For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boss Who Pushes for More May Be Guilty of Harassment
DEAR ABBY: I have been working for the same company for more than three years. I have a good relationship with my boss, "Al." However, I think he has fallen in love with me. I don't know how to handle this delicate situation since he is married. Al says he and his wife no longer have anything in common -- including sex.
Al and I are good friends, but he has mentioned several times that he wants to take our relationship "further." He gets moody because my feelings toward him are not the same. I am not physically attracted to Al. I don't like to see him depressed, so I tell him things to make him feel good about himself. The problem is, I'm beginning to think I am leading him on. Al's been there for me through some tough personal times and has helped me financially as well. I feel as though I need to stop letting him do things for me since it makes me feel obligated.
Abby, how can I deal with this without losing Al's friendship? -- JENNIFER IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR JENNIFER: Remain cordial. Start repaying the money Al gave you. That way you will no longer feel obligated. Limit the amount of time you spend alone with him -- his problems are not your problems unless you foolishly choose to make them so. If he keeps pressing you for "more," it could be considered sexual harassment.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are 12 and in the sixth grade. We recently discovered that "Joe," a close friend of ours, has been shoplifting.
This situation has us worried because it might turn into a habit. My friend and I don't want Joe to lose his parents' trust or get into even bigger trouble. We want to tell his parents, but then Joe might get angry at us.
We want Joe to keep being our friend. Abby, please give us some advice. -- WORRIED PRETEENS IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WORRIED PRETEENS: You are wise to be concerned. Rather than reporting Joe to his parents, a more effective method might be to tell your parents -- and ask them to discuss it with Joe's parents.
If left unchecked, Joe is risking arrest and criminal charges. It's only a matter of time. And in the meantime, in order to avoid being implicated in his shoplifting, do not accompany Joe into any stores.
DEAR ABBY: There is a way that "Bursting With Joy in San Antonio" could include her out-of-town family and friends in her baby shower.
I have no family where I live and knew they would be unable to attend my baby shower, so I made special announcements to out-of-towners indicating we wanted to share our joy with them, but to please not send gifts (which can be expensive to mail).
Instead, my best friend, who was hosting the shower, suggested that they send a card or letter with their best baby tips written on them. This turned out to be a wonderful idea! I received tons of congratulations, along with numerous suggestions that helped me care for my newborn.
My baby is now 15 months old, and I still use many of the tips. Plus, I have a unique keepsake for my daughter, showing how many people loved her before she even arrived. -- BRENDA SPAGNOLA-WILSON, HOUSTON
DEAR BRENDA: What a terrific idea! Thank you for sharing it. Not only would it be helpful to someone planning a shower for an honoree whose friends and family are far away, but also for those who already "have everything."
CONFIDENTIAL TO OUR MILITARY VETERANS: Thank you for your many sacrifices that we may live in freedom. All of us who enjoy freedom salute you.
Happy Marriage Fails to Dispel Sister in Law's Hate for Wife
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for more than a year. (We've been together for seven years.) It's a second marriage for both of us, and together we're raising four beautiful children.
When I married this man, I knew full well his sister bitterly disapproved of me but hoped she would get over it with time. Now that we've been happily married for a year, she's worse than ever.
I don't know what I ever did to cause my sister-in-law to hate me. She was like a mother figure to my husband when he was young, as she is 25 years older. She disliked my husband's first wife, too, but wasn't nearly as cruel to her. In fact, now that they're divorced, she's friendly with her.
It's gotten back to me that my sister-in-law has told hurtful lies about me and my children to family members and the community. She has also insulted me to my face at family gatherings. Now I get anxious to the point of feeling ill before attending a family function.
My mother-in-law sees how much pain her daughter causes me and becomes upset, as do my husband and children. Everyone thinks she is jealous of me. That's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned.
I am a respected mother and wife and have given this woman no reason to hurt me. Please, Abby, could you advise me on the best way to handle her? I have carried this heartache for too long. -- SCORNED SISTER-IN-LAW IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR SCORNED: I'm mystified that you and your family continue to attend gatherings that make you physically ill. Whoever hosts these family get-togethers and allows this verbal abuse to happen is partly to blame by not letting her know her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If she refuses to cooperate, it would be a relief to all concerned if this sister-in-law were excluded from family gatherings until she agrees to be civil and act like a lady.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader asked if it was appropriate to renew her wedding vows after only five years of marriage. You encouraged her to go for it. I agree.
