To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I had what I thought was a great marriage to "Grant" for nearly 15 years. Like many women, as I entered my 30s, I became bored and unhappy and, as our marriage suffered, I blamed it all on him. (I mean, wasn't he supposed to keep me happy?)
To make a long story short, I filed for divorce. Grant was shocked. I don't think he would have ever filed. It devastated our 10-year-old son and 8-year-old daughter.
It has been three years since our divorce became final, and after a series of boyfriends -- each more disappointing than the last -- I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Grant has had only two girlfriends since, and he is fairly infatuated with the woman he is seeing now.
Our children adore their dad, and I now realize how handsome, how nice, and what a great man Grant really is. I now believe he really is my soul mate.
Did I make the biggest mistake of my life? Can I, or should I even try to win him back? Help me, Abby! -- REGRETFUL IN MICHIGAN
DEAR REGRETFUL: The answer is yes to all three questions. Sometimes we don't appreciate what we have until we lose it.
Before you start campaigning to win him back, you would be wise to get some counseling to be sure you're serious about wanting him back and not acting out of frustration about your inability to connect with another man.
If it turns out that Grant really is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, pray that he is more forgiving than most would be after having been hurt the way he was. It will take a miracle for him to forgive you. But miracles have been known to happen. And you'll never know unless you try.
DEAR ABBY: My 90-year-old grandmother had been a devoted member of her church for more than 50 years. She has been homebound for the last two years. The first of each month, she continues to send 10 percent of her Social Security check to her church, hand-delivered by friends and family -- whoever is attending.
Is my grandmother's pastor required by a "higher power" to come to her house on a regular basis to visit and pray with her, so that she feels she's still a part of her church community?
During the past year, my grandmother's pastor has come by her home only once. Grandma's modest home is always spotless, and she is pleasant to be around -- she's just old and lonely.
Her world has always revolved around her church, and now is the time that she needs their support. To tell you the truth, I'm so disappointed by their lack of compassion, it will be hard to look at those church people if they show up at her funeral. -- VENTING IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR VENTING: There is no excuse for your grandmother to be ignored any longer. Whoever takes her money to the church next time should have a heart-to-heart chat with the pastor and tell him or her what you have written to me.
The responsibility to visit belongs not only to the pastor, but to the elders, deacons and the church members in general. Sometimes there is even a committee of volunteers to minister to the needy, elderly and infirm.
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother died recently, and while going through a box of old photographs I was reminded of some advice you've given to readers: Always write the names of the people (and the date the picture was taken) on the back of your photographs.
One of my grandmother's snapshots was of a lady and a dog. Neatly printed on the back was, "Me and my dog." -- SAM IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR SAM: It could have been worse. It could have said, "Me and my gal," signed with a paw print.
DEAR ABBY: I feel lucky to have a wonderful circle of friends. We've always been there for each other, in good times and bad.
However, one of these individuals (I'll call her Ruth) has a more affluent lifestyle than the rest of us. Ruth and her husband earn professional incomes that allow her to enjoy the finer things in life.
She is well aware of the fact that most of us are unable to live the way she does. The problem: When any of us purchases new clothing, furniture, etc., she invariably asks -- in front of everyone -- where it came from, who designed it, if it was on sale, etc.
Apparently this information is important to her because she's always talking about where she purchased her designer outfit and how much it cost.
Can you give me a clever comeback for the next time the interrogation begins? I'd like to put Ruth in her place without destroying our friendship. By the way, she's pretty good about dishing out criticism, but not at taking it. -- OFFENDED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OFFENDED: Since Ruth is part of your "wonderful circle of friends" who have "always been there for each other in good times and bad," give her the benefit of the doubt. She may just be trying to make conversation, or to compliment you on your taste, so there is no reason to put her down.
