For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am dying of cancer. For the past few days, I have been pondering the wasted years I have spent with my wife. We never savored our time together.
Surely I am at fault, but from the early days of our marriage, my wife was always "too busy" to sit and talk or go for walks. There was always another load of clothes or dishes to wash, or an important phone call to make.
When we had children, she was too busy to go with us to the playground or church. Even though I would bathe the kids and clean up the bathroom, she'd follow behind me and clean it again because it wasn't "clean enough." She wouldn't let me change the baby's diapers because I "might not do it right." I couldn't even put the dishes in the dishwasher correctly -- only she could. So, as you can see, I wasn't much help around the house. As an attorney, I brought home more than enough money to hire a housekeeper, but no one was up to her standards.
She was usually asleep when I left for work. We were seldom ever awake in bed at the same time -- so we rarely made love. I don't even know what time she comes to bed. I often find her still awake when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
Abby, I love my beautiful wife and have never strayed, but I suspect she will be too busy to miss me much after I have gone. I am writing this because I hope other couples will use their time together more wisely. -- LEARNED TOO LATE IN FORT WORTH
DEAR LEARNED TOO LATE: I'm sure your wife thought that by being "Superwoman" she was meeting your needs. How sad that no one ever told her that there is far more to being a good wife than having "whiter whites" and spot-free dishes.
You and she seem to have lived parallel lives -- always on the same freeway, but never in the same lane. Although it is too late for you, thank you for wanting to warn other couples for whom it is not too late. Peace be with you.
DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend, "Joe," with all my heart; however, we have a communication problem. Sometimes I feel he is dodging me or doesn't want to talk to me. Joe thinks our conversations always lead to an argument, so he tries to avoid talking.
Joe recently moved six hours away, making it even harder to talk. I understand he may be excited about living in a new town, but I feel I deserve a little more respect than I'm getting. I'd like to talk to Joe about this, but every time I call him he ignores my questions and practically hangs up on me.
Abby, how can I improve our communication? -- ALONE BY THE TELEPHONE
DEAR ALONE: I hate to appear negative, but where do you get the idea that this man is your boyfriend? It's time to move on, because Joe already has -- physically and emotionally.
DEAR ABBY: After being married for 30 years, I told our oldest son (just home from the Navy) that I could still feel my heart lift when his dad walked into the room. My son said it was just infatuation.
It has been 61 years now, and I still feel the same. Do you think my son was right? -- MOTHER OF 10
DEAR MOTHER: No. Your son was mistaken. If after 61 years of marriage your heart still "lifts" when you see your husband, you have the special kind of love that everyone aspires to.
Confidante's Breaking News Didn't Break Parents' Hearts
DEAR ABBY: You have stated that when a child feels unable to talk to his or her parents about a serious problem, the young person should confide in a trusted adult. However, I am confused about something: When a teen-age girl goes to that adult, is the person supposed to keep her secret or intercede with her mother for her?
What if the girl chooses to talk to a friend of her mother's and the mother finds out? It could destroy the friendship between the two women because one of them withheld the truth. On the other hand, if the adult tells the girl's mother, she has betrayed the girl's confidence.
What should a responsible adult do? -- KEEPING SECRETS IN CHICAGO
DEAR KEEPING SECRETS: Either keep the confidence or offer to talk to the mother with the girl present. That way, no one's confidence is betrayed. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was in the same situation as "Sue in Pennsylvania," except I was the unmarried teen-age daughter who told my mother's best friend, "Kassie," I was pregnant. I was afraid to tell my parents. Kassie offered to tell them for me. I was with her when she did it. It wasn't easy -- but it would have been a lot harder without Kassie's emotional support.
My parents were hurt that I couldn't tell them on my own. But they couldn't have been more supportive during my pregnancy. My mother and Kassie were in the delivery room when I had my beautiful baby girl. I will be grateful to my parents and to Kassie for the rest of my life for being there when I needed them most. -- LOVED DAUGHTER IN VIRGINIA
DEAR LOVED DAUGHTER: Love is what enables us to bridge the gap of disappointment when others don't live up to the expectations we have of them.
DEAR ABBY: A while back you printed a letter from a woman who said her boyfriend had not shown up for their planned vacation together. She left messages on his answering machine, but he never returned the calls. You told her she should consider herself lucky to have found out he had a "seven-year itch" before they married.
I am a policeman, and I see it differently. She should have called the police department in the city where her boyfriend resides. The police would have driven by his residence and knocked on his door to make sure he had not had an accident that would keep him from answering his phone.
Police in every city will do "welfare checks" for anyone who is worried about a friend or loved one. It could make the difference between life and death. -- COP IN ALABAMA
DEAR COP IN ALABAMA: You're right. It could. I checked with the Los Angeles Police Department and was informed that this is part of their community service, too. Your solution is better than the one I offered.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sophie Tucker once said, "Success in show business depends on your ability to make and keep friends," to which I would like to add: "Success in ANY business depends on your ability to make and keep friends."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
CHRONIC HEALTH CONDITIONS MAKE SCUBA DIVING RISKY
DEAR ABBY: As the summer progresses, many people will try recreational scuba diving for fun. Please warn your readers how dangerous scuba diving can be.
Abby, three years ago, our 21-year-old son, Randall, decided to take a break from his studies and be a foreign missionary. He went on vacation with friends, and while scuba diving had an attack of asthma. Only after his death did we learn about the danger of diving when one has a serious medical condition.
According to a study titled "Medical Examination of Sports Scuba Divers," edited by Dr. Alfred Bove, no one should dive if he or she has chronic conditions such as asthma, diabetes, headaches, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, valvular heart disease, congenital heart disease, etc.
Also, divers should wear a buoyance compensation device. It costs about $150 and will take a diver to the surface and keep him or her buoyant until help arrives.
Our hope is that others will now be more cautious. If you publish this information, you will save many lives. -- SARAH MOODY, CHARLESTON, S.C.
DEAR SARAH: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your son. Scuba diving is a popular sport that requires training and certification, and I hope your warning will be heeded by amateurs who consider sampling its pleasures.
DEAR ABBY: Something happened that has changed me forever. One night I attended a concert at my church. Because I'm on the refreshment committee, I stayed afterward with a girlfriend to clean up.
Everyone else had left. We had just finished sweeping and gathering trash, when I turned around and found myself face-to-face with a homeless woman. I was so taken aback, I was speechless. She admitted being drunk and said she had nowhere to go for the night.
I am ashamed to admit it, but I had no idea what to tell her. I finally asked if there was someone I could call for her, but she said no. She didn't ask for food or money -- she just stood there. Here was a woman in great need -- standing in my church reaching out for help -- and I had no answer. I felt helpless.
After she walked out, I was overwhelmed with sadness that I had sent her out into the cold to sleep. Only then did I realize I could have called our local women's shelter or the local mission. I don't know that she would have gone, but I could've at least offered to make the call.
I sit here tonight knowing I failed her. It has tormented me ever since, and while I know I cannot change the past, I hope something good will come from this experience.
Abby, I am asking each of your readers to go to their phone books and jot down the numbers of local shelters and rescue missions, then slip the list into their wallets. They may never need to use it, but if the opportunity arises, they could make it possible for one less person to be on the streets. -- HOPING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE
DEAR HOPING: Please stop feeling guilty. You were startled by the woman's presence and could not collect your thoughts.
You've given my readers and me a helpful suggestion. By writing this letter you have perhaps helped thousands of other homeless people, and for that I thank you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)