Here's my story: After only one year of marriage, my husband and I encountered some serious problems and were on the verge of going our separate ways. However, we both knew if we put forth the effort, we could turn things around -- so I came up with a plan:
The night of our first wedding anniversary my husband and I went out to dinner. Afterward I blindfolded him in the car and drove to one of those little instant wedding chapels, so we could renew our vows. I had made arrangements with the chapel the day before.
We arrived early and waited outside the chapel because another wedding was still taking place inside. A group of young people were standing nearby, and they couldn't help but giggle when they saw my blindfolded husband. They probably thought this poor fella was being tricked into marrying me!
When it was our turn, we entered the chapel and I removed the blindfold. When my husband realized what I had planned, his eyes filled with tears.
The minister was exceptional and encouraged us to make a fresh start. My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs (as couples do), but that night we vowed to hang on to that "special something" we always had. We truly are each other's best friend, Abby. We will celebrate our third anniversary next October. -- FULLY COMMITTED IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR FULLY COMMITTED: It appears you have both taken your blinders off and are recommitted to your vows to each other. Sometimes it's helpful to go back to square one when trying to resolve a problem. May your union be a long and happy one.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COUSIN WHO HELD WIFE'S HAND NOW HOLDS HER EX-HUSBAND'S
DEAR ABBY: For years I was married to a very abusive man. I have a female cousin who stood by me through it all and helped me to finally free myself from him.
Since childhood this cousin and I have confided in each other about everything in our lives.
Now I find out she's dating my ex-husband! Abby, I feel betrayed. I also feel I can no longer confide in her. What should I do? -- CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF, BEVERLY, MASS.
DEAR CONFUSED: Start praying for her. Because you've been in her shoes, you know firsthand what the future holds for her.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter and some friends tell me I "need a life." Their comments hurt and upset me, Abby, because I am living the life I want.
I have lived with my healthy 87-year-old father since my mom died a few years ago. I run the household as well as manage our cabin resort by the lake. I am truly happy most of the time.
Do you have any suggestions on what I can say to my daughter and friends when they go on about this? -- LIFE IS GREAT ON LAKE SUPERIOR
DEAR LIFE IS GREAT: Thank them for their concern, then tell them you're happy with your life just as it is. This is the life you have chosen, and you find it fulfilling. And, "Since it ain't broke, there's nothing to fix," tell them they should please stop finding fault with your life and get on with theirs.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question about second weddings. At age 20 I was married briefly. It was a big mistake. My boyfriend and I had lived together during college in our small Midwest town, and we gave in to the pressure to tie the knot rather than continue "shacking up."
My wedding quickly became "my mother's wedding." She completely took over and ran the show. I wanted fresh flowers -- I got silk. I wanted ivory china -- I got white. I wanted a small, private wedding -- I was stuck with 562 people I barely knew. She even selected my Dior wedding gown and veil, and considering Mom was footing the entire bill, I felt obligated to yield. I later threw the dress away -- I hated it that much.
On top of all that, I didn't want to get married in the first place, and told my mother as much. By then, however, the invitations were out and I felt stuck. Please keep in mind I was only 20, Abby. That was nine years ago; I would never be steamrolled like that today!
Now I am engaged to a wonderful man. This is his first marriage. We are planning (and paying for) a small but formal event, and I want this wedding to be mine. If I don't get to plan it my way, the opportunity will have passed me by.
Above all, I want the experience of shopping for and choosing my dream bridal dress. I'd like to wear an ivory gown with no train and a simple, long veil that would drag as a kind of train. Certain people have told me I should not do this. What do you think, Abby? Is it OK for a second-time bride to wear a formal bridal gown? -- TWICE A BRIDE
DEAR BRIDE: Those who are advising you to be more low-key are going by the book. If you do not choose to go by the book -- and since you're paying for the wedding -- write your own chapter and do what makes you happy. True friends won't criticize.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)