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DEAR ABBY: My husband has broken my heart. We've been married a year, and he just informed me that he married me only to get back at his ex-girlfriend!
He says he wants me only as a friend and he's still in love with her. He has made it very clear that he's not interested in having a real marriage with me -- no sex, nothing -- other than living together as roommates.
My husband and I continue to sleep in the same bed, but he won't get close or touch me.
His ex is serving time in prison and will be there for at least two years, but he allows her to call our home collect whenever she feels like it. It started with her calling only every so often -- now it's every day.
I'm so hurt, Abby. He just doesn't care. I married my husband because I was in love with him -- and he did a very good job of pretending he loved me. It was all a lie, and now I feel trapped.
Someone said to me that as long as there's friendship, I have something to hold onto, since his ex will be gone for so long. Well, I don't think it's worth it. I am afraid he'll never get over her.
Please don't tell me to leave him -- I can't. I have nowhere to go and no money. I barely make ends meet. What am I going to do? Help! -- HEARTBROKEN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Realize that you have suffered a blow that would bring an ox to its knees, so it's not surprising that you feel helpless. However, you are NOT helpless -- you are a grown woman, and regardless of how devalued you feel, you have all of the skills and potential that you brought to your marriage.
You say you have nowhere to go and no money. Are you able to work? If so, start looking for a job immediately. Then you can begin depositing your earnings in a separate account, and it won't be long before you have enough saved for a security deposit on an apartment of your own. Next, talk to a lawyer. You are going to survive this disappointment and will come out stronger for it.
I disagree with your friend that as long as there's friendship you have something to hold on to. You can't force someone to love you. But if you stand up straight and refuse to be mistreated, you will regain your self-respect. Trust me on that. I wish you the best of luck. Please let me hear from you in six months. I'm rooting for you.
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is planning to marry a wonderful man this October. There's only one problem -- and it's a doozy!
Her fiance insists on inviting his ex-girlfriend of five years to attend the wedding, as well as all the family festivities surrounding the big day. Even though the ex has recently married, our daughter is very uncomfortable with this and has said so to her future husband.
My husband and I are concerned that our daughter's wedding day may be ruined and want to intervene to make it clear that "Mrs. X" is not welcome. What do you think we should do, Abby? -- PARENTS OF THE BRIDE IN OHIO
DEAR PARENTS: I think you should stay out of it. If your daughter is mature enough for marriage, she should be mature enough to deliver the message to her fiance that she's uncomfortable having the Ghost of Romance Past at her nuptials. If they can't reach an understanding or a compromise, I see a huge red flag ahead.
LITTLE GIRL'S RESCUERS WERE DOING MORE THAN THEIR JOB
DEAR ABBY: Every time your column addresses the danger of children left unattended around water, I am grateful.
Fifteen years ago, my boyfriend and I were strolling along the edge of a lake far from the public swimming area. He worked as a lifeguard at the lake, but was off-duty that afternoon. As we walked, he almost stepped on what appeared to be a bundle in the murky water. He reached down to examine it more closely and pulled out a little girl!
The chances of our finding her were nothing short of miraculous. Because my boyfriend was trained in CPR, he was able to revive her. We then took the terrified child to the picnic area, where her parents were lounging. Abby, they hadn't even realized she was missing! When we told them what happened, they responded that since lifeguarding was my boyfriend's profession, he was just "doing his job." Can you believe that! -- HORRIFIED IN FORT HOOD, TEXAS
DEAR HORRIFIED: Yes, I can believe it. Instead of recognizing their irresponsibility, the parents chose instead to dump the responsibility on your boyfriend.
I hope they realized later how lucky they were that you two guardian angels were in the right place at the right time.
DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend who is considerate to the extreme when it comes to remembering special occasions in the lives of her friends and family. She calls or sends cards to acknowledge every anniversary, birthday or special event. However, I think that at some point it should stop.
Both my parents have passed away during the last five years. They were wonderful people who lived full lives. I remember them privately on the anniversaries of their deaths.
