABBY: I am a 34-year-old woman who recently started dating a 40-year-old man I'll call Vince. We get along great and like each other very much.
The problem is my 83-year-old father. When Mom passed away last year, I was chosen to move back home to look after him. Suddenly I have a curfew -- which I ignore -- and Dad doesn't like me going out with Vince.
If this continues, it will ruin a potential relationship before it has a chance to develop. How can I convince my father I am no longer a child and should be allowed to live my own life while I'm still young enough to have one? -- UNDER HOUSE ARREST IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR UNDER HOUSE ARREST: Your father is well aware that you are not a child. I don't know his mental status, but it appears he does not want to lose a companion and housekeeper he can control.
I don't know who chose you to be your father's primary caregiver, but unless you put your foot down now, you will be taking orders from everyone until your father dies.
Work out a reasonable schedule with your siblings or a caretaking service so that you have enough private time for a life of your own. The alternative is your father being cared for by a full-time professional caregiver, and you moving out on your own.
DEAR ABBY: A co-worker sent me an invitation to a party celebrating her son's graduation from college. The envelope was addressed with a computer mailing label.
The party fell on a day I work, so I didn't even consider attending. I have never met the young man and have no social relationship with his mother. My initial reaction was to ignore the whole thing, but my wife thought I should send a gift of money as a matter of courtesy -- which I did.
Here's the clincher: I received a thank-you note written in my co-worker's handwriting! What do you make of this, Abby? -- PERPLEXED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: It's sad, really, because it shows the extent to which your co-worker has failed as a parent. The man's mother appears to be in complete control of her son's social life -- from who will attend his graduation party to acknowledging his gifts. Expressing gratitude for a gift is something her son should have learned by the age of 10.
DEAR ABBY: "Going Coconuts" complained that she and her fiance are having a Hawaiian-themed wedding and had received an invitation to a pre-wedding potluck luau at the home of her future brother and sister-in-law. She felt hurt and angry because they had "stolen" her theme. You sided with her.
I disagree. Her future in-laws may have been only trying to extend the theme of the wedding. "Coconuts" needs to remember that you don't marry just the man -- you also marry the family. This is no time to start a feud. If she doesn't attend the party, she'll be starting off on the wrong foot with her fiance's family.
I think you -- and "Coconuts" -- took it the wrong way. -- HAPPY INDIANA IN-LAW
DEAR HAPPY IN-LAW: I received a stack of letters from readers echoing your sentiments. I did not consider that the brother and sister-in-law might simply be applying the theme of the wedding rather than co-opting it. It would have been better had I offered the bride-to-be a dose of cool reality rather than a soft shoulder. I hope my advice didn't pour cold water on a hot party. Mea culpa.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
HUSBAND WHO GOT AN EYEFUL SHOULD NOW GET AN EARFUL
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Al," and I have been married 18 years. We have a 12-year-old daughter. Last year we bought a wonderful old home that has an apartment in back over the detached two-car garage.
For the past year, we've rented the apartment to a 20-something couple who are the son and daughter-in-law of a good friend of ours. These renters have no children. The young wife likes to chitchat with my husband every time she sees him, and she's usually braless and in skimpy tank tops. (She has an ample bosom.)
Yesterday, when Al was sitting on the stairs that lead to the apartment, this gal bent over at face level and tied her sneaker while flashing him! Of course my husband got an eyeful -- how could he not?
I was hanging laundry nearby and witnessed the whole thing. I didn't say anything at the time, but I ache inside now. Abby, I'm not bad-looking, but I'm in my late 40s and feeling threatened by this young "babe."
How should I address this? Should I raise the rent? Go on strike? Above all, I don't want our daughter to witness the stress and jealousy that's eating at me. Can you help me resolve this? -- FAITHFUL WIFE IN NEW YORK STATE
DEAR FAITHFUL WIFE: The young woman is a poor role model for your daughter. Tell your husband you think the young woman is being intentionally provocative and that you're no longer comfortable with her living there. Inform the tenants it's time they started looking for other quarters. If your husband resists, then I urge you both to talk it out with a marriage counselor, because there's no reason why you should be uncomfortable in your own home.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Judy in Tucson," regarding control freaks who insist their weddings be picture-perfect, I have to tell you what happened to me when I was 18.
My best friend, "Carrie," was being married and asked me to be her maid of honor. However, she told me I was too fat and I would have to lose weight before the wedding because she didn't want me to ruin her wedding pictures. I went on a strict diet and lost weight, but that was not enough for Carrie. She replaced me with a thinner girl, but told me I was welcome to attend the ceremony. I was very hurt.
My parents loved Carrie and told me I was being overly sensitive. They were unable to attend her wedding, but gave me a card with cash to give to the bride and groom. My boyfriend thought the way I had been treated was terrible and suggested we ditch the wedding -- and we did. We took Mom's gift and had a wonderful evening out on the town.
My mother still mentions the fact she never received a thank-you note from Carrie. Maybe someday I will tell her the truth -- but I'm still not sorry for what we did. -- TELLING THE TRUTH IN DULUTH
P.S. I recently ran into Carrie at the mall. Poor thing, she's put on quite a few pounds. (I have lost 100 pounds -- and look great!)
DEAR TELLING THE TRUTH: I don't condone what you did, but your motive was understandable. Carrie's priorities were misplaced, but it's wrong for you to continue to allow your mother to think your former friend failed to acknowledge her generous gift.
You're older and wiser now -- not to mention thinner -- so 'fess up and face the music.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)