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Eavesdropping Con Man Nearly Brings Down Uncle's House
DEAR ABBY: Your advice was on target to "Grandmother of Five in North Texas," who warned the woman on her cell phone in the restaurant that important information overheard by the wrong person could endanger her daughters at home.
My wealthy uncle was dining out with friends one night when he mentioned an upcoming trip out of town. He also shared a funny anecdote about his housekeeper, and a story about how the cleaners had ruined his favorite suit. Little did he know the man in the next booth was a drug addict and was hearing every word he said.
The eavesdropper followed my uncle home to find out where he lived, then returned when he knew my uncle would be out of town. The man acquainted himself with the housekeeper by teasing her about the funny incident my uncle had mentioned -- and brought over a suit he claimed the cleaners had repaired. He told the housekeeper he had been invited by my uncle to stay a few days, and she fell for it!
He then took over the house, and when a neighbor grew suspicious and called the police, the intruder convinced them the house was his and that my uncle was delusional and had been hassling him.
My uncle finally had to go to court to prove the house was his. By that time, the addict had nearly destroyed the house and had wrecked my uncle's car. Believe me, Abby, the worst CAN happen. A house and car can be repaired, but precious children cannot. Sign me ... CAUTIOUS IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR CAUTIOUS: That's a chilling story. However, not all of my readers viewed that letter from the same perspective. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Grandmother of Five in North Texas" was surprised that the woman cell phone talker, her husband, and "Grandmother's" own husband were upset with her for speaking up. She asked, "Don't people care about one another anymore?" Something I have never seen in your column is a principle I learned many years ago and teach to my psychotherapy clients: "Help that isn't asked for never works."
Unsolicited advice -- no matter how well-meaning -- usually flies back in a person's face if he or she doesn't have agreement from the receiver that the help is wanted. An easy way to determine if it IS wanted is to say something like, "I have some feedback for you -- would you like to hear it?" If the other person says anything other than a clear "yes," consider it a "no" and do not offer it.
We all learn through experience. Some people derive more from experience in their learning process than others. The woman in the restaurant clearly did not want "Grandmother's" help. Since she is good at writing, perhaps a better thing for her to do next time would be to submit a letter to the editor of her local newspaper.
"Grandmother's" insight was helpful to me -- I learned something I never considered before. However, she needs to stop wasting good information on those who don't want it. -- ILENE L. DILLON, L.C.S.W., KENTFIELD, CALIF.
DEAR ILENE: You're absolutely right. And I particularly like your suggestion about writing a letter to the editor to warn others if the situation warrants it. For another "take," read on:
DEAR ABBY: The grandmother's tale reminded me of the story about a man driving from Toronto to Quebec who stopped at a rest stop.
When he entered the men's room, he saw that the first stall was taken, so he proceeded to the second and was no sooner seated than he heard someone in the next stall call out, "Hi, how 'ya doin'?"
The traveler, not used to conversing with strangers in rest rooms, replied hesitantly, "Not bad." The stranger then asked, "What have you been up to?" The traveler answered, "Well, like you, I'm driving east."
A moment later he heard the stranger in an irritated voice say, "Look, I'll call you right back -- some idiot in the next stall is answering all the questions I'm asking YOU!" -- ANOTHER TEXAN
ADOPTED DAUGHTER FINDS MOTHER WHO LOVES HER LIKE NO OTHER
DEAR ABBY: I was adopted at birth, 34 years ago. My adoptive parents always told me I was adopted. They also told me that I was lucky they took me because nobody else wanted me, and "that girl" who gave birth to me abandoned me at the hospital.
All my life they made sure I knew I was no catch, and my father told me as a child that if anyone else had adopted me, they would have given me back as soon as it turned daylight.
Then last year a miracle happened. My birth mother found me. We talked on the phone, and she came for a visit. Abby, she is the sweetest woman I have ever met. She was only 15 when she gave birth to me, and she placed me for adoption in the hope that I would have a better life than the one she could offer.
The closer my birth mother and I become, the larger the rift has become between me and my adoptive parents. They continue to say terrible things about her. I haven't introduced them because I'm afraid they would say or do something to either embarrass me or hurt my birth mother's feelings. They still refuse to call her by name.