My problem is that on these special dates, my friend always calls to say she is "thinking of me." This sends me into a tailspin of mourning, because her call is never timely. I may be thinking of other things and not dwelling on the past.
Abby, how do I tell her to remove me from her list of death remembrance calls without offending her? I realize she's only trying to be thoughtful. -- DO NOT DISTURB IN TEXAS
DEAR DO NOT DISTURB: Level with her. Thank her for her thoughtfulness. Remind her that everyone copes with death in his or her own way -- then tell her exactly what you have written to me. It's honest, and she shouldn't be offended.
DEAR ABBY: I am confused and have no one to talk to. There's this guy I like who asked me out, but I told him no. Now I'm having second thoughts because we aren't as different as I thought we were.
I don't want anything too serious right now, and he keeps saying things like, "I want to have sex with you." He tells me that we would be great together and goes on and on about how "hot" I am.
What should I do, Abby? -- BUNDLE OF CONFUSION IN PORTLAND
DEAR BUNDLE: Accept the fact that you and this young man ARE different. You want a relationship that isn't serious. He wants sex -- and sex is VERY serious.
Keep this guy at arm's length and don't let him talk you into anything.
P.S. The next time he tells you how "hot" you are, suggest he take a cold shower.
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MAN CAN'T LET GO OF WIFE WHO'S PULLED HERSELF AWAY
DEAR ABBY: I am a 52-year-old man married to "Sarah," the most wonderful woman I have ever met. She is intelligent, ethical, witty, pretty, healthy -- a great mother and grandmother. She means the world to me.
About 10 years ago, Sarah "rededicated herself to God" and lost all interest in sharing an emotional, romantic and physical connection with me. She immersed herself in her church, Bible studies, our children, cats and pottery-making.
She seems happy with this life. I am not. I want more than a brother/sister relationship with my wife. I want to travel, go dancing, hold her hand at the movies -- and to make love together.
Our marriage counselor says we may never meet each other's needs and should consider going our separate ways. However, I do not believe a man should leave his wife and family, and Sarah feels the same. Everyone would hate me if I left her -- the community, our children and Sarah herself.
I cannot imagine living 30 more years without the love I need in my life, yet I don't like the choices of divorce or loneliness. Abby, is there a third choice I'm not seeing? (An affair is out of the question.) -- HUSBAND AT A CROSSROADS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HUSBAND: You have my sympathy. However, you paid good money to a qualified marriage counselor who assessed your situation correctly. You say your wife is happy with her choice. Now you must decide how you want to spend your life. And no one has the right to criticize you for whatever choice you make.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter about teen-agers not wearing seatbelts, I would like to share how I finally started wearing one.
I had all the excuses in the world why I didn't need one. Twenty years ago, I was a rookie cop in San Diego. I was in and out of my squad car constantly. I was convinced I needed to be ready to jump out and run at a moment's notice. Like most cops, I felt I was invincible.
My boyfriend worried that I would be in an accident. One day he walked up to my squad car and said, "Just think of the seatbelt as my arms wrapped around you, holding you until you're safely back in my arms again." From that day on, I have always buckled up. I used the same strategy with my daughter -- and now my grandson. It works. -- LESLIE HUTCHISON, FALLS CHURCH, VA.
DEAR LESLIE: I'm not surprised. That's a dose of medicine anyone would be pleased to take -- me included.
DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, I have been stepmother to two boys, ages 10 and 12. I care about them and make sure they get the attention they deserve at home and in school.
My problem: I feel guilty because I do not love them. They are nice kids, Abby, but I don't have the deep love and affection for them that I have for my nieces and nephews. Have you any suggestions? -- FEELING LIKE A WICKED STEPMOM
DEAR STEPMOM: You bet I do -- and the first is to stop feeling guilty about it. Be patient with yourself. Love takes time to grow and it comes in many forms. You are acting in a loving and caring way, and your letter reflects your deep concern and sensitivity.
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