To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am an 11-year-old girl with a confusing problem. There's this neighborhood boy named "Brian" who is my age. He really gets on my nerves. Practically every day after school, Brian asks if he can play with me or my sister. We always say no, because he's a loudmouth at school and causes problems.
One day my sister and I were walking home from school, and Brian asked for a piece of paper. He had the nerve to write me a love note! It was obvious from the note that he has a crush on me. He said he couldn't tell me to my face because I'm always rude to him.
What I don't understand is how he can have a crush on me when he acts like such a jerk at school.
Please help me, Abby. I can't take it any longer. Could you give me a solution for Brian's annoying behavior? -- OVERHEATED GIRL IN SPRINGFIELD, ORE.
DEAR OVERHEATED GIRL: Brian's acting like a jerk because he's trying to get you to notice him. He's young and doesn't know any other way to accomplish it.
If I were you, I'd try to be a little more tolerant and accept the fact that he likes you as a compliment. Look at it this way: When someone admires somebody else, it's not intended as an insult. And besides, he might become more attractive as he ages -- so don't burn your bridges.
DEAR ABBY: My mother was born and raised in a European country. At 20, she met a young American soldier who was on his way to Vietnam. They had a brief affair, and I was the result.
When I was 6, my mother married my stepfather and we came to the United States. My stepfather tried, but he could not fill the void in my life. My mother refused to answer any questions about my real father or his family. She always told me he was killed in the war.
Last year, I hired a private investigator and found my father alive and well. He was shocked, but happy to hear from me. He did not even know my mother had borne his child. DNA tests confirm I am his daughter. I plan to meet his family and introduce him to mine.
My mother and I are now barely civil toward each other. I cannot understand why she deprived my father and me of knowing each other. She offers no explanation. All the years we missed breaks my heart. How can I forgive her? -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW YORK
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Start by understanding that your mother was and is very angry at your father. She may also have been ashamed about the circumstances of your conception. Although it was wrong of her to lie, until you understand her reasons for doing so, do not judge her.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with swimming. I don't know how. All I know is enough to save my life if I have to.
My mom wants me to take swimming next year in high school, but the thought of it embarrasses me. What should I do, Abby? I don't want my high school career to be over before it begins. -- NOT A SWIMMER IN THE NORTHWEST
DEAR NOT A SWIMMER: If you are embarrassed because you think you should know how to swim by now, I have a solution. Sign up for lessons at the local YMCA or take private lessons before school starts in the fall. That way, you'll be prepared to join the class, and you won't be embarrassed.
Man Says He's Committed but Won't Buy Woman a Ring
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for five years and have been dating the same sweet man for a year and a half. We have lived together for a year and are very much in love.
My problem is he doesn't want to get married, and I can't make him understand that I need a commitment and stability in my life. He says he IS committed, but he won't buy me a ring.
Am I being selfish or foolish for wanting to marry him? -- LET DOWN IN UTAH
DEAR LET DOWN: I see nothing foolish or selfish about wanting a secure future and the benefits that go along with being a wife instead of a live-in.
If you're willing to settle for the current arrangement, continue as you are in the hope that one day you'll wear him down. However, if marriage is really what you're after, tell him that it is becoming clear your goals are different. You want marriage, but the only thing he seems "committed" to is more of the same. Then move out. If he loves you, he will be willing to make a serious commitment. If he doesn't, it's better you know sooner rather than later.
DEAR ABBY: Three days a week I sit with Elsie, a 93-year-old lady who is partially sighted. Elsie always looks forward to hearing me read your column. The day the letter from "Robert in Orlando" appeared, we both thought you dropped the ball in your reply. He asked which is more hygienic -- leaving dishes to air-dry on the counter or drying them with a towel. Abby, you didn't answer his question! -- RICHARD KRUSE AND ELSIE HUNTER IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR RICHARD AND ELSIE: I'm embarrassed to admit that you're right. Among the many readers who pointed it out was a Texas gentleman who said, "You should run for public office immediately, Abby! Only a politician can get away with giving someone an answer without addressing the question." Ouch. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your answer about the proper method of drying dishes was right on the money. I've been in the restaurant business for 21 years -- from dishwasher to owner.
It is against the state health department code in every state in the United States to dry dishes (whether by hand or machine) any other way than to air-dry. A towel or cloth -- once wet -- becomes a breeding ground for micro-organisms that can cause illness. Just thought you'd like to know. -- "COOKIE" IN SIOUX CITY, IOWA
DEAR "COOKIE": Thank you for your professional input. Many other restaurateurs corroborated it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Give me a break! "Robert in Orlando," the dishwasher in the family, believes it's sanitary to let the dishes air-dry, while his wife insists they should be wiped dry with a towel. You advised that air-drying is perfectly safe -- but you missed a more important point.
Robert's controlling wife needs to understand that since HE is the dishwasher, HE gets to decide how to wash and dry the dishes. If his wife thinks his method is unsanitary or unsightly, SHE should do them herself! -- LINDA IN ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR LINDA: That's true. And she could use a paper towel. End of problem.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother's Insistent Demands Could Be Sign of Depression
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated Son in Nashville" wrote about his complaining mother making unreasonable demands of him and the family.
"Frustrated Son" and his family have made an honest effort to make his mother feel loved and cared for. However, he may not realize that she could still be depressed and grieving for her husband.
Depression in the elderly can exhibit itself in many ways. As an R.N., I have seen similar behavior in seniors who were experiencing depression, grief and other emotional/mental health problems. The mother in that letter may need an assessment by a physician or behavioral health clinic that specializes in geriatric psychiatry.
Treatment should include a general physical and diagnostic evaluation to determine any physical or mental cause for her behavior and emotions, in addition to medication and/or psychotherapy (counseling). A good program should have all three components available if necessary. -- A FRIEND IN TEXAS
DEAR FRIEND: You're right. Those are the correct steps to follow when someone exhibits a sudden change in personality or unusual behavior. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Frustrated Son in Nashville," as he travels the journey of caregiver to his aging mother. It is a journey shared by more and more of us as older family members live longer.
Having been a caregiver for three aging family members, I have not forgotten the demands -- or the frustration -- those years presented.
"Frustrated's" mother may be growing too dependent on him and other family members. He must try to take time for himself and his own family. Reducing his mother's dependence will not be easy, as it appears to be an established pattern. However, if her son does not change this pattern now, it will only get worse.
Instead of the family calling her twice a day, perhaps SHE should make the call to them at a specific time each day -- to let them know she's all right, or any other message. This seems minor, but it represents giving her back responsibility for her own affairs to the degree that she can manage them. She also has to learn that demanding, "Call me right back!" should be reserved for true emergencies.
If there is a caregiver support group in her son's city, he should consider attending it. Caregivers share common concerns and can gain insight from one another. -- ARIZONA CAREGIVER
DEAR CAREGIVER: According to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 60 percent of family caregivers say they have suffered depression. To paraphrase the Caregiver's Bill of Rights:
Caregivers have the right to take care of themselves and know it's not selfish to do so; to enlist the care of others in the caregiving, even over the objection of the sick family member; to maintain facets of their own lives that do not include the person being cared for; to have feelings of anger or sadness and express them occasionally; to refuse to be manipulated consciously or unconsciously; to be treated with consideration, affection, acceptance and be forgiven for shortcomings; to take pride in their own individuality and what they are accomplishing; and to be applauded for the courage it takes to meet the needs of the person being cared for.
The National Family Caregivers Association can be contacted by calling toll-free 1-800-896-3650 or on the Internet at www.nfcacares.org.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)