For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I feel lucky to have a wonderful circle of friends. We've always been there for each other, in good times and bad.
However, one of these individuals (I'll call her Ruth) has a more affluent lifestyle than the rest of us. Ruth and her husband earn professional incomes that allow her to enjoy the finer things in life.
She is well aware of the fact that most of us are unable to live the way she does. The problem: When any of us purchases new clothing, furniture, etc., she invariably asks -- in front of everyone -- where it came from, who designed it, if it was on sale, etc.
Apparently this information is important to her because she's always talking about where she purchased her designer outfit and how much it cost.
Can you give me a clever comeback for the next time the interrogation begins? I'd like to put Ruth in her place without destroying our friendship. By the way, she's pretty good about dishing out criticism, but not at taking it. -- OFFENDED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR OFFENDED: Since Ruth is part of your "wonderful circle of friends" who have "always been there for each other in good times and bad," give her the benefit of the doubt. She may just be trying to make conversation, or to compliment you on your taste, so there is no reason to put her down.
Take her aside and tell her privately that her questions make you uncomfortable, and why. If she continues to quiz you publicly, smile and say, "I've told you before, I'd rather not discuss it." And change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: A few weeks before our son's first birthday, my mother-in-law asked what we were buying for him. I told her I hadn't decided yet, but I knew what I wanted to get him when he was older. Well, she bought him the toy I mentioned. Abby, it says right on the box: "CHOKING HAZARD -- not for children under 3."
When my husband gently pointed out that the gift was "too old" for our son, she snapped, "It's all plastic parts!" and changed the subject.
Since then, she has asked us how he likes it. We have put her off by saying we haven't had time to put it together. I feel that warnings are placed on toys for good reason. I refuse to put my child in danger. Should we lie and tell her he likes the toy and put it in storage for a few years? What will we do when she visits?
We don't want to hurt her feelings, but I don't want this to happen every holiday or birthday. Any ideas how we can keep this from happening again? -- CAUTIOUS MOMMY IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CAUTIOUS MOMMY: If you think a toy is dangerous, it's your parental obligation to keep it from your child. Rather than trying to tiptoe around this issue, tell her the truth and don't apologize. If this is an example of your mother-in-law's lack of judgment, do not leave her alone with your little boy. There is no telling what she might let him do.
Bride Must Hold Her Ground in Wedding Party Showdown
DEAR ABBY: Ten weeks before my wedding -- right after our wedding and bridal shower invitations were sent out -- my future father-in-law telephoned my fiance to tell him that his sister, "Courtney," no longer wanted to be in the wedding.
When I called Courtney to ask why she had changed her mind, she told me she doesn't care to ever have a relationship with me, that she doesn't want to be reminded that I'll be part of her family for the rest of her life, that she's wanted to slap me across the face quite a few times in the past five years, and that she thinks her brother could "do a lot better" than me.
My fiance told his family that Courtney would not be welcome at our wedding until she apologizes to me for the hateful things she said. His parents say that Courtney's pride is in the way, and it's not in her nature to apologize. They also informed my fiance they won't attend our wedding if Courtney isn't welcome.
Any advice? -- DISSED IN DELAWARE
DEAR DISSED: Only this: In light of her animosity toward you, Courtney does not belong at the wedding -- if only because her presence could be disruptive.
As for your fiance's parents, should they choose to skip their son's wedding in an attempt to blackmail you into having her there, it's their decision, and they'll have to live with it. This is only a sample of the way you'll be manipulated in the future if you cave in to their demand. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jack," and I (both 55) retired two years ago from the military. We bought a nice home in Las Vegas with a small pool and hot tub in the back yard. Since we have 9-foot privacy walls surrounding the yard, we enjoy using our spa every night in the buff.
One evening three weeks ago, Jack caught a glimpse of our next-door neighbor, "Maria," peeking over the privacy wall. She is a 49-year-old widow and must have been standing on a stepladder to get a good look. We tried not to let her know we saw her, but several nights thereafter, she did it again.
