What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Attractive Personality Makes Plain Jane Someone Beautiful
DEAR ABBY: You have said that the secret to being beautiful is feeling beautiful. I learned that lesson on my first day of high school. As I was washing my hands in the rest room, a girl I didn't know started talking to me. I looked up and standing next to me was the plainest-looking girl I'd ever seen. Her face was round and flat. Her thin blond hair hung limply to her shoulders. Her figure was out of proportion and her posture was terrible. However, she was also bubbly, confident and kind.
I was surprised such an unattractive girl had the courage to be so outgoing and friendly. And yet, there she was, completely at ease with herself. I immediately decided I liked her.
I soon learned she was one of the most popular girls in school. Everyone liked her and thought she was beautiful. It seemed I was the only one not blinded by her personality.
As the school year progressed, we became good friends. One day as we talked, I caught myself thinking how much I liked the color of her hair. I tried hard to remember her as ugly -- but I couldn't. She was beautiful.
Since I met that girl, I no longer let my own feelings of inadequacy hold me back. I initiate conversations and refuse to indulge in cruel gossip. Because I want people to see me as pretty, I dwell on being beautiful on the inside and forget about my own limp hair and big nose. -- A FORMER PLAIN JANE
DEAR FORMER PLAIN JANE: There is an old saying, "Pretty is as pretty does." It's a wise woman who learns that lesson early. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I'm swamped with being a mom, a full-time student and a part-time nurse. My deadline for a case study presentation is four hours away, but I am putting my work on hold to address a more pressing issue.
Lesson: ALL women are beautiful. Not only is that statement grammatically correct but it is also psychosocially correct. It's an individual's right to define what is beautiful. Women should be judged on attributes other than physical appearance. Some of my friends who regard themselves as beautiful are spiritually and emotionally deficient. Others who regard themselves as overweight or unattractive exude positive energy and make those around them feel good.
I want my daughter to be judged for her tender heart and her unending efforts to save the Earth and save humanity. She clears trash from the beaches during summer vacations, directs my attention to every Salvation Army bucket at Christmas so the less fortunate can be cared for, and opens her bedroom windows on chilly mornings to hear birds sing. To me, that is true beauty.
Physical beauty dissipates with time. Lasting beauty comes from the heart and becomes eternal as it is passed down to future generations. -- READER ON A MISSION
DEAR READER ON A MISSION: Thank you for a terrific letter. You have said it very well.
DEAR ABBY: My first real kiss was with a girl back in 1988. Now, almost 14 years later, I am still in love with her. Every time I see her, I get butterflies in my stomach, weak knees, and the cat gets my tongue.
I don't know how to go about telling her how I feel. I'm afraid I'll be rejected or lose her friendship. Abby, what should I do? -- HOPELESSLY IN LOVE IN MISHAWAKA, IND.
DEAR IN LOVE: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take the risk and tell your friend how you feel. There's a 50 percent chance she feels the same.
DEAR ABBY: I am one of identical triplet girls. We're seniors in high school and experiencing some identity problems.
My sisters and I are good at many of the same things. We all play varsity field hockey, are on the cheerleading squad, take many of the same classes and share the same circle of friends.
My problem is I'm sick of being one of the "O'Sullivan triplets." I want to be just "Caitlin." Sometimes boys call our house and ask the sister who happens to answer the phone for a date, because going out with a triplet is a novelty.
Other boys who specifically want to go out with me become intimidated by my two sisters -- so they get cold feet about asking me. Only one boy ever wanted to date me because I'm me -- and he moved out of state.
Teachers keep asking which triplet I am. Coaches sometimes yell at me when their intention is to yell at one of my look-alike sisters. I'm so tired of people referring to us as a threesome.
My fear is that this won't end with high school graduation, because for financial reasons, we're all going to the same college.
Don't get me wrong, Abby, I love my sisters dearly -- but I'm ready to be my own person. How can I accomplish this without quitting the sports I love, giving up the friends I share with my sisters, or switching schools? Sign me ... JUST WANNA BE "ME" IN MARYLAND
DEAR JUST WANNA BE "ME": Discuss your feelings with your sisters. You may be surprised to learn they feel the same way you do. Next, look for ways to "individualize" yourself -- hair color, hair length, style of dress.
