What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Surrounded by Static After Cell Phone Safety Warning
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I were dining out and heard a cell phone ring. A woman seated in the booth next to us took a phone out of her purse and proceeded to carry on a 20-minute conversation. By the time she hung up, we knew her name, address, phone number, the ages of her three daughters and that the girls were home alone.
As the couple prepared to leave, I approached her and said we had overheard her conversation -- and to please think of her children's safety when talking on her cell phone in public. Her reply? "We keep a rottweiler in our yard."
Her husband threw a business card down on our table, said, "Here's our address. Let's just see you around our house!" and stormed out. My husband then chewed me out for not minding my own business.
I was polite, not demeaning in any way. I simply pointed out that in this day and age, it's better to be careful when you talk in the presence of strangers.
Abby, don't people care about one another anymore? Was I out of line? The couple's reaction -- and my husband's -- really got to me. Thanks for letting me vent. -- GRANDMOTHER OF FIVE IN NORTH TEXAS
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I believe people still care about one another. However, your good deed brought about some peculiar dynamics. Your comment embarrassed that naive woman because you made her realize that she had, indeed, put her children at risk. The husband saw his wife's embarrassment and jumped to her defense. Had that man been any more rude, your husband would have had to defend you -- and it could have caused a serious altercation. (That's why your husband chewed you out.)
Be comforted in the knowledge that I probably would have reacted exactly as you did. This would be a sad world, indeed, if nobody tried to help anybody.
DEAR ABBY: I am a health teacher in a middle school. Part of the curriculum calls for the students to learn about the dangers of substance abuse. I asked my 13-year-old students if their parents had talked with them about drugs. To my surprise, most of the students volunteered that their parents had not shared their views on drug abuse. They left that to the health teacher: Me!
I decided to tell my students this: "I will use short words and sentences that we all understand. Do not try drugs. Do not start them. If you think that no one cares about you, you are wrong. I care about you. I think about all of you every day and worry about your future. I will listen to you. I don't care what your hair looks like. I don't care if you have a pierced nose. I care about you as a person. Drugs will destroy your future. I, for one, want you to have a great one."
Abby, I wish parents understood that their children need to hear this message directly from them -- not from me. -- HEALTH TEACHER IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR HEALTH TEACHER: You're right. And if parents are at a loss for words, they should save your letter and read your heartfelt plea to their children. It's one of the most important messages they can convey, because silence implies indifference.
'Knight in Shining Armor' Is Tarnishing His Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I love my husband and don't want to lose him. He has always been my knight in shining armor, but I now know for a fact that he's cheating.
Last night he left for a week to be with a woman he paid to fly here. She does not know he's married. Actually, there is a lot she doesn't know.
I have always lived by the poem that says if you love something -- set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours, but if it doesn't, it never belonged to you in the first place.
Abby, this man has left and come back to me five times! Each time, he tells me he loves me, and I believe him. I should mention that he is from London, and I am a native Texan, still living in the town where I grew up. England is where SHE is from -- and where he always goes.
My husband accuses me of trying to take away his friends and control him. Believe me, I am not. All I ever wanted was a peaceful, happy life with the man I love.
What should I do? I feel like a fool, but I love my husband dearly. -- WIFE WITH AN ACHING HEART
DEAR WIFE: While the poem you have paraphrased has a lovely message, I seriously doubt that your troubled marriage was what the poet had in mind.
You say the woman doesn't know your husband is married. That means he's cheating on both of you. You and the English ladyfriend are overdue for a truth session.
Texas women are supposed to be tough. Ask yourself, "What would Ann Richards do?" Tell him to get back in the corral or you'll turn him into a gelding. Your wandering spouse may have been born in England, but that doesn't entitle him to bolt whenever he feels like it.
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Tired and Worried in the Midwest," a 21-year-old mother of a 19-month-old child. She was separated from an abusive husband and said she did not know how to handle her daughter's constant crying. You suggested she see a pediatrician for a referral to a child psychiatrist.
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, here's what I think: "Tired and Worried" appears to be a young, inexperienced mom who has lost control of her own life. Her 19-month-old may not need to see a child psychiatrist nearly as much as this young mother needs a parenting skills class. They are offered at local adult education programs or community colleges, as well as the YMCA and many churches.
"Tired and Worried" could also use some personal therapy to help untangle herself from her controlling family, as well as develop assertion skills that may prevent her from getting into another abusive relationship. She can find referrals for low-fee counseling in the phone book or from her local community mental health agencies.
When this young woman wrote, "I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown," it was a cry for help that's needed before she -- or her baby -- are injured. -- JAELLINE JAFFE, PH.D.
DEAR DR. JAFFE: Your solution may be better than the one I offered. However, before finding a therapist listed in the phone book, it's preferable to get a referral from a physician. They usually refer to someone they know whose expertise they trust.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE CAN'T RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF HUSBAND'S EMOTIONAL ABUSE
DEAR ABBY: Two different professional counselors have told me my husband is emotionally abusive. I just don't see it.
In 25 years of marriage, we've hardly ever fought. The reason? I always let him have his way to avoid conflict. He makes everything out to be "my fault," and I've always assumed that he's right.
Sometimes I'm afraid to have a confrontation with him, but it's not because he has ever hit me. He says he loves me and I believe him. Does this sound like emotional abuse to you, Abby? I would be grateful for your opinion. -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN SAN PEDRO, CALIF.
DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: What you describe is emotional abuse on your husband's part and lack of self-esteem on yours. Your coping method has been refusal to defend yourself -- or accepting undeserved blame.
I hate to put you on the spot, but I'm willing to bet you have done many things RIGHT during the marriage, for which you deserved to be praised. Ask yourself, "Why did my husband keep silent?"
DEAR ABBY: My purse was stolen yesterday. I lost my money, three credit cards and my checkbook. I immediately called the bank and credit card companies to report what happened. However, at 2 o'clock this morning, I woke up in a panic. I realized that whoever has my checkbook now knows my driver's license and Social Security numbers! My bank had recommended I use two-part checks because they no longer return canceled checks.
Abby, please warn your readers that after they have written their two-part check, to remove the top one from the checkbook before adding their driver's license and Social Security numbers. I now feel I am a target for identity fraud. -- FEELING VULNERABLE IN KNOXVILLE
DEAR FEELING VULNERABLE: I'm pleased to pass along your important warning. You're right; you are at risk. Hold a good thought, but in addition to notifying your bank and credit card companies, inform the credit bureaus about your loss -- and keep a close check on your monthly bank and credit card statements in case you are also a victim of identity theft. You have my sympathy.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Ready to Go It Alone in Mississippi," from the bride-to-be who had no brothers or male family members to walk her down the aisle.
When my wife and I were married, we had a situation in which her father would be present at our wedding, but we didn't want him to give her away.
Understanding that together we were stepping into our new married life, we decided that we would escort each other down the aisle.
Waiting for my bride to emerge near the back of the church, and seeing her more beautiful than any woman I had ever dreamed of, took my breath away. We enjoyed a few quiet moments together as I caught my breath, wiped away my tears, and told my precious love how beautiful she was. Then we walked arm in arm down the aisle, and we haven't looked back since! -- STILL ARM IN ARM IN MISSOURI
DEAR ARM IN ARM: May you always be as happy as you were that memorable day.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)