Maria is a good friend, and each Saturday morning she and I have coffee at a little coffee shop nearby. Last Saturday, Maria made a comment about how well-endowed Jack is, so I asked her how she knew. She replied, "Oh, I can just tell." Then I said, "I'll bet you've been peeking at us in the spa." Maria became enraged and stormed out of the coffee shop.
Abby, she hasn't spoken to me since. I told Jack what she said, and ever since he's been preening like a peacock. He thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but I miss her friendship. She will not answer my calls or come to the door. What can I do to regain her friendship? -- VEXED IN VEGAS
DEAR VEXED: I'm sure it won't be difficult. Send Jack over with a peace offering and a short note that begins, "To someone who has seen it all ... I miss you."
DEAR ABBY: I am deeply in love with a woman who tells me she loves me only as a friend. The problem is, we have a successful business relationship and see each other several times a week. It's painful, Abby, and I don't think the situation will ever change.
Do I give up the friendship? -- RIPPED UP IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIF.
DEAR RIPPED UP: It's a shame to end a successful business relationship. However, when the pain is more than the pleasure, it's time to move on. Love is at its best when it's mutual. When it's not, it's masochism.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Video Solution May Break Ex Wife's Stalking Habit
DEAR ABBY: I have an almost surefire cure for "Vulture's Prey," the woman and her husband who are being stalked by his ex-wife who jogs, bikes and skates around their house. The couple should make a big show of videotaping her. (They should include a newspaper shot in order to show the date the incident is occurring.)
The woman may be furious, but she will most likely stop. At the very least, the couple will have well-documented evidence to substantiate the necessity for a restraining order. -- BEEN THERE IN TEXAS
DEAR BEEN THERE: Clever suggestion. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter from "Vulture's Prey," who complained that she and her husband were robbed of their privacy by his ex-wife. I, too, am a second wife. My husband's ex showed up wherever we were. When we were first married, it drove me crazy.
Abby, your advice was right on. However, I would add that "Prey" should start meeting the ex-wife -- and jog WITH her! I'll bet that within days the ex will change the location of her afternoon run. When I started sitting and talking with my husband's first wife at ball games and school functions, she began arriving late and sitting as far away from me as possible. Sign me ... NICE TO WIFE NO. 1
DEAR NICE: You turned the tables on her -- that's interesting. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the ex-wife needs to get on with her life. However, my situation is different.
My ex-husband comes to our house every day and has become friends with my husband. They spend a great deal of time together.
My ex has custody of our son, but he brings him along when he comes over. Our marriage didn't work, but the friendship has lasted for more than 10 years. -- HAPPY WITH HUBBIES
DEAR HAPPY: Congratulations on the level of tolerance and maturity exhibited by all of you.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Vulture's Prey," I had a similar experience with my ex-mother-in-law. Rather than call and complain, I realized she would always be our son's grandmother whether I liked it or not, so I decided to make an effort to talk with her whenever I saw her. I made a point of thanking her for gifts to our son, telling her what a great time he had visiting with her, inviting her in to visit with him, etc.
Once she realized that her "spying" no longer fazed me, she stopped. We are now on good terms. I believe the warm relationship I have with my son's grandparents and with his dad's first wife are the reason our son is so well adjusted. -- SATISFIED WIFE AND STEPMOM IN BOUNTIFUL, UTAH
DEAR SATISFIED: That may be true. But a large part of it also has to do with you.
DEAR ABBY: At our ages (70 and 78) we average about three funerals a year. Our problem is what to say to the bereaved. I can usually come up with something to say to the spouse, but when it comes to other relatives, who may not know who we are, we're at a loss for words. Any suggestions, Abby? -- TWO SENIORS IN LAKE HAVASU CITY, ARIZ.
DEAR SENIORS: Take the initiative and introduce yourselves warmly, explain your relationship to the deceased -- "An old friend from ..." "Worked with him at ..." "We were golfing buddies ..." -- and say, "We are so sorry for your loss. He/she will be missed."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)