When you get to college, enroll in different classes at different times. You may discover you have separate interests. Make an effort to widen your circle of friends. Establishing yourself as an individual may take time, but a college campus is usually larger than a high school campus, so I'm betting your efforts will be successful. Good luck!
DEAR ABBY: My son is married to the most terrific woman in the world. The problem is he spends hours on the computer. The other day I visited a singles site and his name popped up. He had changed his last name, but he posted his picture on the site so I know it's him.
I'm extremely worried that he may be cheating on his wife, and it would kill her if it's true. Should I confront him? -- CONCERNED MOM IN COLORADO
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: By all means confront him. It won't be pleasant, but it might save his marriage. Give him a deadline to tell his wife what has been going on. If he has been fooling around, they both need to be examined for STDs. Her fertility, or even her life, could be at risk.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand another story about the uses of pantyhose:
Three years ago I watched a bird building a nest in an evergreen tree outside our family room window. After a couple of windy days, I noticed the nest had tipped and the eggs had fallen out when a supporting branch broke.
I grabbed a pair of control-top pantyhose, tied the legs around the trunk of the tree and fastened the panty part to two small branches, forming a hammock for the nest to rest in.
I am happy to report that four dove families have used our pantyhose nest each year. And I have doves in my pantyhose as I write this. -- SALLY IN CLOVIS, CALIF.
DEAR SALLY: It's better than bats in your belfry or mice in your rice (to quote an old jingle I haven't heard in years!).
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: My husband has broken my heart. We've been married a year, and he just informed me that he married me only to get back at his ex-girlfriend!
He says he wants me only as a friend and he's still in love with her. He has made it very clear that he's not interested in having a real marriage with me -- no sex, nothing -- other than living together as roommates.
My husband and I continue to sleep in the same bed, but he won't get close or touch me.
His ex is serving time in prison and will be there for at least two years, but he allows her to call our home collect whenever she feels like it. It started with her calling only every so often -- now it's every day.
I'm so hurt, Abby. He just doesn't care. I married my husband because I was in love with him -- and he did a very good job of pretending he loved me. It was all a lie, and now I feel trapped.
Someone said to me that as long as there's friendship, I have something to hold onto, since his ex will be gone for so long. Well, I don't think it's worth it. I am afraid he'll never get over her.
Please don't tell me to leave him -- I can't. I have nowhere to go and no money. I barely make ends meet. What am I going to do? Help! -- HEARTBROKEN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Realize that you have suffered a blow that would bring an ox to its knees, so it's not surprising that you feel helpless. However, you are NOT helpless -- you are a grown woman, and regardless of how devalued you feel, you have all of the skills and potential that you brought to your marriage.
You say you have nowhere to go and no money. Are you able to work? If so, start looking for a job immediately. Then you can begin depositing your earnings in a separate account, and it won't be long before you have enough saved for a security deposit on an apartment of your own. Next, talk to a lawyer. You are going to survive this disappointment and will come out stronger for it.
I disagree with your friend that as long as there's friendship you have something to hold on to. You can't force someone to love you. But if you stand up straight and refuse to be mistreated, you will regain your self-respect. Trust me on that. I wish you the best of luck. Please let me hear from you in six months. I'm rooting for you.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is planning to marry a wonderful man this October. There's only one problem -- and it's a doozy!
Her fiance insists on inviting his ex-girlfriend of five years to attend the wedding, as well as all the family festivities surrounding the big day. Even though the ex has recently married, our daughter is very uncomfortable with this and has said so to her future husband.
My husband and I are concerned that our daughter's wedding day may be ruined and want to intervene to make it clear that "Mrs. X" is not welcome. What do you think we should do, Abby? -- PARENTS OF THE BRIDE IN OHIO
DEAR PARENTS: I think you should stay out of it. If your daughter is mature enough for marriage, she should be mature enough to deliver the message to her fiance that she's uncomfortable having the Ghost of Romance Past at her nuptials. If they can't reach an understanding or a compromise, I see a huge red flag ahead.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)