Take her aside and tell her privately that her questions make you uncomfortable, and why. If she continues to quiz you publicly, smile and say, "I've told you before, I'd rather not discuss it." And change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks before our son's first birthday, my mother-in-law asked what we were buying for him. I told her I hadn't decided yet, but I knew what I wanted to get him when he was older. Well, she bought him the toy I mentioned. Abby, it says right on the box: "CHOKING HAZARD -- not for children under 3."
When my husband gently pointed out that the gift was "too old" for our son, she snapped, "It's all plastic parts!" and changed the subject.
Since then, she has asked us how he likes it. We have put her off by saying we haven't had time to put it together. I feel that warnings are placed on toys for good reason. I refuse to put my child in danger. Should we lie and tell her he likes the toy and put it in storage for a few years? What will we do when she visits?
We don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want this to happen every holiday or birthday. Any ideas how we can keep this from happening again? -- CAUTIOUS MOMMY IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CAUTIOUS MOMMY: If you think a toy is dangerous, it's your parental obligation to keep it from your child. Rather than trying to tiptoe around this issue, tell her the truth and don't apologize. If this is an example of your mother-in-law's lack of judgment, do not leave her alone with your little boy. There is no telling what she might let him do.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride Must Hold Her Ground in Wedding Party Showdown
DEAR ABBY: Ten weeks before my wedding -- right after our wedding and bridal shower invitations were sent out -- my future father-in-law telephoned my fiance to tell him that his sister, "Courtney," no longer wanted to be in the wedding.
When I called Courtney to ask why she had changed her mind, she told me she doesn't care to ever have a relationship with me, that she doesn't want to be reminded that I'll be part of her family for the rest of her life, that she's wanted to slap me across the face quite a few times in the past five years, and that she thinks her brother could "do a lot better" than me.
My fiance told his family that Courtney would not be welcome at our wedding until she apologizes to me for the hateful things she said. His parents say that Courtney's pride is in the way, and it's not in her nature to apologize. They also informed my fiance they won't attend our wedding if Courtney isn't welcome.
Any advice? -- DISSED IN DELAWARE
DEAR DISSED: Only this: In light of her animosity toward you, Courtney does not belong at the wedding -- if only because her presence could be disruptive.
As for your fiance's parents, should they choose to skip their son's wedding in an attempt to blackmail you into having her there, it's their decision, and they'll have to live with it. This is only a sample of the way you'll be manipulated in the future if you cave in to their demand. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I (both 55) retired two years ago from the military. We bought a nice home in Las Vegas with a small pool and hot tub in the back yard. Since we have 9-foot privacy walls surrounding the yard, we enjoy using our spa every night in the buff.
One evening three weeks ago, Jack caught a glimpse of our next-door neighbor, "Maria," peeking over the privacy wall. She is a 49-year-old widow and must have been standing on a stepladder to get a good look. We tried not to let her know we saw her, but several nights thereafter, she did it again.
Maria is a good friend, and each Saturday morning she and I have coffee at a little coffee shop nearby. Last Saturday, Maria made a comment about how well-endowed Jack is, so I asked her how she knew. She replied, "Oh, I can just tell." Then I said, "I'll bet you've been peeking at us in the spa." Maria became enraged and stormed out of the coffee shop.
Abby, she hasn't spoken to me since. I told Jack what she said, and ever since he's been preening like a peacock. He thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but I miss her friendship. She will not answer my calls or come to the door. What can I do to regain her friendship? -- VEXED IN VEGAS
DEAR VEXED: I'm sure it won't be difficult. Send Jack over with a peace offering and a short note that begins, "To someone who has seen it all ... I miss you."
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with a woman who tells me she loves me only as a friend. The problem is, we have a successful business relationship and see each other several times a week. It's painful, Abby, and I don't think the situation will ever change.
Do I give up the friendship? -- RIPPED UP IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR RIPPED UP: It's a shame to end a successful business relationship. However, when the pain is more than the pleasure, it's time to move on. Love is at its best when it's mutual. When it's not, it's masochism.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)