Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ADOPTED DAUGHTER FINDS MOTHER WHO LOVES HER LIKE NO OTHER
DEAR ABBY: I was adopted at birth, 34 years ago. My adoptive parents always told me I was adopted. They also told me that I was lucky they took me because nobody else wanted me, and "that girl" who gave birth to me abandoned me at the hospital.
All my life they made sure I knew I was no catch, and my father told me as a child that if anyone else had adopted me, they would have given me back as soon as it turned daylight.
Then last year a miracle happened. My birth mother found me. We talked on the phone, and she came for a visit. Abby, she is the sweetest woman I have ever met. She was only 15 when she gave birth to me, and she placed me for adoption in the hope that I would have a better life than the one she could offer.
The closer my birth mother and I become, the larger the rift has become between me and my adoptive parents. They continue to say terrible things about her. I haven't introduced them because I'm afraid they would say or do something to either embarrass me or hurt my birth mother's feelings. They still refuse to call her by name.
It's getting to the point that I don't even want them around. My husband says if they bother me that much, I should tell them not to come over any more. I won't have a problem with that, as I have very few feelings left for them. I'm glad I finally found the mother I always wanted -- and the one who always wanted me. -- BIRTH MOTHER'S DAUGHTER
DEAR DAUGHTER: You are no longer a child. At 34 years of age, your childhood is behind you. If your birth mother is the mother you always wanted, then cherish your newfound relationship.
Your adoptive parents may call you ungrateful, but please remember that THEY are the ones who should have been grateful to have YOU -- and they had no right to make the hurtful comments that haunt you to this day.
DEAR ABBY: Upon entering a relationship that has the possibility of becoming a lifetime involvement, when should a senior widower disclose to his potential future mate that, due to medical reasons, he'll be unable to fulfill any "bedroom responsibilities"?
Should discreet disclosure be offered before any close feelings develop, or should the subject wait -- however long -- until intimacy becomes the obvious natural progression?
Clearing the air early would give the lady an opportunity to amicably end the relationship. On the other hand, if I delay too long, a decision might never be required! Your thoughts, please. -- SPOKESMAN FOR MANY UNSURE GUYS IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR UNSURE: There is a difference between clearing the air early and making a premature announcement. Wait until you know the lady well enough to discuss the subject of sex without embarrassment to either of you. According to my mail, although many women are interested in a sexual relationship, not all are.
P.S. I don't know how long it has been since you discussed this subject with your doctor, but you should know that in recent years there have been many advances made in the area of male sexuality.
Life's Too Short to Waste on One Sided Friendships
DEAR ABBY: I write a monthly column called "Abilities," for people with disabilities, which appears in the San Diego Union-Tribune. In it I try to enlighten and empower others with and without disabilities.
You were right to advise "Confused in Kingston, N.Y." to level with her friend about the cruel comment his fiancee made about her club foot, which caused her to bow out of the wedding party. However, the truth is that life is too short to waste time trying to right every wrong. I don't ignore rude remarks like the one featured in that letter, but in most instances, I consider the source.
Abby, there are many battles to fight in life, but this type of battle is not one I choose to tackle. I believe that each of us has the right to choose whom we want to include in our lives. Cultivating WILLING friendships is far more gratifying than struggling to salvage those that weren't meant to be. -- MARILYN SALISBURY, SAN DIEGO
DEAR MARILYN: While I agree that one cannot force friendships, let's not forget that there was already a well-established friendship -- that of the groom and the woman who wrote to me.
When a couple plan their wedding, they usually discuss and agree upon who their attendants will be. If the bride-to-be had an objection, the person to whom she should have voiced it was the groom -- which would have saved a lot of hurt feelings. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a professional wedding coordinator, I must respond to "Confused."
Last year I worked on two weddings held only a month apart. I'll never forget them. The first could have been a layout in a fashion magazine. The bride and groom were gorgeous, their clothing perfect -- all five bridesmaids were petite and stunning, and the male attendants looked like models. However, the behavior of the wedding party at the rehearsal and ceremony showed that they valued appearance above all else. I later found out that the couple had hired people from their health club to serve as their attendants to assure the pictures would look good.
I couldn't help but compare the experience with the next wedding I coordinated. The bride sat down with me before the rehearsal and told me that her cousin, a bridesmaid, was in a wheelchair and very ill. The bride wanted to be sure everything would be handled with sensitivity. We discussed the procession, ceremony and reception in detail, with the bride's focus on her cousin's comfort. It turned out to be a glorious day. Their love and caring radiated to everyone in attendance. Sadly, one month later her cousin died.
Need I tell you which wedding was more beautiful? More meaningful? It had nothing to do with physical appearance.
The groom whose fiancee did not want his friend with the club foot to participate in their wedding should take a long, hard look at his bride-to-be. She is either too immature or too selfish to understand what their ceremony should really celebrate. -- JUDY IN TUCSON
DEAR JUDY: I agree. The most important ingredient in a wedding should, above all, be love.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FATHER'S DAY CHECKUP IS GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING
DEAR ABBY: Father's Day is coming soon, and with it comes the challenge of selecting a special gift for Dad. I would like to offer a suggestion: Schedule him for a medical exam to determine his risk for heart attack and stroke -- truly a gift of love and hope.
I know from personal experience how important that exam can be. My grandfather died at 76 of his second stroke (after my mother had been his caretaker for nine years). And I am a dad who had heart bypass surgery 18 years ago, and an angioplasty this spring to widen narrowing arteries near my heart.
I have suffered and watched others suffer. I have lost and watched others lose. I have seen the fear, dread and uncertainty of those who live with someone who has heart disease or stroke.
But there's good news: Although diseases of the heart are the nation's No. 1 killer and stroke is No. 3, for men and women alike, THEY'RE NOT INEVITABLE. Lifestyle changes -- diet, exercise, etc. -- can eliminate some risks; medical treatment can control others.
So, for the sake of Dad's health, please schedule that appointment. It's a loving gift that the entire family will appreciate. -- LARRY SADWIN, CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD, AMERICAN HEART ASSOCIATION
DEAR LARRY: While your gift idea may not be traditional, thank you for a heartfelt suggestion. And what better gift can a husband and father give to his family than peace of mind?
DEAR ABBY: I am a single guy and would like to know at exactly what time adults lose their minds after having kids. Allow me to share two recent experiences involving irresponsible parents.
My sister called to ask if I could help her husband fix their car. The repairs were major and would take four to six hours. Imagine my surprise when my brother-in-law showed up with my 4-year-old niece. When I questioned the logic, he mumbled something about it being "his turn" to watch her. But, Abby, he brought nothing along for her to do -- no toys, no books -- nothing. You can imagine how many times we were interrupted by this poor bored-to-tears child. I called my sister after they left to ask her reason for sending the kid. She accused me of not loving my niece and hung up on me!
The next day, some friends showed up unannounced with their 3- and 5-year-old sons. I ran out to get snacks and returned to total chaos. The younger child had trashed my living room and was throwing things at my dog. The 5-year-old had gone into my bedroom and was playing with my new, expensive guitar, while Mom and Dad merrily drank beer in the kitchen, ignoring their children. When I raised my voice, they proceeded to berate me, saying they don't talk to their kids that way, and I should childproof my house! They left in an uproar.
Maybe I'm missing something, Abby, but I don't feel I did anything wrong. Neither party is speaking to me. Any advice? -- SINGLE FOREVER IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR SINGLE FOREVER: Only this. If you want a relationship with these friends and relatives, keep on hand a supply of age-appropriate books and toys "in case of emergency." Not only would it be the kind thing to do, but it would reduce further childish behavior on the part of the adults.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)