It's getting to the point that I don't even want them around. My husband says if they bother me that much, I should tell them not to come over any more. I won't have a problem with that, as I have very few feelings left for them. I'm glad I finally found the mother I always wanted -- and the one who always wanted me. -- BIRTH MOTHER'S DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: You are no longer a child. At 34 years of age, your childhood is behind you. If your birth mother is the mother you always wanted, then cherish your newfound relationship.
Your adoptive parents may call you ungrateful, but please remember that THEY are the ones who should have been grateful to have YOU -- and they had no right to make the hurtful comments that haunt you to this day.
DEAR ABBY: Upon entering a relationship that has the possibility of becoming a lifetime involvement, when should a senior widower disclose to his potential future mate that, due to medical reasons, he'll be unable to fulfill any "bedroom responsibilities"?
Should discreet disclosure be offered before any close feelings develop, or should the subject wait -- however long -- until intimacy becomes the obvious natural progression?
Clearing the air early would give the lady an opportunity to amicably end the relationship. On the other hand, if I delay too long, a decision might never be required! Your thoughts, please. -- SPOKESMAN FOR MANY UNSURE GUYS IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR UNSURE: There is a difference between clearing the air early and making a premature announcement. Wait until you know the lady well enough to discuss the subject of sex without embarrassment to either of you. According to my mail, although many women are interested in a sexual relationship, not all are.
P.S. I don't know how long it has been since you discussed this subject with your doctor, but you should know that in recent years there have been many advances made in the area of male sexuality.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Life's Too Short to Waste on One Sided Friendships
DEAR ABBY: I write a monthly column called "Abilities," for people with disabilities, which appears in the San Diego Union-Tribune. In it I try to enlighten and empower others with and without disabilities.
You were right to advise "Confused in Kingston, N.Y." to level with her friend about the cruel comment his fiancee made about her club foot, which caused her to bow out of the wedding party. However, the truth is that life is too short to waste time trying to right every wrong. I don't ignore rude remarks like the one featured in that letter, but in most instances, I consider the source.
Abby, there are many battles to fight in life, but this type of battle is not one I choose to tackle. I believe that each of us has the right to choose whom we want to include in our lives. Cultivating WILLING friendships is far more gratifying than struggling to salvage those that weren't meant to be. -- MARILYN SALISBURY, SAN DIEGO
DEAR MARILYN: While I agree that one cannot force friendships, let's not forget that there was already a well-established friendship -- that of the groom and the woman who wrote to me.
When a couple plan their wedding, they usually discuss and agree upon who their attendants will be. If the bride-to-be had an objection, the person to whom she should have voiced it was the groom -- which would have saved a lot of hurt feelings. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a professional wedding coordinator, I must respond to "Confused."
Last year I worked on two weddings held only a month apart. I'll never forget them. The first could have been a layout in a fashion magazine. The bride and groom were gorgeous, their clothing perfect -- all five bridesmaids were petite and stunning, and the male attendants looked like models. However, the behavior of the wedding party at the rehearsal and ceremony showed that they valued appearance above all else. I later found out that the couple had hired people from their health club to serve as their attendants to assure the pictures would look good.
I couldn't help but compare the experience with the next wedding I coordinated. The bride sat down with me before the rehearsal and told me that her cousin, a bridesmaid, was in a wheelchair and very ill. The bride wanted to be sure everything would be handled with sensitivity. We discussed the procession, ceremony and reception in detail, with the bride's focus on her cousin's comfort. It turned out to be a glorious day. Their love and caring radiated to everyone in attendance. Sadly, one month later her cousin died.
Need I tell you which wedding was more beautiful? More meaningful? It had nothing to do with physical appearance.
The groom whose fiancee did not want his friend with the club foot to participate in their wedding should take a long, hard look at his bride-to-be. She is either too immature or too selfish to understand what their ceremony should really celebrate. -- JUDY IN TUCSON
DEAR JUDY: I agree. The most important ingredient in a wedding should, above all, be love.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)